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remember when i said i’d never do this again? i lied.

i’m taking advantage of today’s sunshine by doing laundry without dying. i should explain…i live in an old victorian home that’s been converted into apartments. the only laundry facility is in the creepy basement–i’m talking silence of the lambs creepy. i always end up doing my laundry at night, each time imagining my own death.

while i was down there, i could hear my neighbor singing very off-key to what i assume was the tabernacle choir, it is conference weekend, after all. i started laughing but quickly stopped when i remembered i had just caught myself dancing to the hip-hop abs workout infomercial.

i’m a huge fan of public radio. i look forward to this american life and the diane rehm show, but thanks to the folks over at kcpw for giving me a new favorite: fair game. if you aren’t a listener you should be. the host’s name is faith salie and is fabulous for so many reasons–she’s girly, smart, her website has pink on it and she did a stint on sex in the city and, um, star trek: deep space nine, but no judgement.

wouldn’t it be nice if you could handpick your family? though, i can’t imagine giving up any of my family, so maybe if i could pick who they marry. that’s it–i should be in charge of the family matchmaking, though i have no obvious skills since i’m single. BUT, i could pick out killer matches for my brothers.

1. gwen stefani because she’s gwen stefani.
2. angelina jolie because i’m guaranteed to get a boatload of nieces and nephews out of the deal.
3. aishwarya rai because not only is she beautiful but perhaps i could wear a pink sari to the wedding.
4. norah jones because then my mom couldn’t be upset no one else in the family enjoys singing.
5. sarah silverman because i wouldn’t be the crudest female at the dinner table.
6. debbie harrie because i’d suddenly be the younger blond.
7. jessica simpson because she would be fun to laugh at.
8. natalie portman because she may agree to shave her head when whichever brother she marries goes bald–sympathy hair loss goes a long way in the nielson family.
9. anna kournikova because she’s hot, and she’d play tennis with chady-bear so the rest of us didn’t have to.
10. rachel ray because then maybe once we’d have something besides dry mormon roast for sunday dinner.

go here to read this week’s column, unless you’re my mother. then please direct your attention to your other children–the ones who don’t disappoint you online.

i can’t stop smelling my armpits. it smells like fresh baked cookies under there. i bought new vanilla chai deodorant a few days ago, and man i smell good. it’s so awkward when you want to eat your own armpits.

i was with a friend and he mentioned something smelled good. when i told him it was my pits and asked if he wanted to smell he nearly threw me out of the car. you would think he’d be happy i smelled so lovely, but no…

a friend of mine was rubbing it in telling me his intentions to purchase the new apple tv. discounting his ipod this will be his first apple purchase. i warned him it’s like crack, but prettier. seriously, you can’t quit. i own three ipods, an ibook and have an apple wish list longer than anna nicole smith’s drug list.

picture it…

i’m in a one-on-one appointment with someone i admire, and look up to a great deal, when my phone starts ringing. i quickly try to silence it, but instead accidentally answer it and place it back into my bag. i continue on with my conversation until i hear a man yelling from inside my handbag. i realize my mistake, terminate the call, blush and move on. if my ring tone wasn’t aqua’s “barbie girl” song, it may have lessened the humiliation factor.

i’ve GOT to start remembering to put my phone on vibrate, of all people you’d think i’d have that mastered.

I went to a BBQ last night at a friend’s house. These are some of my favorite boys around, so much in fact when they call me bitch I just smile and get them another beer. Because really isn’t that what a good bitch does?

Feeling guilty that I wasn’t helping, I walked into the kitchen and offered assistance to the pretty boy with dimples. He requested I grab an onion out of the friends and cut it for the burgers. A woman in the kitchen, who I didn’t know, said “Oh, I’ll do it—she probably doesn’t even know how to cut an onion.” I don’t know why but this totally hurt my feelings. She was pretty accurate, since I’ve not cut an onion in years, but really how difficult can it be? I smiled politely and quickly left the kitchen for the sanctity of the porch.

Since summer is just around the corner, perhaps I should buy a book that demonstrates (with pictures) how to properly cut all vegetables. It might just be worth my time.

i want to thank everyone who emailed me after reading thursday’s column. from the huge response it sounds like i’m not the only one in the city with a broken heart. thanks for sharing and trusting me with your own breakup stories–it really means a lot to me.