I'm so busy obsessing over my upcoming suicide, I barely have time to obsess over the fact no one makes wine Popsicles.
April 8, 2010 at 5:00 PM
“Summer, change of plans. I can’t make the gym tonight. I’m going to be busy killing myself.”
“Umm… that’s not OK! How about I just kill you at the gym?”
“I don’t think you understand the severity of my situation. I just did the math and had I gotten knocked up in high school I could have an 18-year-old right now.”
“Wow.”
“I’m the oldest, single, childless woman I know. I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE, so I think I’ll just go ahead and get it over with now. I’m going to leave you my womb. Please clear out the cobwebs and put the little fucker to good use.”
“Sarah, it’s time to shut the hell up. You’re not going to die alone.”
“Yes I am! I just heard it on NPR.”
“Well I guess if NPR said it, it must be true.”
“I KNOW, Liberal media never lies.”
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Here’s a little reality check for you…I did get knocked up at 18 and this week I got a middle of the night phone call from said kid telling me that she’d been hit by a cab. Yah, really, just a few stitches on her face…do you need that sh*t in your life? No, I didn’t think so…
If it makes you feel any better, my brother is a 38-year old grandfather.
Sorry, but I know that you really were only trying to think of a way out of going to the gym, a way that would completely deflect attention away from the fact that you were only trying to think of a way out of going to the gym. Suicide would be a good ploy, but, with the gym being involved and all, it’s too obvious.
And how about this for wanting to blow your brains out? Had I gotten pregnant at 18, my kid would be…oh… shit, where’s that Shiraz?
I’m aware about this previously, however there have been a few useful pieces that concluded the image for me personally, thanks!