Contact

Although I’ve forbidden it, RLO does have other friends.  Most of which are female.  And if I hadn’t recently promised to stop making him sound so gay on this website I’d point out that the boy has more fag hags than Hollywood.  That doesn’t make him sound gay, right?  That’s what I thought.

Anyway, one of these friends, Sugar, recently took a trip to Chicago for business and met up with an old friend who lives there. The friend was playing with Sugar’s phone and noticed some pictures that RLO had taken.  When Sugar mentioned his name the friend asked if she was talking about Sarah Nielson’s RLO.

Which leave me wondering why strangers on the Internet realizes I own RLO, but he doesn’t.  Clearly I have my work cut out for me.

Being the good friend that she is Kelli thinks she has found a solution for my financial woes.  She has decided I should move to San Diego, go to school there on student loans, and commit to teaching school long enough for the government to pay off the loans.  Not a bad idea, but I think she just wants a scooter buddy.  Which is completely selfish given the fact I’m not near ready for year round swimsuit season.

Since RLO is my closest girlfriend these days, I discussed the idea with him.

“Sarah, you realize kids are shits, right?”

“All people are shits.  I think age is irrelevant. You know this would all be so much easier if you’d a) be my sugar daddy, or b) let me sell your flower to the Internet.”

“Well you’re getting closer to being a born-again virgin. You can sell your own flower.”

“RLO, I think yours would yield a higher profit than a slightly used flower.”

“I just looked born-again virgin up and Urban Dictionary says 6 months. You are good to go. And I think your flower is in higher demand than mine.”

“I’ll sell both flowers and of course take all the profit, but at least you’ll be left with a satisfied wiener.”

He didn’t agree, but he also didn’t veto the idea, which is pretty much a green light.  It wasn’t until later, I realized it was odd RLO knew the exact timing of my last sexual escapade.  Needless to say, I’m going to find that hidden camera tonight and I’m going to give him a show to remember.

Last night I popped RLO’s cherry.  No, not that cherry, you perverts!  RLO has lived in Utah for years and not once has he been to the Training Table Restaurant,  which to me is a far worse sin than any word of wisdom infractions.

I’ve always loved Training Table. Years ago, when Tim was still alive we’d all go there for lunch. AK and I quoting the old school television commercials, while Tim just shook his head embarrassed to be seen with us. After Tim died, it took a while before any of us went back, but eventually we did.

We had to assemble a new lunch group.  We added JB and PMK to the mix, which I realized was a huge mistake when AK and JB fought over the proper way to mix the dipping sauce.  Who knew a fork and/or butter knife could cause such a controversy among nerds.

I was thrilled when RLO mixed the dipping sauce with a fork and didn’t feel the need to discuss his method.  RLO was just thrilled with the food.  So much, in fact, I had to photo shop the above picture to remove his hard nipples.  Internet, you owe me.

Today I regain custody of RLO.  I’m a tad nervous about what condition I’ll find him in.  I swear if he comes back quoting scriptures every time I have another glass of wine I’ll rip that Holy Ghost right out of him.  Then I’ll make the Holy Ghost my new best friend naming him Hank.  Hank, RLO and I will become the new, hip three musketeers.

We’ll ride off into the sunset on white horses.  Wait, did they have horses?  I didn’t read the book and the only thing I remember about the movie was Charlie Sheen.  It was 1993.  I was way too busy trying not to get knocked up in the back of the movie theater to pay much attention to anything on screen.

I have a long list of activities for this week.  Though I haven’t actually shown him the list—he has a much harder time saying no to me in person.  It’s because I bat my beautiful, long lashes while threatening to give Daisy to him.  He has a hard time saying no at that point.  He’d do anything to stay away from my dog, even driving me to Utah County to play mini-golf at Liberty Land.

Yes, I will take pictures.  You’re welcome.

For this week’s column click here, where I talk about going to the Utah State Fair.  I’m still pretty pissed that RLO wouldn’t let me feed a hamburger to a cow.  Something about cattle not understanding irony.  He’s always ruining my fun, that boy.  To see more pictures of the fair go here.

RLO’s family is ruining my life.  Yes, I see how that may sound excessively paranoid especially given that I’ve never even met them, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

His family is in SLC visiting this week, which means he has no time for me.  This happens every time they are in town.  I lose my best friend for days at a time. The worst was when his sister got married. Did she even ask my permission to get married on my birthday last year?  NO!  She’s obviously very selfish.  After the appropriate amount of guilt I forgave him, after all it’s not his fault his family is so inconsiderate.

This year not only are they in town stealing my BFF, but they are taking him away to a remote cabin in the forest.  This is where I draw the line.  How do I know they will take proper care of him?  Do they know RLO requires a certain amount of teasing to survive?  Do they know he must east at the pub at least once a week?  Do they have Diet Coke at this cabin?  Or a TV so he can stay caught up on “The Hills?”

I have a feeling they are going to fill his head with a bunch of “family first” nonsense that will likely take me months of brainwashing to correct.

And the worst part?  He didn’t even ask me if he could go.

RLO and his family, are obviously, fired.

I’m trying to be Christian about it, you know that whole “What Would Jesus Do” attitude.  But I’m pretty sure Jesus would kick their asses and take RLO back at any cost.  Isn’t that what salvation is all about?

“Sarah, what are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why are you scrunching down in your chair like that?”

“Well if you must know, I used to date that guy that just walked in and I don’t want him to see me.”

“You did not, liar.”

“I did.”

“No way.  That guy is old, fat and balding.”

“That’s exactly why I don’t want him to see me.  I aged so much better than he did, I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”

“You really are a bitch, you know that right?”

“Yup, I know.”

Last night I went over to Mrs. AK’s house for a much needed BFF night.  It’s been a tough week.  School is kicking my ass, and a comment from a co-worker really got under my skin and pissed me off.

Needless to say, I needed my BFFs and a nice glass of wine.

Little AK was ecstatic to see me, and I was just as happy to see her.  I’ve been too busy for BFF night, and man have I missed my second family.

After hugging me for a good five minutes Little AK requested we play in the other room.  “Honey let me have a glass of wine first.  It makes me soooo much more fun to play with.”  She nodded understandably and followed me into the kitchen.

Thirty minutes of bossing RLO around and catching up with Mrs. AK, I turned around to find Little AK pointing her finger at my glass, “Sarah drink your wine right this very second.”  And you know what?  I did just that.  I think it’s important to let kids think that they are in charge on occasion.  So for good measure I drank two.

Last night I wasn’t able to meet with Trainer Tracey so I asked RLO to work out with me instead.  He’s always trying to murder me so I figured he was the perfect choice.

He wasn’t.

Walking from the parking lot to the building I saw RLO standing outside waiting for me.  I promptly turned around and shook my ass at him.  I wanted to make sure he saw that I was wearing my favorite sweats.  As I got closer I turned around and shook it for the second time yelling, “Want some of this big boy?”

He didn’t reply.  Which is odd because RLO always has the perfect smart-ass comment for moments like this. And then I realized it wasn’t actually RLO, but a teenager who had the same build and the same floppy brown hair.

Luckily I wasn’t arrested.

When I walked inside I found RLO flirting with the teenager working at the desk.  I can’t help but worry we’re coming across as the Bonnie and Clyde of statutory rape.  We headed into the gym worked out together and didn’t make eye contact with anyone the remainder of the night.  Just in case.

Last night RLO and I went to dinner and then to see Hamlet 2.  When we got to the theater there was a long line of people filing into Man on Wire.  I’m extremely lucky he still went to the movie I wanted to see, because he’s been wanting to see the other movie since I failed to get tickets for it at last year’s Sundance Film Festival.

I think it’s safe to say he enjoyed the movie, because not once on the way home did he ask me to stop singing the lyrics to “Rock Me Sexy Jesus” at the top of my lungs.  I’m sure he’s hoping I will replace my Baby Jesus obsession with Sexy Jesus, to which I say there’s never enough Jesus–proving I have the ability to obsess over both.

Although he did ask about the guest blog post.  In fact, now that I think about it that could have been his polite way of shutting me the fuck up.

RLO: “Any ideas who this guys is?”

Sarah: “My readers think you’re Trollpop.  A few emailed me about it, and a couple left comments about it.”

RLO: “I’m very disappointed in the Internet right now.”

Sarah: ” I know, but they don’t understand you’re way too lazy to start a blog.  I couldn’t even get you to post to the Twitter account I made you.”