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My crazy, OCD friend Kelli drove from San Diego to spend a couple of days with me.  I asked her what she wanted to do with her time here and when her list included multiple trips to the gym, cleaning my apartment and math homework I immediately came down with a case of strep throat in hopes to avoid every single item on her list.

I forgot one minor detail: the girl is immune to strep.

Kelli has never had strep throat in her entire life; meanwhile I get it at least once a year.  I’m guessing the germs are scared of her.  I certainly am.

She still made me do math homework, but instead of a trip to the gym she parked herself next to me on the couch all day while I coughed and whined about not feeling well.  She did not, however, do my laundry, organize my shoe closet by color, wash my walls, vaccum my stair, or scrub my bathroom with a toothbrush–so much for using her mental illness to my advantage.

Yesterday RLO and I got in touch with our inner teen and joined Kelli for a showing of “Twilight.” I’m not above seeing a cheesy vampire love flick–ESPECIALLY when I am able to talk RLO into going.  Which, oddly enough, was quite simple to do. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact he’s been reading the book series.

That’s the only explanation for his complete emotional melt down during the movie. Throughout the movie RLO would lean in close to me and ask me to hold him.  Each time Kelli would glare and us and whisper, “I hate you both!”

We thought we were quite clever.  She did not.  I’d feel bad for ruining the movie for her but I was too busy feeling bad for myself that I got stuck sitting in front of complete movie assholes.

Movie assholes are the worst.  Is it really that difficult to keep your feet from kicking the seat in front of you repeatedly?  Guess so.  Instead of turning around and kindly asking them to stop I chose to pout.  When RLO left the movie for a quick trip to the bathroom he turned to me and said, “Sarah can you please not get into a fight while I’m gone?”

I nodded my head.  He should know by now I’m not about to talk shit on someone until I have someone else to save my ass.  Sure I had Kelli there, but she was too busy making weird moaning noises each time Edward Cullen came on screen.

I survived the movie.  My pride, however, did not.

Being the good friend that she is Kelli thinks she has found a solution for my financial woes.  She has decided I should move to San Diego, go to school there on student loans, and commit to teaching school long enough for the government to pay off the loans.  Not a bad idea, but I think she just wants a scooter buddy.  Which is completely selfish given the fact I’m not near ready for year round swimsuit season.

Since RLO is my closest girlfriend these days, I discussed the idea with him.

“Sarah, you realize kids are shits, right?”

“All people are shits.  I think age is irrelevant. You know this would all be so much easier if you’d a) be my sugar daddy, or b) let me sell your flower to the Internet.”

“Well you’re getting closer to being a born-again virgin. You can sell your own flower.”

“RLO, I think yours would yield a higher profit than a slightly used flower.”

“I just looked born-again virgin up and Urban Dictionary says 6 months. You are good to go. And I think your flower is in higher demand than mine.”

“I’ll sell both flowers and of course take all the profit, but at least you’ll be left with a satisfied wiener.”

He didn’t agree, but he also didn’t veto the idea, which is pretty much a green light.  It wasn’t until later, I realized it was odd RLO knew the exact timing of my last sexual escapade.  Needless to say, I’m going to find that hidden camera tonight and I’m going to give him a show to remember.

I may not have a better half to come home to, but I do have something else: a scooter BFF with impeccable timing! I came home to find a package of goodies in the mail, including the elite scooter bad ass scarf.

Now if I could just get my damn scooter repaired. Thanks Kelli, you’re the best long distance relationship a girl could ask for!