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Last night I did what all sisters do at some point: I looked through my brother’s wallet to make sure he had pictures of me.

Luckily he did, but I don’t hold the prominent place in his wallet. The only person allowed to rank above me in the wallet is my mother.

The picture wasn’t my mother.

It was Jesus.

JESUS! IN MY BROTHER’S WALLET!

I’ve always said Mormon Jesus is way hotter than any other Jesus. He’s tan, fit and incredibly healthy looking. It’s like he’s been playing tennis doubles, not dying on a cross. Jesus is dreamy, but he’s still not allowed to be more beloved than I am.

NO WAY.

He already has all the Catholics… does he really need my baby brother, too? Jesus isn’t perfect; he’s selfish.

He thinks just because he died for my brother’s sins means he gets top billing. It’s not like I wouldn’t die for my brother. Sure, there’d have to be a parade and a giant prize at the end, but I’d still do it. This selfless act deserves some recognition, right? RIGHT. I’m waiting until Chady-bear is asleep tonight and I’m stealing Jesus. That dude is going down. I’ll show him.

I was twelve when my baby brother, Chad, was born. I was a bratty pre-teen and horrified that my parents were even having sex let alone bringing home the result and expecting me to love him.

I already had three younger brothers. The last thing I needed was another one. I may have been more forgiving of their transgressions if they had brought home a baby girl.

But noooooooo, they brought home yet another stinky, pain in the ass brother.

I tried to remedy the situation by dressing him up like a girl as much as possible. I called him Chadina:

My parents found out what I was doing and that was the end of that. He still made a pretty cute boy though:

When I graduated from high school and moved away from home we were both brokenhearted. I was once again brokenhearted when he decided to serve a Mormon mission in Japan for two years.

It was a long two years without him, but he’s served his time and is headed home!

My parents flew to Japan last week to pick him up. Today they will bring home my baby brother, but today they will also bring home a man.

My baby brother, Chady-bear, is currently serving an LDS mission in Japan. When he decided to go on a mission my first thought was that he would try and force Mormonism onto me. My second thought was who the hell would wash and vacuum my car once he left?

My car is filthy, and luckily so is my soul. I haven’t received any preachy letters with scripture quotes and guilt trips. Instead he tells me stories about his experiences in Japan, which I find far more interesting than gospel stories.

He’s due home this summer. And just when I started getting excited to have my baby brother back he had to go and do the unthinkable. His last letter had a religious themed message to it, well not so much the letter as the enclosed picture.

In this case, a pictures really isn’t worth a thousand words–just one word, and a bossy one at that:

When he gets home I’m going to have to sit him down to discuss his poor choice of facial hair, just as soon as my car is clean.

Dear Chady-bear,

You haven’t written me a letter in ages. You’re fired!. And so is your church. What’s the story? No letter certainly feels like no love. Did your mission president ban me?

So things here are absolutely insane. I’ve decided missions are bad luck for our family. When Ben went Jeff lost his mind, now that you are gone Jeff lost his mind again. I’m blaming the mission, not Jeff. It really should be the other way around, but Matt is going through some really hard stuff right now, too. This supports my theory that missions are bad luck. In fact, I think you should come home immediately. This is the only way to prevent anything else horrible from happening to our family. I’m not going to write about Matt’s stuff because I’m sure Mom has, and it makes me cry every time I think about it. Sometimes life is so unfair you wonder why you bother. This is one of those times.

On a happier note, it’s getting warmer here. Summer is just around the corner. I wish you were around so we could go on a camping trip. Ben is always too busy, and by busy I mean lazy. Another bit of good news: Carmen is moving home.

Uncle Bry is having a family dinner tonight, I’m excited because I get to see Jenny’s kids and because Bry will feed me. Ben and I used to go over there for Sunday dinner a couple times a month but not so much lately. I think we’ve been fired.

I’m not writing you anything about me (too bad for you, because I have lots to say) until you get your lazy ass in gear and send your sister a letter. Shame on you, Chady! Now you’ll never get to hear about my snowboarding experience. Yup, I finally went. You’re dying to know if I liked it or hated it, aren’t you? Too bad.

Love,
Sissy

PS. I was kidding about you coming home. Stay put. I need as much Hello Kitty paraphernalia as I can get.

They send my brothers on missions. Chady-bear turns 20 tomorrow and I can’t see him because he’s in a foreign country serving God or something. And to make matters worse it’s against the rules to phone him.

Dear Chadybear,

Thanks for your guilt-ridden letter. Is Mom there with you? I thought writing a lot of letters was a good thing. Little did I know you actually want them in a timely manner. For the record I’m not trying to save stamp money, I’m just lazy about going to the post office. I’ll be better. Maybe.

The new job is great. One of the guys (read: kid) I work with reminds me of you. Because of that I give him as much shit as often as possible. I’m pretty sure he hates it just like you always did, which only encourages me. He’ll get used to it eventually.

I read the part of your letter to Ben where you said you were sad you didn’t spend more time with us because and that we shouldn’t grow up before you get home. Ummm, we agreed and you have nothing to worry about. I’m glad you’re finally accepting our weird humor. Was it the Jesus Band-Aids that paved the way?

I’m sorry you got stuck on the same mission with that Plumb kid from home. He seems like an uptight little prick so it makes sense the holy toast kit we sent you offended him. Tell him to get over it. I know he sucks but try and get along with him. Oh my god, that was way too tender sister for me. How about this advice: just don’t punch him.

So your prophet died. It’s only been a day and I’m already tired of hearing people say it’s sad. It’s really, really not. He was 97. It’s taken over the news completely, as you might imagine. Totally annoying!

Oh and Chady… when you ask for contraband items you need to specify, otherwise you’re going to get porn and fireworks.

Love,
Sissy

Dear Chady-Bear,

Insert one of the following holiday greetings, depending on when this arrives: Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Easter!!

If you don’t get this by Christmas I’m really sorry, I spaced it. I’m fully aware of the fact I’m a crummy sister, but I’m all you’ve got so at least there’s no competition factor. And as much as we both love Holli, we only got her a few years ago. I was there from the start, changing your disgusting diapers, speaking of which I’m still regretting the day Ben fed you his corn.

I can’t believe you aren’t going to be here for Christmas. I hate that. I get that you love God but seriously gone for Christmas? This sucks. I haven’t been home to see the tree; I’m really hoping Mom didn’t pull the crap she did when Ben was on his mission: decorating a Christmas tree outside rather than one nside. Now that was a weird Christmas! I’ve told you this before, but going home without you there isn’t the same… I miss you. How many more minutes until you’re home? I’m not as excited this year as I have been in past years, and I think you being so far away may have something to do with it. I like having my brothers, Holli, and the kids close.

Mom said you wanted beef jerky and hot chocolate–good to see you’re still a freak. Cathy said you can find beef jerky in the liquor stores there, but I guess that’s probably against the rules, so I put two bags in. Mom also mentioned you needed warm gloves, but I’m lousy with all things winter so I’ll leave that one to her. I’m still sporting the stretchy Hello Kitty gloves I’ve had for years. I figured you wanted real gloves, not kid ones. But your real present is a promise from me… I promise to be better about writing you. I know you’re homesick and letters help, I relish in the fact I’m still ahead of Ben in that area!

I love you my sweet, little, Jesus-loving Chady-Bear! Happy holidays!!

Love,
Sissy

PS. The Victoria Secret Catalog was NOT my idea. Ben added it in at the last second, however, I didn’t stop him. Also, we sorta just threw random holiday cards from family. My fridge is full, so…

Dear Chady-Bear,

I’m really slow at getting a letter off to you. I’m sorry, Bear! I’ve been really busy trying to beat my baby brother through college. It’s a weird competition, but a competition all the same. I. Must. Win. I can’t wait for this semester to be over—23 credit hours wasn’t exactly a good idea. I’m totally spent.

Thank you for your birthday letter! I know you love me… why else would you risk your mission by sending your sister wine? I’m pretty sure that’s against the rules. Maybe it’s better you weren’t able to find it—as much as I want you to come home, I’d feel really guilty if you were sent home because of my Hello Kitty obsession and need for wine.

I laughed so hard at the thought of you filling your suitcase full of beer. As funny as that would be, please don’t. Sapporo is not only sold here, but also sold in adult sizes. The picture of you holding the itsy bitsy can kept us all laughing!

Even though I’m busy, things are good. I don’t love that I saw Christmas stuff in stores before Halloween, but I do love that the holidays are getting closer! It’s going to be hard this year not having you around. I get bored visiting home if there’s not someone to bug. Ben and I bug each other on a constant basis so he’s out of the question. Matt’s always napping so he’s out. Maybe it’s time to groom Carter for the position. The point is, you’ll be missed. A lot. You’re the baby and I absolutely love you.

Speaking of loving you, you said something the day you left that is still haunting me. I can’t remember your exact words but something to the affect that I loved Ben more than I loved you. Whenever I think about those words I get a giant lump in my chest. Chady, I love all my brothers; I just have more in common with Ben. That doesn’t mean I love him more than you. You are the sweet little baby boy that used to sleep on my bedroom floor just to be close to me. You are the brother I took time out of my busy teenager schedule to drive you to daycare every day. You are the one who, at six, cried and cried when I left home asking if I was leaving because I didn’t love you anymore. Chady, I loved you then, and I love you now. Nothing is going to change that.

Now that we got that out of the way let’s talk Christmas. Mom is going to send you a package from all of us, but is there anything you want me to send? Contraband items of any kind? I’m more than happy to be your dealer. Let me know.

Have a good week Bear, and remember I LOVE YOU!

Love,
Sissy

Dear Sis,

I hope this letter makes it in time to tell you I couldn’t find Hello Kitty wine for your birthday. Sorry. I looked EVERYWHERE, and I don’t know if it actually exists. But I tried. However, I did find this sweet bike for you.I was going to get it and send it to you by boat, but I’d starve the rest of my mission. We don’t get a whole lot of money. Sorry. Maybe next time.

How old are you going to be this year? Was it 21 or 22? I can’t remember. By the way, I thought you’d like a picture of me with Sapporo beer. Ever tried it? Any good? I was about to buy it and sent you some but realized two things: I was transferring the next day and it might be bad to show up with beer in my luggage, and also you can probably buy it in Utah. Notice the symbol for beer in Japanese. It may be useful when you come pick me up! I love you and thank you for everything you do for me. Including the time when I was little and you tricked me into getting drunk. I really thought I was drunk even though it was apple cider. I’ve never have any alcohol since that day. I think I was four of six. You were a funny sister to have then and now.

Happy Birthday!!!

Love, Elder Bear

Dear Chady-Bear,

It’s just starting to hit me that you’re really gone. Don’t tell Mom, but going home is boring when you’re not around. I miss annoying you to the point you’re going to scream. This is not because I don’t love you, because I do. It’s just my job as a sister. I think you can find it in the bible somewhere: Thou Shalt Drive Your Brothers Insane. Some commandments I follow, some I don’t—I pick which ones to follow by matching them to my shoes.

I think I’m not the only one affected by your absence. Mom and Dad are going on a cruise for Thanksgiving. I love that they are taking more vacations, but the selfish Sarah is going to miss out on having a family dinner. I guess they figured with you gone, Jeff and Matt married there’s only Ben and I to worry about and we can easily be pawned off on extended family or friends.

Are you still sure about this mission thing? Maybe, just maybe you can change your mind and come home for Christmas. Are you allowed to do that? Wouldn’t that be great if you could get in trouble and get sent home for the holidays and then go back? I guess it doesn’t work that way for a reason.

I’m really glad you’re the baby and I won’t have anyone else I love leaving. If Matt and Holli move I’m going with them. I refuse to be more than an hour away from the kids. Yeah, they really are that fantastic. Hannah did the cutest thing the other day. She was helping Holli clean out her grandma’s house (they had to put her in a home) when she found the oldest pair of kid gloves and just had to put them in her purse to give to her new sister Sarah. Needless to say, I need to go visit soon and remind her I’m her auntie not her sister. Ben isn’t allowed to move either, because he still has to hang my shelves up (five months and counting). Since Jeff married whatsherface I don’t ever see him, so he’s allowed to move.

So how are things going there? Thanks for the tea—it was really good. (Still waiting on that Hello Kitty paraphernalia!!) I asked Cathy and her Japanese slaves what the Japanese word your companion called me meant. They think you made it up. Does this mean you are speaking in tongue?

Ben and I were in the car the other day and The Cure’s song Friday I’m in Love came on. Do you remember that being your favorite song when you were in kindergarten? You used to make me play it over and over. Every Friday morning when I was getting ready for school you’d run in my bedroom and tell me it was the day you loved me. It was pretty damn cute. I hope by now you love me every single day, because I do you.

I love you and miss you bear.

Love,
Sissy