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I need a prescription for Xanax if I’m EVER going to enter the downtown post office again. It’s like a damn daycare in that place.

The woman in line behind me had four kids with her under the age of five. OH MY GOD! My vagina just hurts thinking about that. I have nothing against children; I just like them clean and well behaved. I’ve been around enough children to know they can be loud and rambunctious, but these kids were neither of those things. These kids were of the devil.

Most parents that I know like their children to be tolerable in public. This mom wasn’t trying to keep her kids quiet; she was encouraging them to be loud by conducting spelling lessons as we waited in line LOUDLY, and in a horrible singsong, high-pitched voice.

“That’s a garbage can. Can you say icky germs?”

“ICKY GERMS!”

“What letters do you see on it?”

“W-A-S-T-E!”

“Do you know what that spells?”

“Recycle.”

Normally the recycle part would have been adorable, but the decibel and crusty snot level made it far from adorable… miserable even. It’s obvious that if I ever have children I’ll have to hire someone else to raise them. I can’t deal with turning into the woman who sings alphabet songs loudly in public.

You know how some say that deaths always happen in three? They could… I really have no idea; I’ve never experienced that. Instead my life is all about things breaking in threes.

1)    The edges of my beloved MacBook are peeling off. It’s just cosmetic damage so not a complete tragedy, but it leaves sharp edges where my wrists rest which leaves me looking like a failed suicidal maniac. Awesome.

2)    If you read my Twitter you’re aware that my scooter battery is dead. Which wouldn’t be so horrific, but my driving test was scheduled for today. I love my little scooter, but have had nothing but problems with it. I guess that’s what I get for buying a cheap scooter off the Internet. Double awesome.

3)    And lastly, my microwave broke. I’m amazed the thing lasted this long. I should have ditched it years ago but it’s tiny and fits in my little kitchen. It may just be the first microwave ever! It used to live in my grandparents motor home… in the 80s. Now I have to try and find a small, inexpensive one that fits my midget kitchen. Triple awesome.

It could be much worse, I know. And those worse things? I’ll expect them tomorrow. Yay life.

You’ll have to excuse the fuzzy iPhone photo, but I was dying to share. My camera is in my car and I didn’t want to put pants on just to retrieve it.

Speaking of wearing pants, I wrote on Twitter last week that I was wearing pants and to please send prizes. I wasn’t serious, but the lovely Bellacantare sent a prize anyway. Thanks to her I may wear pants more often!

From yesterday’s snowstorm:

I’m pretending it’s cocaine because anything else is just too depressing.

This is the only time I will post a picture of a penis on my blog. What am I doing? I can’t promise something like that. Let me rephrase: this is the only time TODAY I will post a picture of a penis on my blog.

While in D.C. I visited a lot of museums, one of my favorites was the Hirshhorn Museum. Modern and contemporary art is far more interesting to me than portraits of dead guys.

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THIS:

This sculpture was part of the “Strange Bodies” exhibit. The seven-feet-tall piece sits alone in a corner and is absolutely incredible. It’s so lifelike that I kept expecting him stand up and scream at me for calling his junk small.

Needles make me queasy. I detest shots and giving blood is completely out of the question. That’s what the rest of you suckers are for. I’ll buy my own juice and cookies, thanks. I don’t need to see a blood bag hanging off my body. EW!

But, Botox?

Botox is totally worth shoving needles in my forehead. Don’t fret; I’m not the one shoving the needles into my head. My girl Laurie over at the Mountain Medical Medispa does that for me.

I tried Botox once last summer and ended up with a bruised forehead, but under the bruises it was so pretty and smooth. This time I decided to try a different clinic. After the kick ass microdermabrasion I decided to see if they could make me pretty. I was VERY pleased with results. There wasn’t a single bruise! I nearly kissed Laurie on the mouth I was so happy. And she didn’t just send me on my way, THEY FOLLOWED UP! I was thrilled with their customer service. I’m a sucker for someone who pampers me and pays attention to my every question, which they totally did.

I’m loving the Botox results. So much that I want to share, so my plan is to finish school, find an amazing job that pays me a million dollars a day to write and then I’m throwing a Botox party for my nearest and dearest friends, plus strangers on the Internet.

ATTENTION: DO NOT HOLD YOUR BREATH WAITING FOR THAT TO HAPPEN. The last thing I need is someone’s family suing me for killing their loved one.

If you’re interested in attending a Botox party before my rich and famous plan comes into play the spa is having their own Botox parties in Ogden and Salt Lake. I read on their flyer that they are serving snacks and doing free manicures. I’m a sucker for free food. I hope they have Girl Scout Cookies and vodka tonics. Just in case they don’t will you stick a flask in your purse for me? Oh, and can you drive me to and from Ogden while you’re at it? Awesome, thanks!

If you’re on Facebook you’ve likely seen this meme being passed around. I don’t typically do these because I’m lazy, and people know WAY more than they should about me already. But, I had some time to kill between classes so I did.

I’m posting it here too because dammit I spent twenty freaking minutes writing out this list.

1- I once dropped out of an ethics class because a midget sat behind me.

2- I prefer my coffee cold no matter the weather.

3- I’m the most unorganized person I know.

4- I group my candy by colors before eating it.

5- It’s difficult for me to remember to wear underwear.

6- When the weather is cold one of my knuckle’s hurts. I blame Kyle Judd for stepping on it in fifth grade. I have not forgiven him.

7- I can hold a grudge like no other. See above.

8- The last time I cooked a full meal was 2003.

9- I still wear the same pair of Converse shoes I had in high school.

10- I feel completely inadequate 70% of the time.

11- I think it hurts to wake up.

12- The hotter the weather is the better. I thrive in sunshine.

13- I leave the ‘s’ off words that should have it, and tack it on to words that shouldn’t. This drives RLO crazy.

14- I want to have a child someday, but worry I’m far to selfish to be a mother.

15- I go crazy if my toenails aren’t painted.

16- Sometimes when I’m reading a really good book I skip the last chapter so the characters stay alive in my mind forever.

17- I hate white wine.

18- My mother is right about my life far more often than I like to admit.

19- I hate autism more than any disease.

20- The term Spinal Bifida makes me giggle.

21- I’m proof that CPR saves lives.

22- I check my email obsessively.

23- I’m attracted to men with brown hair and blue eyes because of my Frank Sinatra obsession.

24- I hate when men wear any sort of jewelry.

25- I once broke up with someone because they read Tom Clancy.

I’ve been told I look like a lot of different people. My least favorite comparison is Brett Butler. Remember her? She was that horrible comedian from the 90s. And the most complimentary comparison was Kristen Bell.

Until now…

Last week my lovely friend Summer’s three-year-old niece was looking through the pictures on Summer’s phone and saw this:

She excitedly said, “It’s Hannah Montana!” Coming from a little girl that’s possibly the best compliment ever, and I’ll take it!

I think celebrity comparisons are incredibly entertaining.  Who have you been told you look like?

Alternate title: First Video Blog

I’m stuck using YouTube this time because a) I didn’t know that Flickr had a 90 second limit, and b) I’m far too lazy busy studying to make the video shorter. I’ll get better, I promise. Or maybe I won’t, who knows.

I should blog about my first day back at school. And I totally will, but today I’d much rather admire my beautiful new/old purse. I haven’t decided what to name her, but I assure you it will be after an elderly woman somewhere.

I think my love of old lady accessories is a direct result of my old lady behavior. I’m the first to admit that I like to be home early, I take my daily fiber and nothing makes me happier than yelling at children.

It’s only a matter of time before I start smelling like Altoids, wrinkle cream and Virginia Slims. I CAN’T WAIT!