Stop coming to work. Sleeping sounds so much better.
Don’t let The Kid delete things without creating a backup.
Thanks!
I am a woman obsessed. I’ve been stalking small children on the street, girl children to be specific. I need Girl Scout cookies! I no longer work for a company where parents peddle cookies for their children. I’m thinking about quiting my current job and searching for one with sugar benefits.
The Yuppie works for a company with sugar benefits. He scored me two boxes of my very favorite cookies: Samoas. (I think I ate my weight in Thin Mints a few years ago so I had to find a new favorite.) This was very sweet of him… mmm… sweet like cookies, but I probably won’t see him until Friday. My sweet tooth will not wait patiently until Friday. So, I decided to stalk every grocery store in a 10 mile radius of my house. Finally, today, I found a grocery store with small girl children and cookie boxes. Yay! While I stood in line waiting for my turn, I calculated how many boxes I could justify without having to make an extra trip to the gym.
Then something tragic happened… they were out of Samoas! I panicked and asked for anything chocolate. Nadda. All they had left was some sort of shortbread bullshit. Trying to avoid a string of expletives in front of the children I bit my lip. It bled. And let me tell you, blood tastes nothing like the perfection of vanilla cookies coated in caramel, sprinkled with toasted coconut and laced with chocolate strips. Nothing!
1) Just because it tastes good in a restaurant doesn’t necessarily mean it will taste good at home unless you actually know how to cook. I don’t.
2) Reusable grocery bags are useless when left in the car. They are however, handy for helping to carry groceries inside the house.
3) Childless grown men milling around the Easter Bunny at the mall are just plain creepy. Avoid at all costs, or get their phone number for Maddie.
Things in today’s news I don’t care about:
American Idol contestant previous life as a stripper
If the movie “Juno” has taught us anything previous strippers are like totally talented. Besides, I hate this show. As much as Sabby wants me to watch it and like it, I won’t. Ever.
Brett Favre retires from NFL
Who, what? Huh?
Eddie Van Halen has medical tests
It’s a miracle the dude is still alive anyway. Let me know what it’s a good aging rock star, then I’ll care.
Things in today’s news I do care about:
Paris Hilton gives away diamonds on street
As always I have a love/hate relationship with Paris. Either way I’d accept diamonds from her. In the street or in bed. I’m not picky when it comes to jewels.
Avalanche on Mars
I care because it’s a given at some point AK will want to discuss and I’ve found it’s so much easier to take part in the conversation rather than picturing in my mind different ways to sneak out of the room without anyone noticing. Dude has a planet fetish. Once again proving it’s a miracle he ever scored a babe like Mrs. AK.
Drunk Three Year Old
Yeah, that sucks. Why waste liquor on a kid that can’t even appreciate it? Send it to me. I’ll appreciate it enough to send them a lovely thank you card in the mail.
I think it’s time to re-evaluate what I feel is important.
I found my Victoria’s Secret swimsuit catalog on the ground in the snow, rather than in my locked mailbox. I suspect my postal carrier is just as disgusted about delivering this particular seasonal catalog in a snowstorm, as I am about receiving it. I think it’s safe to assume my postal carrier is a woman.
Dear Self,
Why do you continuously make such bad judgement calls?
Last night was the night to get a lot of sleep in order to rally and assume rockstardom tonight. Instead you chose to drink too much and get home at 4 am. Not your best move. How are you supposed to not only function today, but be able to party all night? Exactly. You’re not 21 anymore, you are 32 years old. You should keep that in mind.
Might I suggest some Advil, a B12 vitamin and lots and lots of water. Pull yourself together. People are counting on you.
Love, Sarah
My dental hygienist is a lesbian. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but just moments before I disovered her love of women she was telling me she couldn’t decide what her to buy her husband for Christmas.
After she finished cleaning my teeth, she stepped into the hallway and started talking to someone. “Oh my god she is cute, and looks great in pink! With those lashes she is simply beautiful.” At this point I was certain they weren’t talking about me, since I’m in black today– although I’ve been told by quite a few men I’ve dated that my eyelashes are pretty spectacular.
My dentist finished up and as I walked out saw the hygienist holding a baby bundled in pink. I’ll admit I was slightly relieved. The last thing anyone needs to get for Christmas is divorce papers.
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