Thanks!
If I could pick one person to dry hump for the rest of my life it would be Jeff Tweedy. He completes me. Read my love letter in this week’s “That’s What She Said.”
P.S. dry humping isn’t considered cheating, right?
This week’s “That’s What She Said” is about the Ben Folds concert at Deer Valley.
All drunken shenanigans can be viewed here… until my mom calls and begs me to take them down.
A big thanks to the Utah Jesus for saving us seats!
Did you guys watch the Neil Diamond TV concert last night? If not please lie, because otherwise you are dead to me.
I was so excited about the concert that I picked out a special couch outfit, which is code for tee-shirt and underwear. I couldn’t decide on just one shirt, instead I chose two and switched halfway through the concert. I did, not, however switch underwear. It seemed like a waste of a clean pair. I’m single-handedly saving the environment with my vagina.
First half:
Second half:
After watching the concert I decided Neil should be my BFF. I mean we have sooooo much in common–well except for that wrinkly old man part. He’s Jewish and I work out at the Jewish Community Center. He has a pink sparkly shirt, I have four. OK, so the similarities stop there, but that doesn’t mean the BFF-ship should stop. It’s perfect timing since RLO is practically worthless to me.
(When your BFF falls in love he suddenly become an idiot.)
(RLO didn’t tell me he was in love, but he also didn’t tell me he was Canadian and he totally is.)
(Canadians shouldn’t be allowed to fall in love and ruin lives.)
(So maybe RLO didn’t ruin my life, but eating at the pub isn’t the same without him.)
(Enough about RLO. He pisses me off anyway. Neil Diamond DOES NOT piss me off. Neil Diamond is perfect.)
Read this week’s “That’s What She Said” for details on my not-so-secret crush on the Old 97’s frontman.
Mormon Jesus is ruining my life.
First he’s like, “Hey Sarah, wine is devil juice and my people aren’t allowed to drink it.” I ignored him because that’s what I do. AND THEN he’s like, “Sarah did know coffee is a warm drink and therefore against the Word of Wisdom?” I wasn’t having anyone tell me I can’t drink coffee so I said, “Jesus, dude, I drink my coffee cold. I’m not breaking your crazy rules. Suck it.”
Telling Jesus to suck it is never a good idea. Ever. He ruined the one and only chance I had at finding true love.
Jeff Tweedy, my soul mate and the lead singer of Wilco, is playing in Las Vegas on June 19. I was ecstatic when I found out. Wilco is one of my favorite bands and I’ve never seen them play. I planned a girls’ trip to Sin City so I could finally meet and marry Jeff Tweedy.
Guess who went and ruined that plan? Yup, Mormon Jesus. He’s like, “Sarah, Sin City is where sinning happens. Forget it. You’re NOT GOING!” I ignored him and continued planning my weekend trip.
I sometimes forget that Jesus is all in charge of the universe or whatever. He decided to spoil my plans by sending my brother home from his two-year LDS mission in Japan on June 19.
Just because I told him to suck it, I’ll never see Wilco play.
Mormon Jesus is so mean.
So maybe that’s stretching the truth, but wearing the tank top from his concert to bed is practically the same thing as sleeping with him. The only difference is there’s WAY less risk of an STD.
After all these years my crush/true love Jonathan Knight still has the right stuff. No really, just look at his sexy dance moves. Hubba hubba. To read abut the actual concert you’ll have to wait until Thursday when my column comes out. But in other crush news, I have one, and it’s good.
Last night at the Clap Your Hands Say Yeah concert someone Rlo knew walked by. He, of course, didn’t introduce me.
He pretends he’s protecting me from his Mormon friends and their wild heathen activities such as praying, and talking reverently about Jesus or kittens. However, I know the truth: he’s protecting them from me and my need to use the word fuck at least 3,000 times a day.
“Was that one of your Mormons or school friends?”
“She’s a Mormon friend, and a nurse.”
“Another one? How many naughty nurse friends do you have?”
“Let’s just say I’m covered in the sponge bath department.”
“Ohhh, if I ever get too lazy to shower can I borrow them?”
Rlo looked at me in disgust and said, “No, Sarah, I’ll hire that out. It’s worth the money.”
I see absolutely no reason why Rlo should be embarrassed of my extreme laziness. If anything he should be pleased, especially now during the Olympics. Where’s his sense of competitive pride? I’d fire him, but he’s irreplaceable.
To read my column this week click here. It’s all about the Gallivan concerts, which are tonight. See you there?
Read this week’s column for In Utah This Week here. I was lazy with the camera that night, but here are the few pictures that we took. I was far too busy watching the hippies in front of me drop acid and then immediately pass out.
I did appreciate the medics telling them,”If possible try and slow down on your drinking for the remainder of the night.” This is why I am not in the heath care industry. I would have said, “Stupid fucking kids, what did you expect would happen? Now if possible, GO HOME AND WASH YOUR HAIR!” This is where I slightly differ from a caring individual.