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i didn’t post my column last week, so this week you get two!

men, all you really need is half

no rest until new guy gets a name

i haven’t made sundance a priority like i have in previous years. i’m busier this year and it’s just so cold out! waitress was really good, but i’ve been craving pies ever since. not sure that’s a good thing considering jen doesn’t live close enough to bake me some. marie callender’s pies just aren’t the same.

slcup and i are going to see hounddog this afternoon, as i always say 2 sara(h)’s are better than 1. hopefully she’ll stop me from doing anything too humiliating like the time i offended jennifer aniston in the bathroom, or the time i almost killed carmen electra with a door. if ak stops being a baby about his sore throat then we’ll see king of california tonight. funny how last year i had an ear infection and when i skipped some movies i was a wuss, but look who is sick now. ha! karma’s a bitch.

star sightings thus far:
-john hensley, the super yummy son on nip/tuck–who was lucky i had a boy with me, otherwise he would’ve had to push me off his leg in my attempt to hump it.
-keri russel, um adorable!
-cheryl hines–her face is even pointier in person.
-nathan fillion, whom i’ve loved since he was the pretty fireman in two guys, a girl, and a pizza place.
-some guy from the show 24 that no one seemed to care about but himself.

ohh, and r-lo claims he saw kevin bacon but he’s also a known liar. so, whatever.

there’s no escaping bike talk, even in the middle of the coldest january, um, ever. while at lunch today the geeks spoke bike in front of me. i’ve specifically asked them to refrain from doing so, but they never listen. as usual i sat there looking bored and tried to talk myself into not picking up my fork and stabbing their eyeballs out. they really shouldn’t test me, they’ve all seen my dog.

the conversation evolved from shaving legs for bikey smoothness to hairy butts. i don’t know how this happens though i suspect sometimes it’s my fault. i asked what the typical age is for a man when he starts to develop that fuzzy butt disease, but as usual they ignored me. i got louder, because that’s what i do when i’m ignored.

i’ve got to learn it’s not ok to use my loud voice in restaurants, especially when i find myself saying, very loudly, “WHY WON’T ANYONE ANSWER MY HAIRY BUTT QUESTION?!” ak gave me his usual ” i cannot believe we choose to take you out in public” look. if you ask me it’s his fault for not answering the first three times i asked.

a “friend” and i went to park city yesterday for sundance. while we were there we dropped by pmk’s house for some essentials: clean bathrooms and coffee laced with large quantities of alcohol. i noticed a monopoly game set up in the corner, but didn’t pay any attention to what version it was. i just assumed everyone plays my favorite one, the here & now edition. it’s totally cute and totally commercial with game pieces including a prius, RAZR phone and most importantly a starbucks cup!
but, noooooo…
as my friend pointed out on the way home, they were playing the national park version. sometimes i forget living in park city requires you to enjoy the outdoors even while you’re indoors.

i went to my ex’s house for the evening to watch a movie.

as a woman it’s my duty to walk around trying to notice anything different from the last time i was there. i can’t help it, it’s written into my genetic code. blame god.

there was a dixie chicks album on his stereo and a hawaiian shirt in his closet with the ugliest flowers ever printed to fabric. i was afraid to look any longer in fear my eyes would bleed out of their sockets, which would’ve made driving home an ordeal.

let this be a lesson to all future boyfriends, when i go everything good in your life seems to follow, including your musical taste and sense of fashion. the rest? well, that’s a secret.

while driving home last night, i was stressing over dinner.

i didn’t have any groceries in the house, unless you count the 72 hour kit santa brought me this year, which i don’t. i hate grocery shopping almost as much as i hate the dentist, rush limbaugh, the fact i didn’t have to look up the spelling of limbaugh, and grainy porn downloaded from the internet. i looked down at my phone and saw i had a message. it was my uncle bry asking me on a date for dinner. needless to say, i happily accepted.

the company was nice, but truthfully i’d have chosen dinner with charles manson over grocery shopping.

i’ve always wanted to live at the plaza, hell, i’d even settle for just staying there one night at this point! it has nothing to do with the beautiful architecture, nor the famous parties and balls held there over the years. it’s all because of the children’s storybook character eloise. come on, why do you think i own a pug?!

i was going through my eloise book collection to find the perfect one to give my niece, hannah, for her upcoming third birthday when i found this one:i’d never noticed before, but her pug has one eye too! ok, so maybe it’s winking but still…when daisy lost her eye a few years ago, in an effort to console me, by boyfriend at the time said it just looked like she was winking all the time. it made me feel better at the time, and i’ve thought of it as such ever since.

i determine my level of friendship by my ability to make a person cry– horrible, but true. sometimes it’s the “i hate you’ cry, but typically it’s the ‘oh so tender’ cry i’m going for, mostly because i’m a controlling bitch, but whatever, that’s not really the point.

today, i successfully made my bestest sister friend jen cry. again. it’s usually a bi-weekly thing with her.

i emailed her to tell her about her doppelganger:
today in my writing class the girl across the room from me looked exactly like you did a few years ago. her hair was short and flippy in the back; the color was dark brown with just a hint of red when the light hit it just right. she had pretty pouty lips and your exact skin tone. i kept staring at her, and without a doubt, she must think i’m a total lesbian. she was holding still for so long that i felt as if i was looking at an old picture of you. i was so mesmerized by her, that when she finally moved i freaked out.

her reply was as follows:
your story about the girl in your class made me tear up! you jerk!

yup, I still got it!

it’s no secret i’m a giant clutz. ben always laughs that i manage to get hurt nearly every single time i leave the house! i’m constantly bruised from bumping into things. yesterday was no exception, i smashed my hand on the doorknob trying to hurry out of my apartment. the only thing that differed is where i bruised myself.
seriously, who bruises their left-hand ring-finger? i think it’s a bad omen, and i can plan on remaining single forever. i think my editor will be very, very pleased.