Thanks!
This week’s column for In Utah This Week. PLEASE Don’t tell my mom I’m homesick. Otherwise she’ll make me come home and clean my room, which I’ve successfully avoided since 1994.
Read “That’s What She Said” online about my trip to the country for the demolition derby. I had grand plans to make a cool video with the footage I took, but then this week kicked my ass. So this is all I had time to do. Do me a favor and pretend you can hear AC/DC, the anthem of the country.
OK, so I wasn’t actually a derby princess, but I will be. That’s my new life goal. Forget college and the dreams of writing; I want to be a demolition derby princess.
I NEED that tiara and sash.
If only to cover up the unflattering shirt I decided to wear. I probably would have chosen my clothes a little more carefully had I known I was going to be riding around on top of a car. The crowd is just lucky I wore pants.
I should be easy to spot in this picture since I’m the only girl. I’d say look for the long hair, but the derby is mullet turf.
I had an incredible night and I’d tell you all about it, but I’m saving it for column fodder so I don’t have to leave the house again this weekend. DON’T JUDGE ME! Well you can if you want, but after judging send wine.
It seems there are some crazy rumors flying around the internet about little old me. It’s disconcerting to say the least.
What rumors you must be wondering? No, it’s not about the time I danced atop a table in a bar. The details of that night die with me.
This is worse.
MUCH WORSE.
It seems my dear friend Kelli has broken our secret pact. So much for “what happens in the country, stays in the country.” Instead of keeping her big mouth shut, she ratted me out to the entire internet. An accident is an accident. I would never purposely hurt a dear friend like Kelli. Unless, of course, she refuses to back to Utah WHERE SHE BELONGS!
And as soon as I’m completely recovered from this nasty bout of the flu I am going to kick that girl’s ass—giving us both a much-needed workout. GIRL FIGHT!
It’s on girly.
My love of books dates back to childhood where I spent a good chunk of my childhood either at the city library, or the county bookmobile. Man I miss the smell of that old bus full of books. Bookmobile night was the highlight of my week.
Each time I visit the country I find myself driving to the library. Old habits die hard I suppose. On this last trip I noticed something new:
A ‘NO CAMPING’ sign at the city library! Every sign is posted for a reason, so I can’t help but wonder who was camping out at the library. I’m hoping it was some semi-nerdy little blond girl who wanted first dibs on new books. Because THAT, that would be fucking adorable.
I’m relaxed and ready to take on the week after a country girl weekend with Kelli. More than ever I’m convinced she needs to move back to Utah if only for the sake of keeping me happy and productive. I need to prove to her that Utah has just as much to offer her as California, if not more. I mean, really, where in San Diego is she going to find a hotel that offers this?
I’m headed to the country this weekend to spend Easter with my parents!
My friend Kelli is visiting her parents so I’m excited to see her and the Easter Bunny both. I hope she has the good sense to also give me presents. She’s competitive enough I can totally picture her trying to beat the Easter Bunny.
Speaking of which, I sent the below email to my Mother in an attempt to trick her into doing my grocery shopping. I have a sneaking suspicion she’ll see right through my facade. I also suspect she’ll do it anyway, because she’s just that amazing.
Dear Mom,
I’m coming home for Easter this year. I probably won’t go to church with you on Sunday, but I’d still like to celebrate. So if you’ll kindly place the following items in a pink Easter basket:
A bottle of vitamins
A bottle of melatonin
Mascara
Toilet paper
Diet tonic water
Green grapes
Cheddar cheese
Zit cream
Cauliflower
Yogurt
Baked tofu
Wheat Thins
Peach Fresca
These items won’t seem very Easter-ish to you, so if you want to throw in Easter candy I wouldn’t be opposed. I love you, and can’t wait to see you!!
Love,
Sarah
Let me preface this by saying I absolutely love my mother. She’s the single most amazing person I know. She’s kind to strangers. STRANGERS! I’m rarely kind to people I know, let alone someone I’ve never met. As much as I love her, sometimes when I go home to visit I feel like a teenager again. Which would be fine if I had the ass and thighs to go along with teenage-Sarah. Currently I don’t, hence the problem. Here are just a few things she said over the weekend to prove my point:
“Why don’t you clean your room while you’re here.”
“What time will you be home?”
“Here’s money to pay for your dinner and the demolition derby.”
“Put your seat belt on.”
“Are you wearing a helmet when you’re on Carl’s bike?”
“Do you want me to french braid your hair?”
“Do you want money for gas?”
“The dress is short, just wear jeans under it.”
Daisy is very busy in the country reminding my mother that while the twins are very cute, she is the first grandchild. Pugs are never to be forgotten. They remind you they exist by emitting toxic gases from their asses.