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Waiting to die is sort of anticlimactic, don’t you think? I mean you wait for that big moment where you walk towards the light, but then bam you’re dead and it’s over.

I’m waiting to die right this very second. It’s nothing serious like cancer, or swine flu. I cooked dinner. Like from a recipe, not a box. There was nothing pre-packaged about this meal, which is why I’m waiting to die.

I’m certain I gave myself food poisoning. Sure, a little case of food poisoning doesn’t kill the normal person. But I’m not normal. I’m an overachiever. Not for the important things in life like education, career, hobbies or a relationship. I’m an overachiever at shit that doesn’t matter. Dental floss for example.. I’m a crazy overachiever when it comes to Gingivitis. And you know what they say: where there’s a will, there’s a way.

See what I did there? I made a little death pun. You know, because death is anticlimactic AND funny. Right? Ahh, fuck it. You’re going to feel bad you didn’t laugh when I’m dead. Jerks.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I like to imagine having a conversation with Jesus via Twitter. I don’t know why exactly. It’s just one of those weird things I do.

Dear Jesus, will you please force someone to invent batteries that never die.. specifically battery size AA.

Dear Jesus, vibrators aren’t the only things that require AA. TV remotes need them, too. You know, to watch Christian TV and shit.

Dear Jesus, Sorry I said shit in that last tweet. Sometimes shit just slips out, you know.

Dear Jesus, I totally didn’t intend “shit just slips out” to be a pun. It just happened.. sorry.

Dear Jesus, I apologize for swearing in the last three tweets. Please don’t take it out on my batteries. I need those bastards.

Dear Jesus, is bastard a swear word?

Are you there Jesus? It’s me Sarah. The shit-talker. Why aren’t you @replying me?

Dear Jesus, stop ignoring me, please.

Dear Jesus, I’m starting to get seriously pissed off here. I said ‘please’ and everything.

Dear Jesus, UNFOLLOW! No, I’m not kidding. I’m totally unfollowing you until you make nice.

HINTS FOR JESUS: fixing that battery problem would be a great way to make nice, or flowers.

This week’s “That’s What She Said.” To sum up my column: MY HOUSE IS HAUNTED. That’s all. The end.

See how I didn’t even mention the mean comment someone left on the column? Oh wait, I just did. Oops.

“Ben I have two questions. Did you know that 62% of bankruptcies in the U.S. are due to medical bills?”

“I didn’t.”

“Then you don’t even want to know how many of those people had private medical insurance. It’s totally screwed up. Also, do you think a raccoon could get through my dog door?”

“I have no idea. Why are you asking me? You have a raccoon expert on your speed dial.”

“I know, but Carl won’t answer the phone. What good is having an expert if you end up using Wikipedia as your source?”

“True.”

“I had a dream that a raccoon got through the dog door and Daisy wrote about it on Twitter while I was at work.”

“Sarah, I’d be more concerned your dog was using Twitter. Shut off her phone service, and your problem is solved.”

“No, it’s not! There’s still a fucking raccoon in the house killing my dog. I just won’t know about it.”

“Maybe Daisy will leave a note.”

“Ben, that’s ridiculous. If I find a note and a dead dog how will I know she left the note, and the raccoon didn’t coerce her into writing it? The raccoon could easily get away with murder by making me think it was a suicide.”

“I’ll tell you what… if Daisy dies a violent death we’ll do a thorough investigation into her death.”

“OK, cool. Thanks Ben. I’ll talk to you later.”

When I decided to go back to school full-time to finish my degree I knew there would be consequences. I just didn’t know there would be so many.

Over the past year I have neglected my friends and family, gained weight and stopped dating altogether. My free time was limited and I had to spend most of it studying. At least once a week I wanted to quit school. I missed my friends. I missed hanging out with my brothers, and I definitely missed having a real paycheck.

I constantly questioned whether or not finishing my degree was worth it. Today I received my graduation evaluation, and quickly realized it really was worth it.

BOO-YAH! I’m almost there!

I’ll be the first grandchild in the Nielson clan to graduate from the University of Utah. Cousins have graduated from other great schools, and even the much-hated BYU. However, I’ll be the only one to graduate from the same school that my uncles and father graduated from. This gives me a huge sense of family pride AND something to hold over all the cousins who graduated years ahead of me, which was really the end goal.

Read this week’s “That’s What She Said” for In Utah.

This week’s column contains everything I’ve learned over the past 34 years. Shit. That hurt to type.. probably because my fingers are so damn old now.

Aging is bullshit. That’s all.

I’m stalking the UPS delivery truck, and apparently not afraid to admit it.

When I couldn’t find footed pajamas that I liked, I broke down and ordered an electric blanket from Amazon. You can judge me all you want, but I won’t hear you through all the warmth and happiness.

Saturday I saw the UPS truck delivering a package next door. I ran to the truck and asked the somewhat bewildered driver why he skipped my house.

“Oh my god, do you hate me? Do you not want me to be warm at night? How could you just leave me in the cold to die?”

He just stared at me.

“Seriously this isn’t a game! There’s a life at stake… my life.”

Still, he stared at me like I had horns. Devil horns.

“I hope you can live with yourself when I die!”

Sometimes verbal diarrhea gets the better of me. Not to mention I’m a tad over-dramatic.

He went from bewildered to being annoyed, but could tell I wasn’t leaving until I had my answer. He checked, but nothing for me.

Monday I saw the same driver delivering to a different neighbor. I chased him down begging for my fuzzy pink blanket. Again he had nothing.

When I got home last night I saw him at the end of my street. I rushed to his truck. Before I had a chance to utter a work he looked at me and asked, “Amazon?”

“YES! How did you know?”

“They use The United States Postal Service. Now please, I need to get back to delivering packages for OUR customers.”

A man in brown shamed me. The least he could have done was wear pink sparkles to let me down easy.

Being 34 feels so much different than 33 did. I feel like I could conquer the world. I woke up, jumped out of bed, made coffee, showered, SHAVED MY LEGS, and brushed my teeth all before 6 AM.

I love that 34 makes me super productive…. 34 is my bitch!

Imagine my surprise when I logged into work and was an hour early. Turns out I forgot to change my alarm clock when the time changed yesterday.

Damn.

I guess turning 34 didn’t magically turn me into Miss Productivity 2009, but instead I’m just as bad with the small details in life as always. Oh well, at least today’s stupid mistake can be celebrated with cake. Cake makes everything better. Even stupidity.

I think I accidentally celebrated Halloween. I had every intention of ignoring the stupid holiday and going about my regular business.

Regular business: drinking wine out of a coffee cup. Shut up. It’s not trashy because it’s a super nice coffee cup… leather and everything. See, it’s totally classy.

Rather than stay home and pass out candy to kids I don’t know, I made plans with my friend Susan to get dinner and see a movie. I see you shaking your head in disgust, which if you really think about it, you should be thanking me for saving your kids from diabetes. YOU’RE WELCOME!

Now that I’ve saved your children I can get back to the point of this post: accidental Halloween costume.

When Susan picked me up she was wearing exactly the same thing I was. This isn’t the first time we’ve ended up in similar clothes. However, this time it looked way less douchey because we could claim that we were dressed up like twins. I’m sure no one believed us, but at least we looked better than the weird girl in the restaurant dressed up like a cave woman.

I can’t figure out if someone brought a cute puppy to work, or if one of the office nerds dabbled in black nerd magic to create the world’s best Halloween costume. I’m not snuggling the puppy just in case.