Thanks!
My entire weekend can be summed up in the below two pictures.
A lecture:
From my fake gays:
Seriously, that was my weekend. Throw in a couple bottles of wine, a raging heat-induced headache and that’s it folks.
My timing is impeccable, as usual. After I submitted my last column about suffering through the Twilight Concert Series at the Gallivan, the advertising manager for the newspaper asked if I would sit at our sponsored booth there. He hadn’t yet read my column. Obviously. I agreed but took RLO along as a buffer, just in case.
The concert was much more enjoyable in the safety of a booth with chairs and free wine. It was also nice to meet some of our readers and see my friend Michael.
After the concert RLO and I headed over to Liberty Park for the firework display. Crossing the busy street, I was just about to stupidly walk into oncoming traffic when RLO grabbed my arm and stopped me. What he should have done is pushed me further into the street.
After all the grief I give that boy online (and offline) he had every right to push me in front of that speeding car. But I’m sure glad he didn’t.
After my heart slowed down I remembered a comment he said to me last week, “Sarah, given the choice I’d rather have you alive than dead.” At the time I laughed and told him it was the best compliment I’d ever received. Now I know it wasn’t meant as a compliment, it was a true statement. Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend… RLO is.
To read this week’s column click here. I don’t have much to say about it besides bitching about RLO’s friend CALLING HIM SUGAR! I liked her and all, but seriously! Clearly she is unaware that he is my back-up plan, not hers.
If we’re single at fifty we’re going to marry, and make out on the street. Of course by then my womb will have long since given up, so we’ll adopt children to serve us from a third world country and be the new Brangelina. Only less hot, and way, way older.
RLO met the new guy I’m dating last night. The guy that I’ve promised not to liken to a troll doll on the Internet anymore. Oops, I did it again. OK, starting NOW I’m not going to liken him to a troll doll on this website. That one doesn’t count. Right?
Anyway. The point. I have one.
RLO and the non-troll doll guy met for the first time last night. Today RLO mentioned that the new guy was cool. RLO’s opinion means so much to me that I mentioned it to the new guy.
Him: “So RLO liked me, eh?”
Me: “He did.”
Him: “Is that just because he thinks that I’m easily manipulated and that I’ll be sharing his workload. The workload being you of course.”
Me: “I’m not work. I’m a hobby.”
Him: “I like that. You’re going to be my new favorite hobby.”
This is where the conversation should have ended, but nooooo. He felt that it was important to share with me an imaginary conversation.
“So what do you do with your spare time?”
“Oh, I listen to music nobody’s ever heard of, work on my motorcycle, and a dabble a bit in Sarah?”
“Sarah? I could never figure that one out–too complicated. Had to drop that hobby the moment I picked it up.”
“Yeah, I hear you. But it’s supposed to have its payoffs–I just haven’t figured them out yet…”
I laughed and decided to keep him. For now. But the minute this turns sour I’m totally blaming RLO.
RLO and I watch Project Runway with AK and Mrs. AK every season. RLO likes to show off his knowledge of the designers and make us feel stupid for not remembering every single detail. I like to drink wine and make fun of RLO for being so involved.
This Wednesday the new season begins. I cannot wait. This season is going to be the best yet. Why you ask? Because our friend Keith made the cut! I don’t know who is more excited me or RLO.
Let’s get Filthy!
Every once in a blue moon RLO tries to prove to me he is straight. His latest effort deserves a gold star! When he called to tell me he was on his way to pick me up for dinner I wasn’t exactly expecting this:
Biker RLO is far less kind than regular RLO. He didn’t even offer me his helmet until half way through the ride, proving he’s trying to kill me. Oh I totally deserve it, but still…
Rlo, being the good BFF he is, came over to fix my bike today. I left it out all winter and it needed a lot of tender loving care that only Rlo has the patience for.
Daisy was outside with us, and she started chasing her tail as she often does when she’s excited about something. Rlo takes one look at her and asks, “Sometime you’re going to have to explain the appeal of being a dog owner. I don’t get it.” Now let me just say that Rlo doesn’t hate all dogs, he just hates Daisy. He’s obviously a horrible person.
I thought about it for a second and came up with the perfect comparison. “Daisy for me is like Jesus for you. You don’t understand why I care so much about Daisy, and I sure as hell don’t understand why you care so much about Jesus.”
Rlo shook his head in agreement, and said, “Yeah, at times both keep us from doing things we really want to do. We always have to stop and think about the consequences.”
“Yup,” I say. “Daisy and Jesus are practically the same thing.”
Maddie and I went to see “Sex and the City” for a second time over the weekend at Brewvies. Of course we stopped by the sex store afterward. Of course we picked up a present for Rlo. Of course I forgot to take said present out of my bag. And finally, of course, I pulled it out of my bag in the middle of math class while rooting around for a pencil.
Luckily it was just this:
But still, slightly embarrassing.
Last night was BFF night at the AK household. After dinner Rlo and I put Little AK to bed. When the story was finished Rlo went back downstairs. I continued to lie next her for a few more minutes.
While rubbing my back Little AK asked, “Sarah, will you come back and play tomorrow?” “I don’t know sweetie. Keep rubbing my back while I decide.” She continued to rub and asked, “Can Rlo come too? It’s Fathers Day tomorrow… is Rlo a father?” “No, Rlo is our BFF, but he’s not a daddy,” I replied. I could see the confusion in her little eyes when she said, “But Sarah, you always say that Rlo has a Baby Jesus.”
I stifled a giggle and tried to answer her as best I could, “Rlo does have a Baby Jesus, but he’s not a real person.” She looked even more confused than before, and knowing that I’ve done enough damage with the Jesus factor lately, so I wasn’t about to try and clarify. “Honey, I’m going to give you a big hug and kiss, and then go get Rlo so he explain.”
And that’s exactly what I did. Rlo cleans up all my other life messes; why not let him take on this one?
Me: Why is there a bunch of bike blogs linking to me? Did you have something to do with this?
Rlo: It’s a grass roots movement. They all want their balls less than one layer away from you at all times.
Me: Um….
Rlo: They have a non-profit too, “Balls without Boundaries.” You should totally donate. It’s a worthy cause
Me: What are my donations used for?
Rlo: Half goes to designing more breathable pants and underwear. The other half goes towards developing more ball friendly razors.
Me: Hold please. I need to barf before we continue.