Contact

Last night while letting Daisy out, I decided to give her a quick walk up the street. It was dark so I thought no one would see me, and started doing lunges as I walked her. (I’m trying desperately to tighten my junk in the trunk.)

Five minutes later I heard something behind me and turned to see the neighbor’s hot son. Great.

It might not have been so bad if I wasn’t wearing a wife beater tank top, an ex-boyfriend’s ratty boxers and mismatched flip-flops. At times like this I’m amazed I ever get dates.

no, this is not a lesbian post. sorry, boys.

i made the trek to utah county today to see midge and milinda, and their respective male company, or children as others keep calling them. it’s nice that my girlfriends live within five minutes of one another, i just with it were somewhere in the salt lake valley.

milinda and i met for lunch at chadders, the american fork knockoff of in-n-out burger. it was a sad affair. the food sucked and it took way to long for sucky food. it tasted nothing like in-n-out, but did look like a very cheap knockoff. what a complete and total waste of six bucks.

midge and i went for iced tea and dessert at some sandwich place by her house. when i asked if they had iced coffee the clerk just looked at me with the stepford wives blank stare. do people really not know what iced coffee is? come on.

the point of this post is not to bitch about utah county eating establishments, but to bitch about my friends–that’s right. two of my best girls let me wander around IN PUBLIC with the tag still on my pants! it’s one think to overlook the tag out of pure excitement to wear cute new pink summery pants, but how i didn’t feel the tag rubbing on my butt is beyond me.

After listing reasons why I’ve stayed home the last few Fridays, I’m amazed I still have friends:

1-I can’t go out, I’m too scared of Hannibal Lecter to leave the house tonight.
2-I have burrito belly and can’t go anywhere beyond the couch.
3-I have to stay home and delete duplicate songs from my itunes.

Oddly enough, they were all 100% true.

ben and i have been wanting to join the ‘big brothers big sisters’ program. well honestly, ben has been wanting to join and i’m joining so he doesn’t have to do it alone. it’s much like the time i took a hunters safety class with him, only this time i’m actually interested.

i have a friend works for the organization so i sent her the following email:
So my younger brother and I have been talking about doing this for a while and need to be a little more pro-active. We want to be brothers and sisters to someone other than each other. Do you have a contact that would be good to work with?

this was her reply:
I’m not entirely sure what you’re looking for. Are you asking me and my brother to swing? Do you need an attorney? Or a therapist?

after i laughed so hard i nearly peed, i realized i shouldn’t expect people to read my mind.

i have a new aunt; my uncle cabbage patch got married a few weeks ago. i’m thrilled for him, but mostly i’m thrilled for myself. this means she has 31 years of auntship to make up for! that’s a lot of birthday cards and cake. ben said i’m not allowed to request 31 birthday presents, but thinks the cards and cake are perfectly acceptable.

my pal marky’s best friend’s father passed away yesterday. rather than being the sensitive person my mother raised me to be, i was the idiot i’ve turned out to be.

mark: what’s up?
sarah: it’s hotter then hell in my apartment right now.
mark: i set up my little ac thing.
sarah: so hot i want to die right now!
….silence….

shit. shit. shit. i’m the worst friend ever.

i’m an upstairs neighbor. i try really hard to be conscience of this, and keep the tap dancing with circus midgets to a minimum.

last night i saw my downstairs neighbor when i was out with daisy. i asked her if she hears any weird noises from my apartment at night. she looks at me sorta wide-eyed and just nods her head no. i replied, “cool” and walked back upstairs. i figured she was just embarrased i caught her sneaking a smoke and didn’t think anything of her somewhat odd response.

it didn’t dawn on me until a couple hours later she probably didn’t think think i was talking about my noisy elliptical machine, but something more along the lines of virgin sacrifices or crazy sex.

i think it’s best to just avoid her for a few days. i have a feeling if i try and explain it’s only going to get worse. sigh…

Last month I told Ben I’d kill for a Volvo. Somehow the gods of fate got this confused and thought I said I wanted to be killed by a Volvo. Easy mistake.

On my way home from the country today I encountered a nasty accident on the freeway. One of those large trucks transporting cars rolled. I’m not sure how it happened, i was too busy singing along to the radio to notice that part. Wrecked cars were everywhere, but luckily I was able to avoid being hit by a speeding blue Volvo.

When everyone started getting out of their cars I called Ben. I was busy recounting the story to him when a man motioned for me to get out of my car–I hung up and got out. “Hey, I saw you on the phone, how long until the police arrive?” “Umm, I didn’t call 911. I called my brother. Dispatch operators hear this stuff all the time, and I thought he would be more impressed by the story.” He glared and me and walked away without saying a word.  Really, it’s no wonder people hate me.

this is how i spent my afternoon with marky: while on the couch in our sugar-induced coma i told him to check out fiddley.com. i’ve been thinking about taking the time to design a real website rather than this blogger template crap, and really like his.

marky: “how do you spell it?”
me: “f-i-d-d-l-e-y.”
marky: “f-i- what?”
me: “dd, as in tits, l-e-y.”

i’m obsessed with grilling tofu hot dogs on my balcony, but don’t own a grill. so marky and i headed down to the gateway to hit the sporting goods store there. when we were nearing the store i very loudly exclaimed, “so, big dicks?” marky turned and gave me the look. i know this look very well, it’s the “do you realize what the hell you just said” look. it’s not just marky that gives me the look–it’s everyone.

i, of course, had no idea what the big deal was. so what if i accidentally combined big 5 sporting goods and dick’s sporting goods… it happens.