My Life Calling as a Wino
My parents are Mormon and don’t drink alcohol. I am not, and do. Usually this really doesn’t affect our relationship, beyond the occasional you’re going to hell lecture. I love my parents, I really do. I just don’t love their chosen religion. I love a good Shiraz way more than I love Baby Jesus. That being said…
Last night Ben and I were driving to meet our parents for dinner.
Me: “I had a long day and since I can’t go home and drink wine on my couch I’m ordering it with dinner. Consider yourself warned.”
Ben: “WHAT?? You can’t do that. Mom and Dad will freak out.”
Me: “Too bad. I specifically choose Red Butte Café so I could order a glass. Having one glass of wine may cast me into outer darkness, but the world will not end.”
Ben: “ I’m not letting you drag me into this. I will take you to the bar afterwards and get you as drunk as you want, just please do not order wine with dinner. Please?”
Me: “Fine. If it’s that important to you I won’t. But I’m ordering a dietfuckingcoke then.”
Ben: “How old are you?”
Me: “12.”
Ben: “OK, I can live with that. You’ll get a dirty look from mom, but there won’t be any yelling.”
Me: “I think saying fuck is a lot more offensive to her than ordering wine. I’m willing to bet you one bar tab on it. We’ll ask her when Dad goes to pay for dinner.”
We did and she was horrified that Ben even asked her. “You know how much I hate that word, Benjamin,” she hissed at him. And for once I came out looking like the good kid! The good kid that’s getting shit-faced on Ben’s tab all weekend long.
Comments
Ha! I love it!
This is why being a Jew is great! There are L’chaim’s! all night long!
Mormons have no fun. I would last 2 minutes in that religion. Eh, make that 1.
you are so funny (and offensive) :). i dream about my siblings screwing up so i look good. alas, i will always be the one who put toothpaste on her little sister’s eyelids and FOREVER a horrible person for it.
how can one be expected to have dinner with one’s parents and NOT drink???
you poor thing. 😉
and i’m with becky (comment #1) — jews certainly know how to have more fun…
Been there, done that with my Mo parents and family.
You have to bite the bullet and get it over with once and for all. The first time is the hardest, each consecutive time is easier.
My only off limits at this point is at their house and that will remain off limits out of respect. I moved to Georgia so that wouldn’t be an issue any more! Ha!
And it’s those moments that I THANK GOD for my parents..!! I’m pretty sure you know where I’m coming from.. 😉
I think this is my favorite post you have written ever. Or at least, in like a week.
Score!
oh my gosh. this is the funniest thing i have read in a long time! you are the good kid….hahahahahaha.
So basically, you totally could have gotten away with ordering the wine SO LONG AS when you got yelled at for it, you mentioned that it was either a glass of wine or standing on the table yelling “Fuck” over and over to a group of strangers. Both relieve tension well, which would she prefer? Good to know for next time!!
What else are brothers for?!?! 🙂
Been there done that too. Had to explain to my mother-n-law that no, you can’t get drunk if a dessert is made with Grand Marnier!
Good lord. It is not like they are “special” brownies.
I totally think you should have ordered a glass of wine. Priceless.
Perhaps you should send your mother this ecard at the next appropriate holiday: http://www.someecards.com/upload/birthday_n/being_your_least_disappointing_child_feels_like.html
I had a very involved conversation with a recovering Mormon friend about this yesterday!
On occasion, I have partaken of the alcohols in front of my MoMo mom and dad. And I’ve started drinking beer at family functions when available. Which living here, is not nearly often enough. (Ever.)
God, Sara you are to funny. Will you come with me to my family dinners;)
Ben was such a sucker! How long since he left Delta? 🙂 If you are his big sister you should be ashamed taking advantage of him that way. 🙂
Could he seriously not see that one coming?!
Poor Ben. It’s good that he has someone to teach him these life lessons in his youth.
You’re such a good sister. 😉
P.S. You should totally bring him to party in Ogden with us. Hee.
Fuck yeah! So how was the wine?
Simply awesome. I’m quite certain you’re a female version of me- thank god we live on opposite sides of the country or the whole place would end up in chaos. Well, either that or we’d end up ruling the world. which might not be so bad. Your official title could be “Minister of Wine and F-Bombs”.
Well… how was the wine?
I will politely disagree: It is summer which means that Shiraz is a little too warm for my tastes. A nice Riesling though would do well. Keep that in mind.
It’s funny that we’re so scared to drink in front of our parents. Reminded me of last year’s beer-in-the-bathroom stunt.
Classic! Thankyou for brightening up my day =o)
OMG that is hilarious. THIS is why I love my drunken Catholic upbringing. I got a car breathalizer kit along with my bible after my first communion:)
Am I too old to hang out with you guys??? Too funny.