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Last week after dinner RLO and I stopped by Williams-Sonoma. That’s what you do when your non-gay BFF fancies himself a gourmet chef.

The KitchenAid hand mixer on display had flour in the bowl.  Really, messy flour?  You know what happens next, right?  Of course I stuck my fingers in the bowl and wiped them on RLO’s dress pants, all while giggling like a six-year-old little girl.

I smiled at him and asked, “Do you hate me now?”

“Not more than usual, Sarah, you do a pretty good job of keeping the hate consistent.”

And that, dear readers, is the recipe to a beautiful friendship: 90% hate, mixed with the occasional 10% mushy feelings.

Today is the 10% mushy, as it’s RLO’s birthday.  I may tease him endlessly on this blog, and in real life, but truthfully I adore RLO and am incredibly lucky to have him as a best friend.  He’s intelligent, hilarious, handsome and most importantly patient enough to deal with me on a daily basis.

Happy birthday RLO! I hope to make you miserable for another 31 years!

I’m going to post about my trip soon, I promise. But right now I’m very busy catching up on emails, snuggling my dog, and trying to forget the horror that was flying Southwest. There was baby barf involved. Baby barf, people, ON MY LEG!

Until I get some time to post pictures and stories of my adventures, I will leave you with yet another to hate RLO: as soon as I arrived home he emailed me a picture of a letter he received in the mail addressed to “RLO & Michelle.” When the cat is away, the mouse will play.

AND FAKE A MARRIAGE!

It’s cute that he thinks a marriage would stop me from taking over his life again now that I’m home. Silly, silly boy.

When I was telling RLO my crush had taken me to the Grace Potter concert Saturday night he wasn’t as impressed as he should have been.

Probably because that he had no idea who she was. It could also have been that I may have mentioned that because I wanted to have babies with her hot guitarist I was going to need to borrow his brother for sex.

This request is perfectly logical. RLO’s brother looks exactly like Richie Tenenbaum.  The hot guitarist also looks like Richie Tenenbaum so it makes perfect sense that I have babies with RLO’s brother, rather than the guitarist who is on the road too much.

As usual, RLO ignored most of what I said and asked me to play a song for him.  I played “Ah Mary” and quoted the first part of the song to him:

She’s skilled at the art of deception and she knows it
She’s got dirty money that she plays with all the time
She waters the garden but maybe she just likes the hoses
She puts herself just a notch above human kind

Ater listening he said, “So do you like her because she’s a good musician, or because she reads your diary?”

RLO is such a bitch, which explains why I absolutely adore him.

Yesterday RLO and I got in touch with our inner teen and joined Kelli for a showing of “Twilight.” I’m not above seeing a cheesy vampire love flick–ESPECIALLY when I am able to talk RLO into going.  Which, oddly enough, was quite simple to do. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact he’s been reading the book series.

That’s the only explanation for his complete emotional melt down during the movie. Throughout the movie RLO would lean in close to me and ask me to hold him.  Each time Kelli would glare and us and whisper, “I hate you both!”

We thought we were quite clever.  She did not.  I’d feel bad for ruining the movie for her but I was too busy feeling bad for myself that I got stuck sitting in front of complete movie assholes.

Movie assholes are the worst.  Is it really that difficult to keep your feet from kicking the seat in front of you repeatedly?  Guess so.  Instead of turning around and kindly asking them to stop I chose to pout.  When RLO left the movie for a quick trip to the bathroom he turned to me and said, “Sarah can you please not get into a fight while I’m gone?”

I nodded my head.  He should know by now I’m not about to talk shit on someone until I have someone else to save my ass.  Sure I had Kelli there, but she was too busy making weird moaning noises each time Edward Cullen came on screen.

I survived the movie.  My pride, however, did not.

I know I said I wasn’t going to write about RLO all the time, but this post is not a regular RLO post.  Consider it a public service announcement.

RLO is a big, fat cheater who cannot be trusted.

Since RLO fancies himself a biker and I fancy myself shallow we both decided to give up sugar recently. I’ve been diligently skipping all things sugar. Meanwhile RLO has been stuffing his face with treats left and right. First it was a “harmless” sucker. His thought process was that he wasn’t actually eating sugar so much as sucking it. Sucking is cheating too, just ask the Clinton administration.

It gets worse. Much worse. Last night while I was online trying to figure out a math problem I saw that he was also online.  I hadn’t seen him at the gym earlier so I thought he needed me to whine about it.  So I did.  Only I didn’t use my nice words.  There may or may not have been a wiener mention.  A few minutes later he responded, “You just sent that message to Sugar, who is here doing her laundry. She says thanks for the info.”

There are a few problems with this:
1) Why is he doing her laundry and not mine?
2) Why is she on his computer trying to have chat conversations with his beautiful best friend. Lesbian much?
3) Why the hell is he hanging out with her anyway? WE GAVE UP SUGAR!

As you can see, this is the second time in a matter of days that RLO has cheated. He’s evil and cannot be trusted as a friend. He can, however, be trusted to help me find a new couch and carry it upstairs on his own. That should burn off those calories he consumed and hopefully teach him a lesson.

Dear Internet,

I’m divorcing RLO.  You know when parents divorce and tell the kids it’s not their fault?  Well Internet, you’re the children and this divorce is your fault.

After reading all the comments accusing me of being obsessed with RLO I’m suddenly worried I may secretly be in love with him and have no idea. So I’m going to take the easy way out and replace him. If Paris Hilton can find a new BFF so can I.  Not that I’m comparing myself to Paris.  I’ve seen her “porn” and if I had an Internet sex tape I’d have the decency to fake enjoyment.  Don’t viewers deserve that much?

As usual, I digress.

I gave him notice and he was obviously very distraught over the news.  He even tried to worm his way back into my life by telling me he’s already purchased my birthday present.  OF COURSE I WANT IT!  I even tried to guess what it was:

Is it pink?
Is it a sex toy
Is it frozen sperm?
Is it a Book of Mormon?
Is it chocolate cake?
Is it an eye-less horse?
Is it a singing telegram from Kurt Bestor?
Is it vagina greeting cards from Etsy?

I asked him to mail the present because I’m dying to know what he got me.  Aren’t you?  Well too damn bad.

Ha. I win.

Love,
Sarah

RLO is ruining my life and apparently I only have myself to blame.

I recently set him up with one of my co-workers. I know, I know… in my attempt to see RLO happy I completely forgot how this would affect me–which, is pretty surprising given how selfish I am.

Thus far I’ve been pretty patient with the whole thing. I mean yeah, I’m annoyed that he’s sooooo busy dry-humping that he’s not available to go out to dinner with me. But, being the good friend that I am, I’ve dealt with it and probably saved a lot of money as a result. However, with the holiday season fast approaching I’ve got quite the dilemma: RLO has always been my pseudo date for events and parties.

Enter office party.
Enter a dateless Sarah.
Enter the end of my life.

Now that I’ve set them up, I’ve got to break them up before the office Christmas party. I’ve got a few ideas, but since most of them illegal I’m relying on RLO to screw this one up on his own. I know he’ll do the right thing.  The right thing for me, not him.

I’m worried about RLO.  I couldn’t help but notice this on his refrigerator when I stopped by his house:

It seems he’s acting out.  He wasn’t expecting me at his house that day, so he didn’t have time to change the words to something more appropriate like “I worship Sarah.”  I’m giving him a week to change it.  If it’s not changed to a positive Sarah message I’ll force him to tattoo it on his left ass cheek instead.

I was home nursing a cold this weekend, which gave me plenty of time to make out this list:

Everyone needs a shit list notepad. Thanks to Jenny and Dave for the early birthday gift.  I can say, without a doubt, I’ll be using this particular present all the time.

I hate grocery shopping. It’s not so bad when I’m only there to fetch vanilla soy milk and cold cereal, but when I’m forced to find out of the ordinary items and can’t, I lose all patience.  It doesn’t help that I don’t like asking strangers for help.  Thankfully, though, I have RLO on speed dial.

“RLO, I’m at Albertsons. Where is the molasses?”

“Next to the maple syrup.”

“Um, RLO where is the maple syrup?”

I think it would be far less work for him to just do all grocery shopping for me.  Wouldn’t you agree?  He’d argue that he’s far too busy for such tasks.  But since I’m such a charitable person when he’s pressed for time I’ll allow him to take a date along.  I’ll try and remember to leave tampons off the list.