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A Small Tidbit

My mom was questioning an ethical decision I made recently:

Mom: “And do you think you made the right decision?”

Sarah: “How am I supposed to know, remember I dropped an ethics class when a midget sat behind me.”

M: “Sarah, a midget, really?”

S: “Um sorry, I think the correct term is vertically challenged.”

M: “Interesting. So what is your politically correct term? Spiritually challenged?”

S: “I’m sure that’s one of many. Wanna hear my suggestions?”

M: “Maybe another time.”

S: “Should I remind you?”

M: ” No, never.”

The Mother/Daughter Relationship

I feel ill today—on the verge of puking every other second. Yet, I still made it to classes and to work. I’m very proud of my current Supergirl status, though I’d much rather be curled up in bed with someone taking care of me. Only there isn’t a someone in my life right now. Daisy with her lack of opposable thumbs is completely useless.

I can’t decide if I ate something bad, or if I’m still sick over yesterday’s lunch conversation with my mom:

Mom: “Do you want my tomatoes?”
Sarah: “No thank you. They are good for the prostate, but my non-existent one is fine at the moment.”
M: “Oh, they are? I’ll have to tell your dad. When I rolled over in bed….”
S: “MOM!! Please stop. I do not want to hear this. No way, no how. Just stop!”
M: “What? Anyway…”
S: “Mom, I’m not kidding. I’ll leave.”
M: “As I was saying…”

(At this point I was curled up in fetus position underneath the table. Okay that part isn’t true, but I did briefly consider it.)

M: “When I rolled over in bed I noticed a book on your dad’s side of the table. It was a prostate health book. See, it wasn’t that bad. You’re so weird about things.”
S: “Remind me why I meet you for lunch?”
M: “Because I pay.”

I know it’s selfish, but I just don’t want to hear this stuff. It was bad enough having my mom and cousin, both nurses, discussing labor and delivery. I can only assume they were trying to discourage the birth of my hypothetical illegitimate child.

A Phone Conversation with My Mother

“Mom I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately– if for some reason I end up knocked up and all alone will you be there for me?”

“Of course honey, unless I’m dead.”

“Funny you should mention that, you almost died Monday. When my alarm clock went off that morning I remember hearing on the news about a nasty car wreck in Millard county and a woman died. I realized I hadn’t heard from you on Sunday and thought maybe you were dead.”

“You did? You didn’t call.”

“I thought about it, but I went back to sleep instead.  When I got up later I figured someone would have called me if you were dead. BUT I did tell my friends the story later that afternoon if that counts for anything.”

“Sweetie, your Dad is in Alaska, who would have called you? You really should have called me to check.”

“MOM! You aren’t dead! Does it really matter now? I just want to know if you’re going to be supportive when I’m knocked up and all alone. You can’t be dead, who is going to raise my child?”

“Ummm, are you trying to tell me something, Sarah?”

“No Mother, I’m the furthest thing from knocked up. I’m currently in a dry spell.”

“Sarah as much as I’d love to discuss your sex life, I need to get back to work now. We can discuss this when I see you tomorrow afternoon at lunch.”

“You really want to discuss my hypothetical illegitimate child?!”

“Not a chance. See you tomorrow. Sarah, please don’t forget to show up.”

a mother's day our way!

happy mother’s day, mommy! i just want to take a moment to remind you i’m your favorite child. sometimes i know it’s a competition between ben and i, but after reading the below story i’m positive you’ll reward me with the best child title.

last night banjo ben, scott and i went to a party at ak’s house. on the way home scott was telling ben about the bi-sexual woman who spend 15 minutes in the bathroom with her date’s ex-wife, both walking out in a very good mood. (scott will insist i point out both women were “smokin”.)

ben was in total disbelief he missed such a pivotal moment in the evening, so it couldn’t possibly be true by his reasoning. when i told him it really had happened, he grabbed his phone and started dialing, “i’m just going to check…”

oh, and mom… ben opened bottles with his teeth last night. so that makes me a better child too. i’m responsible about my dental bills. how could you not appreciate that?