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This week’s “That’s What She Said.” Someday I’ll stop having imaginary conversations with famous people. Today is not that day.

Read this week’s column to hear about my beef with Google.

Read this week’s “That’s What She Said” to hear about my adventures in lawn care.

RELATED: I need a damn manservant. I cannot offer pay, medical or dental, but I will supply cheap wine.

This week’s column for In Utah This Week talks about my experiences with hiding the evidence of a hot date from my mother and the world.

AND…

If that’s not enough, you can read my post on Aiming Low where I explain the best way to lose male friends and fatten your hooha.

I can’t wait to see if this week’s column offends hippies. I suspect they are easier going than the truck driving community, but these things are hard to predict.

DAMMIT.

I should have asked the tarot reader about this. Maybe she can still email me a list of all future offenses. That would make life sooooo much easier… you know because then I’d have a publishing schedule.

I’ve been sorta scarce this week. I’ve just been soooooo busy pissing off truck drivers and in turn trying not to let them piss me off.

Actually that’s not true… I don’t mind hateful comments when they are clever and this week’s column sparked a little humor alongside the hate. One ill-intended comment and half a dozen emails later I’m quickly realizing the majority of truckers want to run me over and use me as a mudflap.

Seems like I can’t write anything without pissing someone off. This week: truck drivers, next week: wet kittens. Hopefully the kittens have a better sense off humor.

I’m sort of slacking on this whole blogging thing. I have some dating quips to share and ANOTHER humiliating story. I’ll get to those just as soon as I find my way out of this bottle of Shiraz.

I promise.

Look at me making promises I may or may not keep.

Until then, you can read this week’s “That’s What She Said” for In Utah This Week. You can also check out what I’ve been doing over at Aiming Low here and  here.

My column for In Utah This Week is about my mission to rid the world of smoking. Yeah, yeah… I’m THAT asshole, which shouldn’t be all that surprising.

This week’s “That’s What She Said” for In Utah This Week is a country weekend lifesaver.

I know, I know… ANOTHER column about the country. Tough shit. Just read it already.

I had my first polygamy date last weekend. I know what you’re thinking… I live in Utah why have I waited so long?

It was sort of forced on me, just like that entire box of vegan fake Oreo cookies I had for lunch.

Summer and I were minding our own business at the gym Saturday afternoon when her trainer boyfriend came over to say hello. I suspect his hello isn’t so much a greeting as it is a form check. I think that’s what it’s called when you’re lifting weights. I don’t speak trainer. I speak profanity.

The two lovebirds started planning their Saturday night date and before I knew it, I was part of the plan.

“Summer, polygamy is sooooo not my thing.”

“The only time I see you is at the gym and Trainer Boyfriend never gets to see you.”

“Well I can see how that’s sort of problematic. I’d miss me too.”

“Sarah, you guys can talk about the country and stuff.”

The girl knows how to manipulate me. I love country talking with fellow country kids.

Saturday night came and went. We had a lovely threesome, err, night out. It was just like how I imagine polygamy to be.. we drank lots of wine, watched a movie about a washed up country singer–ahem.. my column— and I didn’t even have to drive. It was a dream come true.

I could really get into polygamy. Who doesn’t want a husband AND a wife. Best of both worlds, right?

My excitement didn’t last long.

Monday when I met Summer at the gym for our arm workout, she explained the new leg routine Trainer Boyfriend had planned for us later. Just hearing about the workout made me want to punch wet kittens. Trainer Boyfriend is a jerk. I’m never going to polygamy date him again–no matter how hot his girlfriend is.