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I’m THIS close to punching myself in the face. Why? This and because I know what E3 Expo is.

Help.

This week’s “That’s What She Said” explains why I vote the way I do. I’m genuinely interested in how other people decided their party affiliation. What are you passionate about and why? SHARE PEOPLE, share.

This week’s “That’s What She Said.” Someday I’ll stop having imaginary conversations with famous people. Today is not that day.

Read this week’s column to hear about my beef with Google.

Read this week’s “That’s What She Said” to hear about my adventures in lawn care.

RELATED: I need a damn manservant. I cannot offer pay, medical or dental, but I will supply cheap wine.

This week’s column for In Utah This Week talks about my experiences with hiding the evidence of a hot date from my mother and the world.

AND…

If that’s not enough, you can read my post on Aiming Low where I explain the best way to lose male friends and fatten your hooha.

I can’t wait to see if this week’s column offends hippies. I suspect they are easier going than the truck driving community, but these things are hard to predict.

DAMMIT.

I should have asked the tarot reader about this. Maybe she can still email me a list of all future offenses. That would make life sooooo much easier… you know because then I’d have a publishing schedule.

I’ve been sorta scarce this week. I’ve just been soooooo busy pissing off truck drivers and in turn trying not to let them piss me off.

Actually that’s not true… I don’t mind hateful comments when they are clever and this week’s column sparked a little humor alongside the hate. One ill-intended comment and half a dozen emails later I’m quickly realizing the majority of truckers want to run me over and use me as a mudflap.

Seems like I can’t write anything without pissing someone off. This week: truck drivers, next week: wet kittens. Hopefully the kittens have a better sense off humor.

My column for In Utah This Week is about my mission to rid the world of smoking. Yeah, yeah… I’m THAT asshole, which shouldn’t be all that surprising.

This week’s “That’s What She Said” for In Utah This Week is a country weekend lifesaver.

I know, I know… ANOTHER column about the country. Tough shit. Just read it already.