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Ben: “I know you’re mad at me for killing a deer.”

Sarah: “Of course I am! For multiple reasons… number one, you didn’t even feel bad about it.”

Ben: “I told you that it would’ve been dead within ten minutes. There were a ton of hunters around us. So it might as well be me that shot it.”

Sarah: “That doesn’t make it any better. And I’m also mad that you didn’t wear your mullet hunting. If you’re going to go hunting you might as well make it as white trash as possible.

Ben: “Fine. I understand why you’re pissed, but does it help that I went to a vegan restaurant for breakfast today?

Sarah: “No.”

Ben: “You can’t be mad anymore otherwise I ate fake meat for nothing, and then I’ll be the pissed off one.”

Sarah: “Are you going to Uncle Cabbage Patch’s party tomorrow?”

Ben: “Nope. I’m out of town for the weekend.”

Sarah: “Liar. You’re coming, I’ll pick you up.”

Ben: “Sarah, seriously, I’ll be in Delta.”

Sarah: “Doing what?”

Ben: “Walking around in a field carrying a gun that I’ll never shoot. It’s hunting.”

Sarah: “Oh, I sorta forgot that existed. Why exactly are you doing this?”

Ben: “I’m getting in touch with my masculine side.”

Sarah: “You could do that here you know. Just drink too much and bang some slut you’re never going to call again.”

Sarah: “What are you doing?”

Ben: “Watching Sports Center in celebration of Eminem’s birthday.”

Sarah: “Since when is white rapping considered a sport?”

Ben: “It’s not, but you asked what I was doing.”

Sarah: “How are we even related?”

Ben: “Well, our mother and father had sex five times and we were two of the results.”

Sarah: “Thanks for clearing that up. I’m going to hang up now.”

Ben: “I think that’s best.”

Ben: “I’m a card carrying member of the American Legion.”

Sarah: “Um… I don’t really know how to react to that.”

Ben: “I went again last night but they wanted me to have an old guy with me.”

Sarah: “You mean a vet?”

Ben: “Yeah, that. So I told them Dad had served in the military.”

Sarah: “But, Ben, Dad didn’t serve. You lied to the American Legion?!”

Ben: “Sorta. I felt okay about it because Dad would’ve served if he wasn’t diabetic.”

Sarah: “So you’re telling me you shouldn’t be punished just because Dad didn’t serve in the military?”

Ben: “Exactly!!”

Sarah: “You do realize Dad will be drafted now, right? The one time I used a family member as an excuse they died.”

Ben: “You killed Chad? No wonder I don’t get letters anymore.”

Sarah: “No, Ben, this isn’t a laughing matter. I killed Grandma. I used her as an excuse once and she died a month later. I’m the bitch who killed my own grandmother.”

Ben: “You’re not a bitch, you’re just insane. You didn’t kill Grandma and Dad isn’t going to be drafted. Stop drinking so much coffee.”

Ben: “I figured out what tattoo to get if I ever decide to get one.”

Sarah: “Hitler in Chinese?”

Ben: “NO! I’m not letting Hitler anywhere near me. I want a banjo tattoo.”

Sarah: “Ben, you do realize tattoos are permanent, right?”

Ben: “Duh. Anyway, I want the banjo to start on my stomach and wrap across my ribs and have it end on my back.”

Sarah: “No.”

Ben: “What about on my leg?”

Sarah: “No.”

Ben: “Fine, I’ll go with my second choice. On my back I want a poker table scene with Fidel Castro playing poker with Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash.”

Sarah: “Is Willie going to be playing a banjo?”

Ben: “Of course, but if I ever get rid of the mullet I’ll have to get it removed.”

Sarah: “I’m hanging up now and going to sleep. Don’t call me back. Ever.”

I showed my Mom and Jen this picture at dinner last night. Immediately afterwards my Mom knocked her drink over. I looked at her and suddenly knew this is where I’d inherited my klutziness. She ruined my theory by blaming the shock factor of the picture. “I just can’t imagine anyone touching my baby Ben like that!” I don’t buy it for a second. I think she was secretly thrilled a girl touched Ben’s ass, taking her one step closer to more grandchildren. God knows she gave up on my cobweb filled womb years ago.

Ben: “Did you hear I’m watching the twins’ tonight?”

Sarah: “Yeah, Holli told me. Otherwise I’d think you were making some sexual reference.”

Ben: “Can you believe they asked me? That’s trust, Sarah.”

Sarah: “No, Ben, that’s desperation. They asked me but I had a date and couldn’t. Her parents are going with them tonight so they couldn’t. Mom and Dad are too far to drive up, so they couldn’t. And Chad is in Japan with God so he couldn’t, and I don’t think her sister baby-sits.”

Ben: “So I’m sixth place. That’s awesome!! I’m excited, but Holli said if I had time to give them a bath. I have no idea how to wash kids, I can barely wash myself.”

Sarah: “Ben, they’re almost four–they are capable of washing themselves. Just throw them in the bath and stay in the same room.”

Ben: “I told Holli for the safety of all those involved, her kids will remain dirty. It’s just the smart thing to do.”

Sarah: “You could practice on Daisy.”

Ben: “I’m not washing your damn dog. Get Shogo to do it.”

When I gave Ben the thumbs up to get hair extensions thinking he’d never score a girlfriend this isn’t what I expected:Not only did my grand master plan to prevent bitchy sister-in-laws fail, now I’ll never go out in public with him again. I don’t know if he considers that a good or bad thing.

Ben: “I’m thinking of getting hair extensions for my mullet. What do you think?”

Sarah: “You have my full support–it’s a guarantee you won’t have a girlfriend anytime soon. Which means no sister-in-law! Go for it.”

Ben: “Sweet, I’m doing it!”

Sarah: “What is that funky smell?”

Ben: “I’m sure it’s me, but I don’t know where it would be coming from… I showered.”

S: “With soap?”

B: “This time, yeah.”

S: “Maybe it’s your breath.”

B: “Nah, I brushed my teeth. Do you have gum?”

S: “No, but there’s some clear vanilla mint lip-gloss.”

B: “I wonder if it’s because I didn’t use toothpaste.”

S: “Ben, seriously how hard is it to take the extra half of a second to put toothpaste on your brush?”

B: “I know, I know… but did I tell you I used soap in the shower?”