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OK, so I wasn’t actually a derby princess, but I will be. That’s my new life goal. Forget college and the dreams of writing; I want to be a demolition derby princess.

I NEED that tiara and sash.

If only to cover up the unflattering shirt I decided to wear. I probably would have chosen my clothes a little more carefully had I known I was going to be riding around on top of a car. The crowd is just lucky I wore pants.

I should be easy to spot in this picture since I’m the only girl. I’d say look for the long hair, but the derby is mullet turf.

I had an incredible night and I’d tell you all about it, but I’m saving it for column fodder so I don’t have to leave the house again this weekend. DON’T JUDGE ME! Well you can if you want, but after judging send wine.

My family had a BBQ to celebrate Mother’s Day yesterday. Nothing says thanks for creating me like fat, juicy hamburgers and homemade cinnamon rolls.

I should have helped in the kitchen, or at least pretended to help; however someone had to jump on the trampoline with the kids and look like a jackass.

I’m that jackass… anything to get out of kitchen duty.

ANYTHING.

Here’s the video to prove it:

I edited out the part where I explain to my niece that we can no longer jump high because it makes Aunt Sarah pee her pants. That part is OK on film, but what’s not OK is when I explain to a child that I have an old lady bladder and that she’s going to totally have to change my diapers when I’m old because I changed hers. In exchange for diaper duty I had to agree to poop pink glitter. I think that’s more than fair.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommies out there, especially mine! I love her enough to change her diapers when she’s old even if her poop isn’t pink glitter. I love you Mommy!

Look at what the Easter Bunny brought me today:

Only it was actually Susan that gave it to me, and she gave it to me last week, not today. So really my Easter is a giant lie, but thanks to Susan calling me a bitch it will be a drunk one!

I didn’t make it to the country thanks to a broken water pump in my car. Thankfully I have a brother who is more than happy to fix it for me. Yay for family, even if you don’t end up spending Easter Sunday with them.

I’m headed to the country this weekend to spend Easter with my parents!

My friend Kelli is visiting her parents so I’m excited to see her and the Easter Bunny both. I hope she has the good sense to also give me presents. She’s competitive enough I can totally picture her trying to beat the Easter Bunny.

Speaking of which, I sent the below email to my Mother in an attempt to trick her into doing my grocery shopping. I have a sneaking suspicion she’ll see right through my facade. I also suspect she’ll do it anyway, because she’s just that amazing.

Dear Mom,

I’m coming home for Easter this year. I probably won’t go to church with you on Sunday, but I’d still like to celebrate. So if you’ll kindly place the following items in a pink Easter basket:

A bottle of vitamins
A bottle of melatonin
Mascara
Toilet paper
Diet tonic water
Green grapes
Cheddar cheese
Zit cream
Cauliflower
Yogurt
Baked tofu
Wheat Thins
Peach Fresca

These items won’t seem very Easter-ish to you, so if you want to throw in Easter candy I wouldn’t be opposed. I love you, and can’t wait to see you!!

Love,
Sarah

Read my first column of the New Year: “That’s What She Said.” I’m sort of over resolutions so this column explains what I’ve decided to do instead.

I hope everyone had a happy and safe New Year’s Eve. I spent mine with good food and my BFFs. Couldn’t ask for more.

My favorite thing about Christmas is spending time with my niece and nephew.  Everything is more entertaining when you have the comedy of four-year-old.  EVERYTHING.

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas. I also hope your mother didn’t force you to put on your pajamas and sit on some strange old man’s lap. Mine did. Because that’s how you celebrate in the country.

My brother, Ben, and I are in the country for the holidays.  The country, in case you don’t know, is the most boring thing ever.  When we complained to my mother about how bored we were she suggested we do her hair, go caroling to the neighboring cattle or read Christmas stories to one another.

Umm… no thanks.

Instead we opened a few presents.  One of which was from my grandmother and contained a package of needles.  I’m not really sure why, but it was fun nonetheless.

The needles resulted in all sorts of Nielson madness.  Next year I’m asking for surgical tubing.

The last part of the video is by far the best–Ben always makes me laugh. His concentration in this video is remarkable, but not nearly as funny as the other.

Here is my column for this week: “That’s What She Said.”

The issue for this week is all about NYE, if you live locally and want to check out what’s going on do that here.  I would, but I’m trying to find an excuse to stay home that night.  So far I’ve got: 1) I’m snowed in, and 2) I’m grounded.

Both excuses are sort of lacking, but people stopped believing me when I told them I was too scared of Hannibal Lecter to leave my house.

Imaginary boyfriends are the most generous boyfriends of all.  My imaginary boyfriend knows exactly what to buy me for Christmas.  No silly gifts that I won’t use, or that are too generic.  He buys me the exact same things I would buy for myself.

Not only is my imaginary boyfriend generous, but also incredibly smart.  He crossed out the tags on the gifts from Kelli and wrote in his name.  GENIUS! I can’t help but love him more every day.