Thanks!
nothing screams i grew up in the country like a breakfast at the cracker barrel with your brothers. NOTHING!
i was being very sneaky and eating bacon when chady-bear caught it on film. they often tease me i’m not related since i’m not a carnivore like they are, and not just a restaurant carnivore, but one who shoots animals and hangs the horns on their bedroom walls.
i found this magnet on ben’s fridge and immediately pocketed it. it’s now proudly displayed on my fridge next to my favorite pin-up girl magnet.
if my mom read “i will date only young men who live church standards” on his fridge i’m positive a family intervention would follow, and frankly that’s just too much family time for me.
i have no idea what thank god you’re here is, but i’m going to assume they were just really happy to have me over–makes perfect sense in my mind.
any guesses who this belongs to? i’ll give you a hint–someone in my family, and that someone is probably not me.
when my mom asked me to come home for easter i agreed with two conditions: 1. an easter basket full of candy 2. someone has to reenact the death of christ. neither of which happened. i went home late missing church and did not spending the night. “easter baskets are only for the children who love her enough to spend the night.” whatever. as for the reenactment i don’t think anyone felt comfortable explaining to my grandmother why we were taking part in something so blasphemous–on a sunday no less!
instead the boys celebrated like any other holiday… by fighting. i will never understand why the nielson males need to bond by rolling around on the floor. at least stand up and punch each other in the face. it’s more socially acceptable that way.
“winners never quit, quitters never win.” pshhh…puh-lease. i think quitting can be rewarding… like the time, at age six, i quit ballet because the girl next to me peed herself three classes in a row. last week i quit my brothers wedding because i hated the bridesmaid dress, among other things–also, rewarding.
speaking of family, i’ll be heading to the country tomorrow to spend easter with mine. in our family we honor the death of christ with chocolate in many forms, as well as boiled eggs and the sand dunes. which really makes no sense to me whatsoever, but who am i to argue tradition.
as banjo ben and i were leaving the pub tonight, he stopped whatever he was yammering on about mid-sentence. i looked over and his mouth was agape as he was stared at a wedding dress in a shop window. he’s considering going drag queen, or on the prowl for a wife. either way, apparently it’s all my fault. i wish he’d just own up to his inner woman already.
my kitchen light has been burned out for over three weeks. any other light i would have replaced the bulb myself. this light, however, is a death trap waiting to happen. the fixture is old making it nearly impossible to extract the bulb. i tried but stopped when i realized if i was electrocuted there’d be no one to save me. daisy is less lassie and more kujo–she’d chew my legs off before attempting to make any sort of rescue.
banjo-ben and chady-bear stopped by last night to drop off the case of wine i asked them to bring from their weekend jaunt to california. the minute they walked in the door i handed ben a box of light bulbs, being the seasoned slave he passed them off quickly to chad and claimed he just had to show me the cool pictures he bought in berkley. we both bolted leaving chad on his own to fix the light, because we’re caring siblings like that.
a few minutes later chady walked outside looking a little dazed–apparently i forgot to turn the light switch off. it’s best chady took care of the job, he’s leaving on a mission and his god is not about to let him die before he squeezes two years out of him.
wouldn’t it be nice if you could handpick your family? though, i can’t imagine giving up any of my family, so maybe if i could pick who they marry. that’s it–i should be in charge of the family matchmaking, though i have no obvious skills since i’m single. BUT, i could pick out killer matches for my brothers.
1. gwen stefani because she’s gwen stefani.
2. angelina jolie because i’m guaranteed to get a boatload of nieces and nephews out of the deal.
3. aishwarya rai because not only is she beautiful but perhaps i could wear a pink sari to the wedding.
4. norah jones because then my mom couldn’t be upset no one else in the family enjoys singing.
5. sarah silverman because i wouldn’t be the crudest female at the dinner table.
6. debbie harrie because i’d suddenly be the younger blond.
7. jessica simpson because she would be fun to laugh at.
8. natalie portman because she may agree to shave her head when whichever brother she marries goes bald–sympathy hair loss goes a long way in the nielson family.
9. anna kournikova because she’s hot, and she’d play tennis with chady-bear so the rest of us didn’t have to.
10. rachel ray because then maybe once we’d have something besides dry mormon roast for sunday dinner.
My brother Jeff and his girlfriend announced their engagement over the weekend. I have a lot of brothers so to avoid confusion:
Matt: 30, married to Holli and father of Carter and Hannah.
Jeff: 26, soon-to-be married to Chrissy and while he got the looks in the family, his hair line is receding.
Ben: 23, married to his banjo and has gross facial hair.
Chady-bear: 19, baby of the family with a Japanese future.
Me: 31 going on 21, princess of the family (obviously!).
All caught up? Good. Moving on, Chrissy asked me via text message to be her bridesmaid. The truth is I’d do practically anything for a pretty dress and shoes!
But it got me thinking, is text messaging really an acceptable form of communication? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of text messaging since I hate talking on the phone. However, for certain items of conversation I think a phone call is better. Is it me? Am I turning into an old woman, and if so do I have to get cats?
Congratulations guys! I’m going to be a step-aunt to a hula dancer! And you can’t beat that.