Thanks!
1. Cheap shoes from Payless.
2. A fun new writing gig with Wasatch Woman. I’m going to be blogging for them here every Monday. Bookmark the page and go there often!
2. Black tee-shirts.
3. Scooter weather! And a brother who is going to get it all charged and ready to go.
4. Peach Fresca
5. An upcoming visit from Kelli!
Today is the first day of spring break. THANK GOD! I’m leaving for D.C. Monday morning. I can’t wait! I started planning the trip out last night.
So far I’ve packed:
two pairs of pajamas
fiber pills
Which works perfectly since the only things on my agenda thus far are:
sleep
nap
sleep
I know I should visit at least a couple war memorials, but that’s just so depressing. I don’t want to be depressed on spring break. I want to be sleeping. Or drunk. But not too drunk, I don’t want to be the old lady who dances atop bar tables. Unless I’m being paid for it.
I definitely want to check out Eastern Market and hopefully find some thrift stores to scour. Are any of you from the D.C. area and can offer advice on where to go? Thrift stores and otherwise? Mama needs some new/old Pyrex bowls. Rose is very lonely.
Teaching five-year-olds the art of ‘your mom’ jokes is not an easy undertaking. I wouldn’t suggest doing it sober. After I explained to my nephew, Carter, how to properly make one, we had a practice session. IT DID NOT GO WELL!
Carter: “You’re silly.”
Me: “Your mom is silly.”
Carter: “She is really, really silly. I love her.”
Me: “Buddy that’s now how it works. Let’s try it again.”
Carter: “You smell like diapers.”
Me: “Your mom smells like diapers.
Carter: “NO SHE DOESN’T! She smells pretty. You smell pretty too Aunt Sarah. Like cookies.”
I gave up and told him we’d try again when he was older, and maybe then he would understand. His twin sister Hannah got upset and said, “Aunt Sarah I get it, but I’m older by three whole minutes so I’m smarter.” To which I replied, “No Hannah you’re smarter because you’re a girl.”
I feel like honestly is always the best policy, especially with young and impressionable children.
Needles make me queasy. I detest shots and giving blood is completely out of the question. That’s what the rest of you suckers are for. I’ll buy my own juice and cookies, thanks. I don’t need to see a blood bag hanging off my body. EW!
But, Botox?
Botox is totally worth shoving needles in my forehead. Don’t fret; I’m not the one shoving the needles into my head. My girl Laurie over at the Mountain Medical Medispa does that for me.
I tried Botox once last summer and ended up with a bruised forehead, but under the bruises it was so pretty and smooth. This time I decided to try a different clinic. After the kick ass microdermabrasion I decided to see if they could make me pretty. I was VERY pleased with results. There wasn’t a single bruise! I nearly kissed Laurie on the mouth I was so happy. And she didn’t just send me on my way, THEY FOLLOWED UP! I was thrilled with their customer service. I’m a sucker for someone who pampers me and pays attention to my every question, which they totally did.
I’m loving the Botox results. So much that I want to share, so my plan is to finish school, find an amazing job that pays me a million dollars a day to write and then I’m throwing a Botox party for my nearest and dearest friends, plus strangers on the Internet.
ATTENTION: DO NOT HOLD YOUR BREATH WAITING FOR THAT TO HAPPEN. The last thing I need is someone’s family suing me for killing their loved one.
If you’re interested in attending a Botox party before my rich and famous plan comes into play the spa is having their own Botox parties in Ogden and Salt Lake. I read on their flyer that they are serving snacks and doing free manicures. I’m a sucker for free food. I hope they have Girl Scout Cookies and vodka tonics. Just in case they don’t will you stick a flask in your purse for me? Oh, and can you drive me to and from Ogden while you’re at it? Awesome, thanks!
It’s after 5:00. You know what that means, right? Happy hour!
But first, let’s get down to business… naughty business–are you dying to know if you won the sex toy gift certificate? Well are you? I can’t hear you!
The winner is….
Wait!
Hold on, there’s more.
The lovely Susan took pity on you sex-starved folks and has sponsored a bonus gift certificate to Eden Fantasys! I love that Susan. She’s the yin to my red wine yang, which is code for she’s a white wine wino. Plus she has a killer rack. Please swing over to her blog and thank her for being so generous!
Here we go! Are you excited? I am. Thanks to everyone who commented. There were 1,009 comments and that feels awesome!
The $65 gift certificate from Eden Fantasys goes to: comment 428 The Single Sister
The $65 gift certificate from Susan the wino goes to: comment 956 Tracie (if you have a blog email me the link and I’ll post it.)
Hugs and kisses to both Eden Fantasys and Susan for making this possible. I’ll email the winner soon with the prize codes. Enjoy your winnings! Just don’t tell me about it.
Because I’m feeling generous today I’m going to extend the contest for an additional five hours. This statement is 30% true. I am going to extend the contest, but it’s not because I’m generous, it’s because DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME IS RUINING MY LIFE!
I’m old and losing an hour really screws up my body’s schedule. I couldn’t go to bed on time last night, so of course I slept through my alarm. Today just feels off. I’m tired and grumpy.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go eat my fiber pills and yell at the kids to get off my lawn.
You’re welcome. Tell your sexuality it owes me.
A friend gave me a pug desk calendar for Christmas. And while I appreciate the gift, I found it extremely inaccurate.
The calendar is mocking me!
Daily I’m subjected to glossy photos of two-eyed pugs. It’s like hey I know you love pugs, so why don’t you look at all these cute FULLY FUNCTIONAL pugs. I wasn’t about to sit idly by and take the abuse, so I found a black Sharpie and turned it into a lovely one-eyed pug calendar. I like it much better now. Don’t you?
Today kicked my ass. The only way to get past it is with a big shot of positivity… and vodka.
Since I don’t know what this “The Secret” bullshit is that my friends keep blogging about, I’m going to stick with my usual boost of positivity: Grace in Small Things.
1) My readers: You people have no idea how much I love reading your comments and emails. I’m continuously amazed that complete strangers are rooting for me. It makes me want to kiss each and every one of you on the mouth. (With tongue if you do my statistics homework!)
2) Aveda Shampoo presents from my friend Summer. She is beloved.
3) My study buddies, Danielle and Jeff, without them I’d never make it through school hell.
4) SPRING BREAK!
5) My brothers. The four of them constantly drive me bat-shit-crazy, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. I don’t tell them enough, but I love the hell out of each of them. I know they would do anything for me, and I’m so grateful to know them.
Sometimes I forget how incredibly blessed I am.