Contact

i hope chady-bear knows how much i love him. i went to church for him! his talk warmed my heart, not for the spiritual content but the comedic content. my baby brother is funny! who knew?

my mom is the choir director so she was on the stand (what do they actually call that?) as was chad. the rest of our family was on the back row, which says a lot about us. ben and i sat there for the escape factor. our plan was to secure seating and then leave to get drinks, making it back in time just for chad’s talk. but, jesus was onto us– the program listed the speakers but not the order. we were stuck. the gas station is 7 minutes from the church and we didn’t dare risk it. again, that’s how much i love chady, i stayed for the ENTIRE church meeting!

my brothers are as evil as i am. we knew chady had his cell phone in his pocket… so we they called it, over and over–each time seeing his face get redder and redder. only stopping momentarily to let hannah leave him a voicemail telling him to hurry because she needed a diet coke. (the funny thing, is i had nothing to do with that part.)

i lost interest and agreed to read a book to little hula, my brother’s step-daughter. she had a children’s anatomy book my mom gave her. did i mention she’s 3? it was awkward reading the page containing scrotum and vagina to her at church, but i persevered.

until this point, my sister-in-law holli was listening to the speakers and taking no part in our poor behavior. but, then she whipped a card out of her purse and handed it to me, “this is a thank you for watching the kids last week.” it was a starbucks gift card. yup, holli pretty much gave me coffee at a mormon church. she is now one of us… for better or for worse.

i think my tv is directly linked to the church. no, seriously. i watched the first part of the frontline mormon documentary monday night. last night i didn’t get a chance to see the second part because of my house guest–my mormon house guest! yeah, the timing is uncanny, isn’t it?

a neighbor of my mothers stayed at my house last night, who consequently was my young women’s leader. (the one who bought me beer in high school. i claimed it was to wash my hair with for softness, but we all know it never made it to my hair.)

i thought we’d watch the second part last night while eating milk and cookies and quoting our favorite scriptures, but we didn’t. rather, she caught me up on all the town gossip–none of which included a scandal of any kind. it’s been a tad on the slow side since i left.
she didn’t say a word about my coffeemaker or the bottles of wine. all the other naughty stuff i put out of eyesight. though she did out me as dating someone, when she noticed a contact case and blue toothbrush in my bathroom. (both of which were obviously not mine.) i pleaded the fifth, but give it a week before my mom asks about it.

my kitchen light has been burned out for over three weeks. any other light i would have replaced the bulb myself. this light, however, is a death trap waiting to happen. the fixture is old making it nearly impossible to extract the bulb. i tried but stopped when i realized if i was electrocuted there’d be no one to save me. daisy is less lassie and more kujo–she’d chew my legs off before attempting to make any sort of rescue.

banjo-ben and chady-bear stopped by last night to drop off the case of wine i asked them to bring from their weekend jaunt to california. the minute they walked in the door i handed ben a box of light bulbs, being the seasoned slave he passed them off quickly to chad and claimed he just had to show me the cool pictures he bought in berkley. we both bolted leaving chad on his own to fix the light, because we’re caring siblings like that.

a few minutes later chady walked outside looking a little dazed–apparently i forgot to turn the light switch off. it’s best chady took care of the job, he’s leaving on a mission and his god is not about to let him die before he squeezes two years out of him.

Ben and I drove to the country today to have lunch with my parents and grandparents. My baby brother Chady-Bear received his mission call this week, so the lunch conversation turned into a God-fest rather quickly. Usually I eat really fast and escape from the table before this happens. Today I wasn’t so lucky.

My mother was telling a missionary story, which like a horrrible daugher I wasn’t paying attention to until she said “the spirit touched her.” Without thinking I immediately responded saying, “isn’t that illegal?” I thought for sure everyone would freak out since my grandparents were there. Before my mother could give me the look of death my grandmother burst out laughing. I really do have the best, most understanding family ever.

I want a life coach. Scratch that. I need a life coach! I cannot be trusted to make my own decisions anymore, especially when it comes to men in my life. The good ones I manage to walk away from. The ones who are bad for me I keep around. Not anymore. I’m giving that up for Lent. Because now I totally get Lent. Wikipedia knows everything–way more than that stupid Dex guy in the phonebook commercials.

I can pick out an excellent pair of shoes (i.e. my new camouflage ballet flats), but I can’t pick a man to save my life. Not that I’m comparing men to shoes. Shoes, for me, last longer. I still have (and wear) my first pair of Cons. Yes, I own the same shoes I did in high school. I’m cool like that.

I’m serious about this life coach thing. Therapists are so last year…

my cousin had her baby blessed this morning at church. ben and i were supposed to be there at 9:00. we both overslept and didn’t make it. i text him when i woke up and told him we were the worst cousins ever, but at least well rested ones. he agreed and i imagine went right back to sleep.

not only am i bad with mornings, but i’m bad with religion. i get so bored at church. i just don’t have the attention span for it. i sit and think about all the other stuff i could be doing. which is why i think someone needs to create iChrist. think, podcast religion–i could be spiritually enlightened while at the gym, grocery shopping or even at sbux.