Affirming That I am an Asshole
I downloaded an iPhone app that provides affirmations as needed. I thought this would be a great way to learn to be more appreciative of what I have, and hopefully learn how to be a little more positive.
That’s not what happened.
My sarcasm and pessimism kicked in. I argued with ever single affirmation, which, as you can imagine, has the exact opposite effect… not to mention I look like a crazy person fighting in public with my phone.
I'd rather the universe pour me a glass of wine.
Stupid phone obviously can't see my muffin top.
Highest vibration means vibrators right? Because every second would pretty much break my vagina.
The 7-11 is open. Me? Not so much.
I'd be a lot MORE beautiful if this damn zit would go away.
Let go of anger? Pfff. What would I blog about?
I'd be happier if my pug jammies were clean.
Energy? Oh hell no. I'm ready for bed right now.
Comments
I’m a pretty positive person, but those affirmations are annoying as fuck! And why are they all purple except one, which is green? Get wine, put on zit cream, wash your pug PJs and go to bed. Done. Happy now?
Sometimes I think my only daily affirmation is “you’re still here?”
If you were Jewish would you download a bacon app?
Try a daily affliction. That would be right up your alley.
You are SO not an a-hole!
I can text you smart assy things every single day if you want.
Like, “You may be carrying some extra Halloween weight, but check out that cow over —>” and “I am balanced (on my couch), open (from the waist down), and relaxed (from the booze)”.
Send money to begin.
HA – your comments are GREAT! We need an iPod app just for you! I bet there is a lot of money to be made on those. Get your whitty, sarcastic affirmation’s for only $5.99 each!