That's What She Said About… Vacations on the Beach
August 25, 2010 at 8:30 AM
Thanks!
I’ve never had an interest in learning to speak Spanish. I’d much rather spend the time improving my slang and teen vernacular, or napping. Not that there’s anything wrong with the Spanish language, I just never found it appealing.
My friend Kelli is a typical teacher who thinks everyone should learn new things. She is also a giant whore.
Yesterday, while I worked a few extra hours, she started packing my apartment for my upcoming move. When I moved the boxes I found a hidden Spanish lesson:
She must really want me to learn Spanish. Speaking of which, does anyone know the translation for controlling, bossy whore?
Kelli called me last night as I was in the bathroom washing my face before bed. Usually I would have just called her back, but because we always end up playing phone tag I answered the call and immediately put her on speaker.
“I promise I’m not using a vibrator. I know it sounds like one but it’s this new Clean and Clear’s Blackhead Eraser that I bought at Target tonight.”
“Sarah, our friendship just died. You cannot answer the phone and talk about a vibrator instead of saying hello.”
“Oh yes I can, it’s going to bring us closer together.”
We continued our conversation as I washed my face. She told me all about playing Bunko with some friends. I pointed out it was only a matter of time until she moved back to Utah and joined out mother’s game group. She told me to shut-up.
I finished up with my mini-facial and was admiring my smooth skin in the mirror.
“Damn that feels good.”
“Well of course it does. That’s the point of a vibrator, Sarah.”
It seems there are some crazy rumors flying around the internet about little old me. It’s disconcerting to say the least.
What rumors you must be wondering? No, it’s not about the time I danced atop a table in a bar. The details of that night die with me.
This is worse.
MUCH WORSE.
It seems my dear friend Kelli has broken our secret pact. So much for “what happens in the country, stays in the country.” Instead of keeping her big mouth shut, she ratted me out to the entire internet. An accident is an accident. I would never purposely hurt a dear friend like Kelli. Unless, of course, she refuses to back to Utah WHERE SHE BELONGS!
And as soon as I’m completely recovered from this nasty bout of the flu I am going to kick that girl’s ass—giving us both a much-needed workout. GIRL FIGHT!
It’s on girly.
I’m relaxed and ready to take on the week after a country girl weekend with Kelli. More than ever I’m convinced she needs to move back to Utah if only for the sake of keeping me happy and productive. I need to prove to her that Utah has just as much to offer her as California, if not more. I mean, really, where in San Diego is she going to find a hotel that offers this?
When I found out Kelli was coming to Utah for a visit I begged her bring me some Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Almonds with Sea Salt and Turbinado Sugar. When I say I begged… I’m totally lying. The truth is I threatened her. The conversation went something like this:
“If you don’t bring me some sugar crack I will murder you in your sleep and steal all your cute clothes.”
“NOOOOO, not my clothes!”
Which, at the time, I thought was really weird because it’s not like a dead girl can wear all those clothes.
Since Kelli is a good friend (or scared shitless of death) she brought me the sugar crack.
This is what my sugar crack SHOULD look like:
Doesn’t that stuff look amazing? Yeah.. not this time:
She left them in the car once she arrived in Utah, where they melted. Kelli, THE GIRL WHO LIVES IN A YEAR ROUND WARM CLIMATE, forgot the dangers of leaving chocolate in the sun. Sigh…
I’m headed to the country this weekend to spend Easter with my parents!
My friend Kelli is visiting her parents so I’m excited to see her and the Easter Bunny both. I hope she has the good sense to also give me presents. She’s competitive enough I can totally picture her trying to beat the Easter Bunny.
Speaking of which, I sent the below email to my Mother in an attempt to trick her into doing my grocery shopping. I have a sneaking suspicion she’ll see right through my facade. I also suspect she’ll do it anyway, because she’s just that amazing.
Dear Mom,
I’m coming home for Easter this year. I probably won’t go to church with you on Sunday, but I’d still like to celebrate. So if you’ll kindly place the following items in a pink Easter basket:
A bottle of vitamins
A bottle of melatonin
Mascara
Toilet paper
Diet tonic water
Green grapes
Cheddar cheese
Zit cream
Cauliflower
Yogurt
Baked tofu
Wheat Thins
Peach Fresca
These items won’t seem very Easter-ish to you, so if you want to throw in Easter candy I wouldn’t be opposed. I love you, and can’t wait to see you!!
Love,
Sarah
Yesterday while I was on the phone with Kelli I found out some very fascinating information. No, they have not found a miracle cure for OCD, so she’ll still be vacuuming her backyard twice a week.
The news was even bigger. Apparently she and my brother, Matt, went to prom together when they were in high school. I had no idea. I’m guessing I wasn’t informed because I hated her so much back then and would have found additional ways to torture both her, and my brother.
She was this close to being my sister.
I’ve never seen the pictures, so I have no proof of this date. However, when she got engaged to one of Matt’s best friends he emailed her his best wishes. By best wishes he told her to tell her fiancée he was going to kick his ass for trying to marry his prom date. Something about breaking guy code. This is where I get confused, I thought guy code was whoever drinks the last beer has to go get more beer, same goes for the last roll of toilet paper.
I hope Kelli and Scotty take their time setting a date, because there will still time for me to win her back. Errr, I mean, Matt to win her back.