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Ben: “I figured out what tattoo to get if I ever decide to get one.”

Sarah: “Hitler in Chinese?”

Ben: “NO! I’m not letting Hitler anywhere near me. I want a banjo tattoo.”

Sarah: “Ben, you do realize tattoos are permanent, right?”

Ben: “Duh. Anyway, I want the banjo to start on my stomach and wrap across my ribs and have it end on my back.”

Sarah: “No.”

Ben: “What about on my leg?”

Sarah: “No.”

Ben: “Fine, I’ll go with my second choice. On my back I want a poker table scene with Fidel Castro playing poker with Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash.”

Sarah: “Is Willie going to be playing a banjo?”

Ben: “Of course, but if I ever get rid of the mullet I’ll have to get it removed.”

Sarah: “I’m hanging up now and going to sleep. Don’t call me back. Ever.”

I showed my Mom and Jen this picture at dinner last night. Immediately afterwards my Mom knocked her drink over. I looked at her and suddenly knew this is where I’d inherited my klutziness. She ruined my theory by blaming the shock factor of the picture. “I just can’t imagine anyone touching my baby Ben like that!” I don’t buy it for a second. I think she was secretly thrilled a girl touched Ben’s ass, taking her one step closer to more grandchildren. God knows she gave up on my cobweb filled womb years ago.

Ben: “Did you hear I’m watching the twins’ tonight?”

Sarah: “Yeah, Holli told me. Otherwise I’d think you were making some sexual reference.”

Ben: “Can you believe they asked me? That’s trust, Sarah.”

Sarah: “No, Ben, that’s desperation. They asked me but I had a date and couldn’t. Her parents are going with them tonight so they couldn’t. Mom and Dad are too far to drive up, so they couldn’t. And Chad is in Japan with God so he couldn’t, and I don’t think her sister baby-sits.”

Ben: “So I’m sixth place. That’s awesome!! I’m excited, but Holli said if I had time to give them a bath. I have no idea how to wash kids, I can barely wash myself.”

Sarah: “Ben, they’re almost four–they are capable of washing themselves. Just throw them in the bath and stay in the same room.”

Ben: “I told Holli for the safety of all those involved, her kids will remain dirty. It’s just the smart thing to do.”

Sarah: “You could practice on Daisy.”

Ben: “I’m not washing your damn dog. Get Shogo to do it.”

Dear Mom,

Happy Birthday! This year for your birthday I’ve given you the gift of eternal youth. “How,” you ask? I’m not posting your real age for the entire world to read. That’s how much I love you!

I’m extremely lucky to be your daughter. You’re everything I’m not: sweet, kind and caring. I have these traits somewhere inside of me, I just choose to share them with people I care about, not everyone like you do. I’ve always admired that about you—your ability to care about anyone and everyone you meet.

You’ve been such an amazing influence on my life. You’ve always been tremendously supportive of my creativity and I will eternally be grateful for that. I know at times it wasn’t easy. Like the time I painted the cat because I wanted to be an artist, or the time I faked sick for an entire week at age eight so I could stay home and write the next bestseller, or the time I told my primary class I wanted to be a prostitute when I grew up because I wanted to play with boys all day and get presents. You have the patience of an angel, and I’ll always love you for that.

I hate change and I think I’m finally at a point in my life I don’t freak out and need you every time said change happens. That makes me happy and sad at the same time. I loved being able to call you night or day and knowing that just hearing your voice will make everything okay… and it always was. You’ve been a magnificent mother and I can’t imagine a life without you. You’ve always been there for me and that is the best feeling in the world.

I know I didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped. I gave up long ago the belief system you hold dear, but Mom, you’re what I hold dear and I’ll never ever give that up. You’ll always be my Mommy.

I love you!

Love,
Your Princess

When I gave Ben the thumbs up to get hair extensions thinking he’d never score a girlfriend this isn’t what I expected:Not only did my grand master plan to prevent bitchy sister-in-laws fail, now I’ll never go out in public with him again. I don’t know if he considers that a good or bad thing.

Ben: “I’m thinking of getting hair extensions for my mullet. What do you think?”

Sarah: “You have my full support–it’s a guarantee you won’t have a girlfriend anytime soon. Which means no sister-in-law! Go for it.”

Ben: “Sweet, I’m doing it!”

Dear Aunt Patch,

Thank you for having Ben and I over for dinner tonight. For some reason Sunday’s are always my lonely day. I long for after church dinner (sans church, of course) with my Mom and even my grumpy Dad. You have no idea how much it meant to me to that that sense of family for a few hours. Your “Nielson skills” amaze me. Tonight you had more Nielson’s at your dinner table than most people are comfortable with. We’re a hard lot to handle, or so I’ve been told. This may be true, but we make up for it in laughs and great buns.

You have an excellent sense of humor–in my family that is a must. I can’t wait to spend more time with you. I’d even give you 46 minutes at Ikea, that’s how happy I am to have a new Aunt in town.

Thank you for joining our family and showing my Uncle the love he deserves. He’s a special man and has always been my favorite. Also, thanks for providing me with a young cousin again. It’s nice to have youth around. (Real youth, not the youth I provide.)

I’m thrilled Uncle Cabbage Patch married you and not his nose.

Love,

Sarah

Dear Chady-Bear,

Thanks for the photocopied letter (insert loads and loads of sarcasm). What is going on over there? You don’t have enough time to write your family individual letters? How do I even know this letter is from you and not some automated computer system? Huh?? For all I know you could’ve been sold into slavery. Hey, it happens! I saw it on Absolutely Fabulous years ago. Except there were no missionaries, but still…

And what’s this nonsense about porn? I nearly peed when I read that part of your letter. I’ve never heard you mention porn and then you leave on a mission and suddenly bowchicabowow, you’re porn talking? Awesome, bear, awesome! And the same guy wanted to show you his member, before becoming a member? Please refrain from EVER eating at that restaurant again. Do you understand me? It’s not that I wouldn’t love to have a gay brother, but I always figured it would be Ben, not you.

I digress.

Thanks for the pictures! I loved seeing your bright, shiny face. No wonder Jesus wants you for a Sunbeam! Send more, okay? And the cute puffy sticky letters, umm, brilliant. Of course now I’m going to think you should always include a little surprise. Do it!

Things here are good. School started, and with 23 credit hours I’m more than busy. I feel like I’m going to drown in books, but there could be worse things in life. And no, this isn’t a race. How sad…the oldest child and youngest child racing through college. It wouldn’t be so odd if there weren’t 14 years between us. If you hadn’t gone on vacation for two years you’d have won. Thanks for the head start. I love you for that.

Labor Day wasn’t the same without you. I drove down with Uncle Cabbage Patch and his new family. The kiddo and aunt are great, I’m glad they live close enough that I’ll get a chance to know them better. I didn’t stay for the rodeo, which is good. Would have been boring without you to tease. The twins are getting so big. I can’t believe you’re missing out on two years. They still call Ben Uncle Mean, which is fantastic! They make family time tolerable. If I’d known this I would have got knocked up years ago.

I love you more than chocolate. How many minutes until you’re home? Too many. Christmas is going to suck without you. Speaking of which, how’s that search for Hello Kitty wine going? My Hello Kitty wine glasses are washed and waiting.

Miss you bear!

Love,
Sissy

Marky and I have a bit. Which shouldn’t be surprising, since I seem to have some sort of bit with nearly everyone I know. Everyone fun, anyway. This particular bit I can’t take credit for. His best friend is responsible for this one. But it’s funny so I adopted it. Whenever we mention what we’re doing, the other always adds the word naked. For example:

Marky: “I can’t go. I’m going to help my friend set up his new TV.”
Sarah: “Naked?”

Simple, but oh so funny, or at least we think so. The “naked” habit is hard to break, and sometimes I say it without thinking twice. Yesterday I had lunch at the park with some of my family.

Sarah: ” Grandma, where did everyone go?”
Grandma: “They went to get something to drink.”
Sarah: “Naked?”
Grandma: “No, not that I noticed. Were you thirsty? Your mom left her drink over there.”

I can’t figure out if my family is so used to my odd behavior they don’t question these sorts of things, or if my family is a naked family and I just never knew.

Ben: “Did you see Uncle Cabbage Patch’s new house? It’s so cool.”

Sarah: “Yeah, but I still haven’t decided which room is mine.” It’s between the one on the end or kicking the kiddo out of the pink room.”

Ben: “No, Sarah!! I already called shotgun on the end room. I saw it first!”

Sarah: “So what, I’m older.”

Ben: “You can’t use that forever you know. It’s not my fault you were born first.”

Sarah: “I will use it whenever I please. Besides the room is perfect for me.. it’s secluded and slightly separate from the others.”

Ben: “I refuse to give it up. The pink room screams Sarah, you should just move into that one.”

Sarah: “Hey, Ben… you do realize we’re fighting over a room in a house neither of us will ever live in right?”

Ben: “And your point is?”