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Dear Google,

While everyone is freaking out over your new privacy settings that go into effect today, I’m sitting back mildly amused. I work in advertising so, for me, the more targeting information the better I am at my job. I say, bring it!

That said, I do still have an issue with you. Let’s talk about your Groupon style program, Google Offers, shall we? With your advanced targeting capabilities and data collection you should have the ability to stop sending me such crap offers. Here’s the info you have on me:

From this it’s safe to assume I wouldn’t be interested in, well, ANY of the offers you’ve sent me. Let’s go through them one by one.

A meat offer? Really? When I’m in my gmail account you serve me ads pertaining to vegan and vegetarian lifestyles, which are relevant. Meat offers notsomuch. I do appreciate that the meat is all natural, but it’s still animal flesh. Yuck.

A couples getaway AND a couples massage? Google, you know I’m single. Do you really need to rub it in my face? Jackass.

And my favorite… gun offers. Oh Google, you’re so silly. I don’t own firearms, want to own firearms or need to own firearms. So firearm training? Not really my thing.

If I could go ahead and personally order my Google Offers here’s what I would be interested in:

• A couples massage WITH Anderson Cooper
• A couples getaway WITH Bon Jovi
• Wine, chocolate and/or coffee savings to enjoy while naked in bed with Anderson Cooper and/or Bon Jovi
• Dog kennel savings – I’m certainly not interested in taking Asshole Puppy on my lovecation with Anderson Cooper or Bon Jovi. That whore dog will steal all my snuggle time.

I think that provides you with sufficient information to suck me into your savings ploy.

Love,
Sarah

Remember that huge line at the Apple store for the new iPhones? Remember me bitching about it on Twitter?

Well what you don’t remember is me telling you how I got my sexy new phone. I explain and apologize in this week’s “That’s What She Said.”

I’m THIS close to punching myself in the face. Why? This and because I know what E3 Expo is.

Help.

I’m offically addicted to the Words with Friends app on iPhone. I spent an entire evening eating peanut butter straight from the jar while playing the game with friends. I had pants on AND used a spoon, so it’s not yet pathetic. Give me time.

At first I wasn’t sure I would like the game. It wouldn’t let me play the word clit, which is completely stupid. Sure it’s slang, but it’s still a real word; I checked both a hard copy and online dictionary.

I was, however, allowed to use profanity, and it was worth a whopping 40 points!

As soon as I beat Jen in this game, I’m going to write an email to the game developers and school them on female sexual organs. Without a collectors edition of a vagina action figure, it’s easy to understand why they would miss that.

“Sarah, I have good and bad news about your computer issue.”

“What’s the good news?”

“I was easily able to log into the account you weren’t able to access.”

“So I’m stupid?”

“Well, you see, that’s the bad news.”

And I am one of those suckers.

Yesterday was the Christmas for nerds. My office nerds stayed close to their desks the entire day. Not only because they had to watch every moment of the Apple World Wide Developers Conference, but also because they needed to hide their raging boners under their desks.

I wish I were kidding. My nerds LOVE new Apple products.

I didn’t watch the conference online with them because I don’t live in my mother’s basement and I don’t play Dungeons & Dragons. Though I was interested in the new products released because, really, who isn’t?  Luckily I was just able to get the nerd recap.

“Did they talk about the new iPhone?”

“Yes.”

“Does it look any different?”

“No, Sarah, but it has a 3 megapixel camera that can tap to focus. It has video now. And you can even on the phone. Plus voice control and a much better battery life. It’s amazing.”

“Ugg… now I need a new iPhone and it’s not even different!”

Curse you Apple! I am convinced I need a new phone, which I don’t. And it doesn’t even come in pink or with a glitter option. Ridiculous. Every new product should come with the promises of glitter.

While I was in D.C. over spring break I spent an afternoon at the Newseum. Total news boner! However, I was a little peeved they didn’t really discuss blogging as a news medium, but then I saw this:

Twitter!! All it takes is one technology boner and everything is instantly forgiven. Well that and seeing this:

Is Jesus being a stoner news? I didn’t read a lot of Bible stories so I’m not positive, but that long unwashed hippie hair sort of gives it away.

I have officially turned into a cat lady, except I don’t have cats. Instead I have a dog with a Twitter account. Yup, Daisy is online.

She’s a naughty little puggy with far too much free time. If you’re on Twitter follow her. If you’re not on Twitter I promise you that it’s worth signing up for. Where else are you going to hear about a pug violating a Bill Clinton doll?

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS NAUGHTY.

Now let’s pray she doesn’t write about all that farting she does.

Am I the only one who thinks tween speak is the most annoying thing ever? I hate acronym speak and I don’t like my words abbreviated. While I caved for a moment, I don’t care how cute your wet kitten is I’m still going to hate the “lolcats” phenomenon.

I wish it ended there, but when I logged into Flickr yesterday I saw this:

Flickr, why have you forsaken me? I don’t want to learn lolspeak. I want to avoid it at all cost!

And then I logged into the website for my new media class and found that part of my assignment was to use emoticons in my paper. I give up. Tween speak is taking over not just the Internet, but the world.

P.S. Because there was so much concern over my pajamas in the comments and emails yesterday, here is a picture of them:

SEE, sometimes I do wear pants at home. The rules of my apartment clearly state they must be comfy, pink and covered in pugs.

I downloaded a new application for my iPhone yesterday. Vlingo is a free service that enables voice activated web searches. I’m not a patient person, so while it downloaded on my phone I tested it out on a co-worker’s phone.

Because I’m a narcissist I searched my own name, but because I mumble at times my results didn’t exactly reflect Sarah Nielson. Instead I ended up with this search:

Now I know that “but” and “butt” are different words, but I’m just a tad sensitive about butts lately. Those damn holidays are directly responsible for my jeans not fitting as they should. When I gain any weight it goes straight to my ass. How an iPhone knew that is beyond me. Smart phones indeed.