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Daisy apparently didn’t get the memo that I went back to school and am working part-time. She thinks expensive medicals tests are a hobby. They so, so aren’t.

The vet clinic didn’t get the memo that a vodka tonic is the epitome of a refreshing drink. As for me? Well I didn’t get the memo that when the receptionist asks you if you would like a refreshing drink she means a warm Sprite, not a bottle of vodka and straw. Another refreshing drink is champagne, which should always be served immediately after informing a worried dog owner that her beloved pug is cancer-free. Daisy does, however, have a a sludge-filled gallbladder, major food allergies and irritable bowel syndrome.

The vet called her a little shit for giving us such a scare. I called the vet a big shit when he told me to keep an ass journal for Daisy. Apparently he’d like to read about the consistency of Daisy’s feces while enjoying a nightcap with his wife. I’d much rather get him a subscription to an interesting magazine, but whatever floats his boat, and keeps my dog alive.

While I’m thrilled there’s nothing serious wrong with her, I’m realistic enough to know we’re in for the long haul here. Daisy’s disgusting farts aren’t going anywhere. And neither is my love for her, although my savings account is. My fart filled apartment has never felt more like home. I’m happy to have the little shit back, but if anyone has any information on the market for one-eyed pug porn let me know. Daisy needs a job. And preferebly one with health benefits.

I really need a dose of positivity right now, hence today’s Grace in Small Things post.

1 Receiving Valentine’s Day cards in the mail
2 Reese’s Puffs breakfast cereal
3 Clean sheets
4 My niece, Hannah, agreeing to take me to Starbucks

I dropped Daisy off at the vet clinic early this morning for a day of tests. I’ve put this off as long as I could, but it’s time to admit to myself that she’s sick, and NOT getting better. The vet has been treating her with antibiotics on and off for the past year, but sadly it’s not helping.

I’m hoping today will provide some answers about what’s going on. This dog is my kid, and I need her to be OK. I’m scared, but forcing myself to remain positive. Positive thinking apparently includes calling the clinic every single hour to check on her. I’m that dog owner.

The economy is in the crapper so who doesn’t need a freebie, right? RIGHT!

With that in mind, the lovely Gigi is sponsoring my first blog giveaway! Two winners will receive a coffee cozy and a $10 Starbucks gift card.

Gigi, of DizzlePOP, makes the most adorable coffee cozies. I’ve always wanted one, so I was extra excited when she sent me one too. I’m always burning my hands on coffee cups and I hate taking the little cardboard things to help. They don’t help and they certainly aren’t as cute as these:

So here’s the deal: comment as many times as you like from now until this Friday–be sure to comment using a valid email address. Using Random.org I will pick two random winners Friday at noon. Yay for freebie Friday, and double yay for Gigi! Who, by the way, has a cute little shop on Etsy where you can buy yourself one. She’s offered free shipping to anyone who orders and mentions they came from my site. Go.

**If you’re interested in sponsoring a giveaway please contact me on the contact page of this site. It’s a fun way to get your product out there.

Dear Heart,

It’s Valentine’s Day. This should be the day of celebrating a loving relationship, yet we aren’t. I blame you.

No really, I do.

You’ve been so absent lately. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if you’re still working correctly. There’s no other explanation for your complete failure to love someone of the opposite sex properly. You’re so good at loving family, friends and even that stinky pug, so I know you are capable of love.

What’s your deal? Are you still upset with me for staying in that relationship even after you’d been broken? I’ve apologized so many times. I’ve even fed you ice cream, AND chocolates. There’s nothing more I can do. You need to let it go and forgive me.

Sure, I understand you’re probably a little scared of getting hurt again, but we are strong. If we work as a team we can kick the shit out of this love thing. We are tough bitches, my friend.

So what are you so afraid of?

Dude, stop being a pussy and live a little! If you break, you break. Broken hearts mend. And I have an entire box of Hello Kitty Band-Aids, just in case.

Now go out there and make momma proud. Or else.

Love,
Me

I found this old picture of Daisy in a book last night, which reminds me exactly why I love her so much. Look at her acting nonchalant while another dog tries to stick his tongue down her throat. That’s my girl!

I put the picture on the refrigerator. I need to have it close so I can be reminded of how much I love her when she’s bad. The little bitch figured out how to open the child-proof locks I recently placed on the lower kitchen cabinets.

It’s not like there’s food for her to get into–it’s where I keep kitchen appliances. Yesterday I came home to find the Hello Kitty toaster on the floor. I can’t figure out if she’s trying to get toast crumbs, or if Hello Kitty is a giant slutbag trying to stick her tongue down my dog’s throat.

This week’s “That’s What She Said.” It’s a PDF again. I tried to find the link on our new In Utah website, but couldn’t. After five minute of the “where’s Sarah” game I gave up. Yup, that’s me… I give up AND bash on chick flicks.

**Thanks to the IN Utah Twitter folks for sending over the actual link.

It’s been a rough week and it’s only Wednesday. Thankfully some dead presidents gave me an upcoming long weekend. I need it. Badly.

Yesterday I got home from school and noticed something odd about my reflection in the mirror. There, in my messy ponytail, I found two pens. I don’t recall sticking them in my hair, but I’ve had very little sleep this week so I don’t recall much. And worse? Only one of those pens belongs to me.

At the start of my second class I realized I had lost my pen, so I borrowed one from a girl sitting next to me. I somehow managed to misplace my pen, and her pen IN MY FREAKING UNWASHED HAIR! Did I mention the part where I’m running on very little sleep?

Thankfully it wasn’t a math class because I could have easily stuck a calculator in this mess and not noticed.

I should never be allowed to talk to strangers. I always say something stupid that I later over-analyze. Last weekend was no different…

I stopped at a convenience store on my way home from spin class, and as I was paying for my drink the cashier attempted to exchange simple pleasantries.

“How is your day going?”

“OK I guess, but I could really do without the ass chaffing my new bike shorts are causing.”

I can only guess that his complete silence was due to his extreme discomfort in discussing my ass. Really he should consider himself lucky that I didn’t try to talk about my lady bits with him. RLO may or may not be giving me the silent treatment for trying to show him my chaffing over dinner.

People are so freaking sensitive these days. With that in mind, I’m going to follow the below script for each and every conversation I encounter with a stranger:

“How is your day going?”

“Great, thanks for asking.”

Sure it’s boring as hell, but it’s just so much easier. That precious time I would have spent obsessing over the conversation is time that could be dedicated to watching trashy reality television shows. Or scratching my ass.

I saw the weirdest billboard today. I was driving from Provo to Salt Lake City when I saw it.  It was a picture of a Utah license plate, but instead of ski Utah it read “Sedate Utah.”

What the fuck?

I think it was a billboard for a dentist, but still it just seems odd. I almost pulled over to take a picture, but speaking of sedated I was too damn tired. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted—family emergencies can do that to you. Everything is going to be OK, but it’s not something I feel comfortable talking about.

Also, I think it’s important to know that waiting rooms are the perfect place for ‘your mom’ jokes. It totally lightens the mood.

It’s cold, rainy and I have a zit on my cheek, but I’m still in a fantastic mood. Insert happy weekend dance here.

It seems like a good time to post for Grace in Small Things, but I’m only posting four. Not because I don’t have five things to be thankful for, but because I’m slightly OCD and hate ending things in odd numbers. PLUS four is my favorite number.

1) An exciting new writing gig!
2) Cute boys who buy me chocolate
3) Mrs. AK
4) Movies at The Broadway Theater in SLC