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reasons why i might be considered white trash:

1. i had stripper-white hair for one week.
2. i own a shot glass collection.
3. i like drinking two buck chuck.
4. my fridge contains pre-made jello cups.
5. i gas up at maverick.
6. my dinner plates are plastic.
7. i don’t own matching wine glasses.
8. i own camouflage.
9. i grew up in a town of 300.
10. i love gas station hot dogs.

let me explain…

1. made a very poor choice in getting my hair colored, but am now back to my natural dirty blond.
2. i’ve never purchased a shot glass–ak started bringing them home to me from each of his business trips years ago.
3. it’s good and cheap, shut up!
4. i don’t like to cook, and jello counts as cooking.
5. it has the best people watching. and hot dogs.
6. target has cute summer dishes.
7. i’m a clutz and broke all my pretty ones last year.
8. shoes don’t count.
9. not my choice.
10. see number five.

i’m taking advantage of today’s sunshine by doing laundry without dying. i should explain…i live in an old victorian home that’s been converted into apartments. the only laundry facility is in the creepy basement–i’m talking silence of the lambs creepy. i always end up doing my laundry at night, each time imagining my own death.

while i was down there, i could hear my neighbor singing very off-key to what i assume was the tabernacle choir, it is conference weekend, after all. i started laughing but quickly stopped when i remembered i had just caught myself dancing to the hip-hop abs workout infomercial.

i’m a huge fan of public radio. i look forward to this american life and the diane rehm show, but thanks to the folks over at kcpw for giving me a new favorite: fair game. if you aren’t a listener you should be. the host’s name is faith salie and is fabulous for so many reasons–she’s girly, smart, her website has pink on it and she did a stint on sex in the city and, um, star trek: deep space nine, but no judgement.

i can’t stop smelling my armpits. it smells like fresh baked cookies under there. i bought new vanilla chai deodorant a few days ago, and man i smell good. it’s so awkward when you want to eat your own armpits.

i was with a friend and he mentioned something smelled good. when i told him it was my pits and asked if he wanted to smell he nearly threw me out of the car. you would think he’d be happy i smelled so lovely, but no…

a friend of mine was rubbing it in telling me his intentions to purchase the new apple tv. discounting his ipod this will be his first apple purchase. i warned him it’s like crack, but prettier. seriously, you can’t quit. i own three ipods, an ibook and have an apple wish list longer than anna nicole smith’s drug list.

picture it…

i’m in a one-on-one appointment with someone i admire, and look up to a great deal, when my phone starts ringing. i quickly try to silence it, but instead accidentally answer it and place it back into my bag. i continue on with my conversation until i hear a man yelling from inside my handbag. i realize my mistake, terminate the call, blush and move on. if my ring tone wasn’t aqua’s “barbie girl” song, it may have lessened the humiliation factor.

i’ve GOT to start remembering to put my phone on vibrate, of all people you’d think i’d have that mastered.

i want to thank everyone who emailed me after reading thursday’s column. from the huge response it sounds like i’m not the only one in the city with a broken heart. thanks for sharing and trusting me with your own breakup stories–it really means a lot to me.

when i’m depressed i let my dog sleep on my bed.
i can’t break the diet coke habit, no matter how hard i try. sometimes i drink one with a vitamin and consider it breakfast.
i think my legs are too fat.
i have a weakness for shoes, they live in a giant pile at the bottom of my closet. i always say i’m going to get a shoe organizer, but i never do.
i like to be earth friendly, but i use paper bowls sometimes because i hate doing dishes.
i do yoga almost every day and count it as exercise.
i stress out every single day over what to wear.
i hate most of my clothing and wish i had a better sense of fashion.
i hate that kate spade discourages light pink because it’s cute and she hates cute.
i like to make fun of things, but hate being called judgemental.
i’m nervous to sleep with new people.
if i could, i’d wear my pink ‘roos every single day, even with dresses.
i hate my hair, but am afraid if i cut it shorter or change the color i won’t be pretty.
sometimes i look in the mirror and think i’m pretty, other times i think i’m too ugly to leave the house.
whatever i wear to bed has to match, even though no one is going to see me.
i’m addicted to lip balm.
i make lists for everything, but usually forget them.
i think god and my mother are confused about the year i was born. i certainly don’t feel 31.

that’s right, i’m totally and madly in love with my new phone. remember when i said i’d never own a blackberry? i lied. it’s just like tivo, i can’t imagine life without it.

the pearl is just as pretty as i had hoped, not to mention it does everything. if there were a legal way to marry it i would! it’s the best gadget i’ve ever owned, beating the eager beaver back massager i got as a birthday gift a couple years ago. it slept on the pillow next to mine last night–we’re deep into a relationship, so i felt it only appropriate. truthfully, i like it better than a lot of men who’ve ended up sleeping on that pillow.

i’m sure i’ll receive a call from my mother asking how i expect to snag a husband when i announce in public forum that i’d rather marry my phone.