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When I found out Kelli was coming to Utah for a visit I begged her bring me some Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Almonds with Sea Salt and Turbinado Sugar. When I say I begged… I’m totally lying. The truth is I threatened her. The conversation went something like this:

“If you don’t bring me some sugar crack I will murder you in your sleep and steal all your cute clothes.”

“NOOOOO, not my clothes!”

Which, at the time, I thought was really weird because it’s not like a dead girl can wear all those clothes.

Since Kelli is a good friend (or scared shitless of death) she brought me the sugar crack.

This is what my sugar crack SHOULD look like:

Doesn’t that stuff look amazing? Yeah.. not this time:

She left them in the car once she arrived in Utah, where they melted. Kelli, THE GIRL WHO LIVES IN A YEAR ROUND WARM CLIMATE, forgot the dangers of leaving chocolate in the sun. Sigh…

To read this week’s column online go here. To download the PDF version go here.

I’m headed to the country this weekend to spend Easter with my parents!

My friend Kelli is visiting her parents so I’m excited to see her and the Easter Bunny both. I hope she has the good sense to also give me presents. She’s competitive enough I can totally picture her trying to beat the Easter Bunny.

Speaking of which, I sent the below email to my Mother in an attempt to trick her into doing my grocery shopping. I have a sneaking suspicion she’ll see right through my facade. I also suspect she’ll do it anyway, because she’s just that amazing.

Dear Mom,

I’m coming home for Easter this year. I probably won’t go to church with you on Sunday, but I’d still like to celebrate. So if you’ll kindly place the following items in a pink Easter basket:

A bottle of vitamins
A bottle of melatonin
Mascara
Toilet paper
Diet tonic water
Green grapes
Cheddar cheese
Zit cream
Cauliflower
Yogurt
Baked tofu
Wheat Thins
Peach Fresca

These items won’t seem very Easter-ish to you, so if you want to throw in Easter candy I wouldn’t be opposed. I love you, and can’t wait to see you!!

Love,
Sarah

You know how some say that deaths always happen in three? They could… I really have no idea; I’ve never experienced that. Instead my life is all about things breaking in threes.

1)    The edges of my beloved MacBook are peeling off. It’s just cosmetic damage so not a complete tragedy, but it leaves sharp edges where my wrists rest which leaves me looking like a failed suicidal maniac. Awesome.

2)    If you read my Twitter you’re aware that my scooter battery is dead. Which wouldn’t be so horrific, but my driving test was scheduled for today. I love my little scooter, but have had nothing but problems with it. I guess that’s what I get for buying a cheap scooter off the Internet. Double awesome.

3)    And lastly, my microwave broke. I’m amazed the thing lasted this long. I should have ditched it years ago but it’s tiny and fits in my little kitchen. It may just be the first microwave ever! It used to live in my grandparents motor home… in the 80s. Now I have to try and find a small, inexpensive one that fits my midget kitchen. Triple awesome.

It could be much worse, I know. And those worse things? I’ll expect them tomorrow. Yay life.

Time for another giveaway! This one is sponsored by Judy. She makes custom jewelry that can be found on her Juditude Etsy shop. When Judy first contacted me to arrange this giveaway she used the word whore in the title. I love her for that!

Judy made three pieces, so there will be three winners.

I will use a random generator to pick three lucky winners. As usual, you can comment as many times as you like! I will close the comments Friday at noon.

Good luck, and thanks Judy!

****EDIT****

International readers are NOT excluded! Comment your little hearts out.

My dad and I have a very strained relationship. Our personalities are far too similar causing us to fight more often than not. We are stubborn and sharp tongued, which is a deadly and hurtful combination.

After having some car troubles, yesterday, I sucked it up and called him for help. We discussed all the problems my car could be having and then he asked about school. I did something I don’t EVER do with him… I opened up. I expressed my academic fears and frustrations. He listened and offered some sound advice. There were no lectures. None. He could have easily told me to be smarter, or study harder, but he didn’t. This behavior is very uncharacteristic on both of our parts.

We ended our conversation and then something magical happened, he told me he loved me. I know he loves me, but I haven’t heard him vocalize that love since I was a young child. We hung up, and as I set the phone down I started to cry. For once my tears were tears of happiness.

This is the most progress my dad and I have made in decades. And suddenly I don’t care if I pass the troublesome class or not—the important thing is that my education brought my dad and I together, if only for a moment. That alone is worth every single cent of my tuition.

Standing in the bathroom, last night, waiting for the clogged sink to drain I let out a string of expletives that would make any sailor cower. And then I put lotion on my elbows. The benefit of having a clogged sink is really, really soft elbows.

As I was applying lotion I noticed something strange–my elbows were purple. Not bruised purple, but dead heroin addict hooker purple. Upon closer inspection I noticed that same shade of death covered my entire upper body.

What… the… fuck?

DAMMIT! I should have filled out the living will paperwork my mother sent me. I’m facing death and I don’t have a living will, or even a regular will. Not to mention I don’t have any money to leave anyone. Now is NOT the time to die! I’ve got to make a bunch of money to leave my niece and nephew. I’ve already planned out the stipulations on their non-existent trust fund. It’s simple really… if they vote anything but Democrat the money skips their greedy little pockets and is donated to the Democratic Party.

I was this close to calling and demanding my brother let me talk to the kids—I was not about to die without saying goodbye—when I stepped on the sweater I had just taken off. The new, BLACK sweater I had just taken off.

Ohh….

So that’s why you’re supposed to wash dark clothing before wearing it. Humph. Probably good to know.

To read my column this week online click here, to download the PDF version click here.

Between the snow today and RLO pissing me off I could really use some positive thoughts. Because otherwise I may kill him with his own fancy knife set. This may be the most forced Grace in Small Things entry to date, but forcing yourself to be positive is sort of the point.

1. Road tripping to Logan tonight for the Post Secret event with Bishop Deal and the car snacks that always go hand-in-hand with road trips
2. Watermelon flavored gum
3. My black and pink umbrella from Target
4. Free cheeseburger
5. Bribes masked in the form of Skittles

While I was in D.C. over spring break I spent an afternoon at the Newseum. Total news boner! However, I was a little peeved they didn’t really discuss blogging as a news medium, but then I saw this:

Twitter!! All it takes is one technology boner and everything is instantly forgiven. Well that and seeing this:

Is Jesus being a stoner news? I didn’t read a lot of Bible stories so I’m not positive, but that long unwashed hippie hair sort of gives it away.