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Dear Chady-Bear,

It’s nice to hear you’re not dead. I haven’t heard that directly from you of course, but from our dear mother. WHAT THE HELL?! You can take the time to send her a letter, but not me? I’ve given you a five day grace period from when mom received her letter, and still… nothing. Bad Chad! Are you playing favorites because you came out of her? Because if so, might I remind you, who did you spend more time with until the age of five? Yeah, me. Maybe you blocked those years from your memory, and for the sake of your inner holy ghost, perhaps that’s best.

Do you remember when you thought you invented the “F” word? (For the safety of your eternal salvation I’ll not type the actual word. Now that’s love!) I was driving you to daycare on my way to school, which I did EVERY SINGLE DAY! You couldn’t get your seatbelt to buckle correctly and you yelled f*** at the top of your cute little lungs. I asked you were in the world you’d heard such a bad word. “Sissy, I made it up. It’s my word, not bad.” I’d never been so proud, so I let you have that one. That was the year you made a bed inside my closet because I wouldn’t let you sleep with me and you wanted to be close. You were four.

Listen up Bear… if you don’t send me a letter soon, I’m going to be forced to tell your mission president your affinity for profanity.

Love, love, love you!

Sis

There’s a new bitch in town, and she goes by the name Pants. I only hope she doesn’t catch the Jesus–I hear it itches in the nether regions.

My lovely friend is moving to the land of Zion this week. She hails from San Francisco where wine flows cheaply and the men, while gay, are very, very pretty. I suspect the shock value of her new home will drive her to daily drinking. YAY!

She comes from religious stock, but like myself quit that shit years ago. Who said quitting was a bad thing?

I’ll let the good old women of Relief Society know you’ve arrived, dear girl. Let the baked goods begin. They magically appear on my doorstep twice a month. I think the treats will go well with our Bloody Mary Sundays– the only true religion for kids like us!

Dear Chady,

Thanks for proving I am way cooler then Ben. I’ve always known it, and suspected you did too. I can’t wait to tell him you called me from the airport and not him. And promised I’ll make him send you a letter soon. If not a letter he can at least draw you a picture or something? I finally gave him your letter Friday night at our favorite bar. It’s the only time I was going to see him, so figured it’s better to give it to him there then not at all. I took a picture of it on the table next to our liquid refreshment. It’s irreverent I know, but makes me smile nonetheless.

You’re a total punk ass, you know. Telling me to come get you from the airport is not a joke. For just a moment I thought I was going to be smuggling a missionary out of the airport into the real world.

It’s crazy to think as I type this you’re well on your way to Japan. I can’t believe I am not going to see you for two years. How sad, but there is something you can do that will bring me much comfort: FIND HELLO KITTY WINE! I’ve seen pictures of it and need it. I’m not suggesting you break Mormon code and drink it, I’m just suggesting you send it for my birthday. You have until November; so don’t make it a priority.

I can’t believe you got cheated out of seeing The Simpsons movie before you left. I know how much you’d been looking forward to seeing it. If it makes you feel any better I saw and loved it. Also sorry to hear all your music got deleted off your iPod. Maybe God did it? You’re not supposed to have non-church music, right? Anyway, as usual I’m more than happy to help you break the rules. Let me know what you want sent.

Love you Bear! I’ll be waiting for a letter from Japan.

Love, Sis

Chady-bear leaves the MTC next week and heads to Japan. I got my last Provo, Utah postmarked letter today. I laughed so hard at this part, I just had to post it:

“I didn’t learn Japanese in three months. I can speak VERY limited and understand all but nothing. But why do I need that when I got a face like mine? I’ll attract all the Japanese girls and my companion will talk to them and teach them. Sound like a good idea?”

(Ben, Matt, Chady, Sarah)

After looking at the picture he sent me of just us kids on the day he entered the MTC, I think he should be okay. He’s lucky he doesn’t look like Matt, then there might be problems.

Dear Chady-Bear,

STOP SENDING BEN LETTERS TO MY HOUSE! (Please read that as many times as necessary.) Seriously, I’m not a postal carrier—I don’t have the legs for it, though I doubt all postal carriers are as hot as the girl that delivers my mail. I bet most people have men or women who look like they moonlight at the Maverick. Remember that creepy lady that worked at the Mav by my house and I refused to go in when she was working because I was convinced her face moles were separate people? Sorry, I digress… I just don’t want to be bothered with having to deliver Ben his mail. You have his address. I’ve given it to you, Mom’s given it to you and from what I understand so has Ben. STOP.

How are you?

I’m out of wine. The case of two-buck chuck you gave me before leaving is long gone. Maybe I’m drinking to cope with the loss of my baby brother?

I’m accidentally addicted to the Justin Timberlake Bringing Sexy Back song. I have no idea what happened, but I am 100% obsessed. Also obsessed with” Big Love.” The first time I watched it I hated it and didn’t get past the opening credits. I gave it a second chance and it’s like crack—totally addicting. I know Ben watches it, but did you pre-mission? It could be the common religious link all the siblings share! I bet Matt & Holli would watch it. Jeff and what’s her face probably do, since they live pretty much in Herriman (which is probably home to many polygamists).

Summer semester end this week, which will be nice. I’ll have time to optimize my procrastination skills. I promised myself I’d organize and clean that little office nook I have upstairs. I was going to ask if you missed being in classes, but remembered Mom said you were in class non-stop in the MTC.

Things are going pretty well despite my silly rants. I miss seeing my geeks everyday but I don’t miss that sick feeling in my stomach I got each day walking into the office. Freedom is aweome and totally worth pinching pennies over. That iPhone can wait, and the trip to Italy with Silvia will be there next year. She’s moving back. I can’t wait to have my Italian mother back. Daisy still scratches on her door thinking she and Rog still live there.

Carmen is moving to San Diego at the end of the month. It hit me pretty hard. He’s been a constant in my life for ten years. It’ll be weird not being able to just drive over to his house. I can’t think about it too long without getting emotional.

I’ll let you get back to whatever you do there, but consider yourself updated on my life as requested.

Love you Bear!

Love,
Sissy

Dear Chady-Bear, 7.22.07

I got your letter AND EMAIL asking for more letters. This is the part where righteous indignation kicks in. I am sending you letters! This is the second one in a month. That’s way more then I ever sent Ben—granted Ben can’t read, but still…

(Please note I used the word righteous, I’m trying to think of key words the MTC will approve of.)

I’ve got a proposition for you: I’ll gladly send you one (or more) letters per month, but they’ll also get posted on my blog. I can hear you freaking out, but it’s not really that bad. I’m not posting your letters, though I will sometimes blog about something if it’s funny enough, like the woman’s underwear you found in your ALL MALE MTC DORM! Now, that’s funny and worth mentioning, but I promise you all the religions stuff you write I won’t blog, because it’s private and boring. Deal?

So I have a confession to make. (Confession, yet another MTC approved word!) Remember the day of your farewell and you told me not to read the letter you were sending your mission president? I did anyway. Sorry, but I’m way too nosy, and once you told me not to of course I had to. But it’s not all bad. I saw what sweet things you wrote about me. If I remember correctly it was that I’m a super funny sister even if I’m not a “real Mormon.” I couldn’t help but laugh. You’re pretty funny yourself.

Things here are mostly good. My computer Chia pet died this week. Twice. Seriously how I can keep a dog alive is a miracle. I went and saw Transformers. It was okay, but more your style of movie. What’s that? You want to see it, but can’t? Ha ha, that’s what you get for picking God over real life.

So how are things going there anyway? I can’t imagine having to learn a language in three months. I just saw on the news the Nephi fire is still a huge threat. I guess you’re not praying enough. Better get right on that, it’s getting pretty close to mom and dad. I’m sure they are fine, but my easy bake oven is at their house and I don’t want to have it in danger.

Sorry Bear, but I don’t have a picture to send you this time. I know you want one of Daisy and me together. I’ll get one sent soon. I promise. Ben said to tell you hi. Apparently that’s supposed to count as a letter—his words not mine. When are you leaving for Japan? I need to make room in my apartment for all the cute pink Hello Kitty stuff you’re going to be sending.

Well I need to get to bed, I’m old and this past weekend held way too many late night activities for me.

Love and miss you.

Sis

Dear Chady-bear, 7/10/07

Thanks for your email! As requested here is your “real” letter. I’m glad you liked the package I sent you. However, I’m not sending you anymore jerky. I gave you enough to last a normal person a year. Silly Bear, red meat is bad for you. Did you like the stuff Ben included? As you may have guessed the half used bottle of mustard was his addition. Go figure.

I’m sorry you have to share a room with 12 guys. That doesn’t sound so bad to me, sans the garments of course.

This part of your email made me giggle: Are the mariners winning their division? Are the redsox wasting the yankee’s? Come on, keep me posted, I’m in a prison up here about to go crazy!

It’s so cute you think I have any idea which baseball teams are winning. The only baseball related fact I can offer is Thirsty Thursdays at the Bee games are by far the best thing baseball has to offer, even though the beer lines are long.

As far as feeling like you are in a prison, I have one word: DUH! What were you expecting? The MTC isn’t exactly a Hilton.

Three months without any sports, news and “huntin” is going to drive you crazy. Maybe you should just come home. You can hide in my apartment for the next two years–Mom and Dad will never know the difference. I think it’s brilliant! You’ll of course have to get a job or be my manservant. Your duties would be simple: clean, cook, walk Daisy, designated driving, Starbucks runs and garbage removal. It’s not Japan but at least it’s religion-free. Plus the only language you’ll have to learn is Sarah-speak, and you’ve already got 19 years experience.

All in all, it makes sense. Well… other than I can’t offer you medical or dental insurance. And I have a strict no gun policy in my house.

You’ll stay, I know you. Besides you’re the youngest child and pleasing Mom and Dad is all on your shoulders. I was lucky to be the oldest. I knew I could spend a lifetime disappointing them with my life choices and they still have four other children to make them proud. But no pressure, Chady.

I love you and miss having my Bear around. Visiting home just isn’t the same without you there. It’s too quiet and no one fights me for complete control of the television.

Let me know if you’d like something sent that isn’t jerky. I can wrap items in newspaper next time so you can at least read what the hell is going on in the world.

Love,

Sissy

i just noticed the inside tag on my jeans says “god loves you.” i don’t need my jeans to tell me that, i went to mormon primary. i’m also jesus’ sunbeam.

and, is it just me or does it seem odd to have god so close to my crotch?

chady-bear and i have more in common than i originally thought! he’s currently in the mtc doing that mormon training stuff before he heads to japan for his mission. he’s not allowed caffeine there, and it turns out he’s a slave to it, just like his sis.

he emailed and asked i send him a package of mountain dew and beef jerky. rather than argue with him on what a dumb request i decided to just go with it. after all, i’m not going to see him for two years. i might as well be nice to him.

i looked all over target and couldn’t find any jerky. of course my standby maverick gas station had some. so chady gets his mountain dew, a meat blanket and just to be a bratty sister i sent some princess pop-tarts. what the hell, right? he can’t yell at me… he’s with god now.

i want my money back. i did not leave happy, because today, i am less one brother.

this morning i had breakfast with my parents, ben and chady-bear. after breakfast my parent’s took chady to the mtc. i wasn’t successful in talking him out of going on a mission. he’s stubborn, just like a true nielson.

on the drive to provo i pointed out to ben our parents must love him more, because his last meal was held somewhere much better. he pointed out our parents love both he and chady more, because they’ve never sent me on a two year vacation. ben sucks.