Thanks!
Read my first column of the New Year: “That’s What She Said.” I’m sort of over resolutions so this column explains what I’ve decided to do instead.
I hope everyone had a happy and safe New Year’s Eve. I spent mine with good food and my BFFs. Couldn’t ask for more.
In honor of this year coming to an end, I’m posting some of my favorite 2008 blog posts.
I’ve also made it easier for you to share the posts you like, and please, please do! Sharing is caring. At least that’s what my mom always said in my childhood when I wouldn’t share toys with my brothers. I still don’t understand why hitting them with said toys wasn’t considered sharing. What? I was making them tough. That’s what older sisters are for.
Best of 2008:
Why the State of Utah Should be Paying my Therapy Bills
Possible TMI, Do Not Read if Related
A big thanks to all of you. I can’t tell you how comforting it is to know I have complete strangers rooting for me, and laughing right along with me at all my ridiculous life mistakes. I’m so glad you’re here.
I work with nerds. I always have. I’m sort of a nerd groupie.
Yesterday at lunch my nerds were discussing really boring things like phones and PHP. In an attempt to change the subject I asked, “So, how about them sports?”
They looked at me in disgust knowing full well I was going to require a conversation about sports. WHICH I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT, but I felt like having normal boy talk may be fun.
We talked about college bowl games, which The Kid informed us are a really big deal–something about a lot of money, and mountain west recognition. YAWN.
Things quickly took a turn for the worse when we started discussing bowl sponsorship. Nerds can turn anything back into phone talk. I braced myself for a boredom overload by finding entertainment in eating my sugar-free pudding cup in four whole bites.
To recap:
Football—->bowl games—->Tostito Fiesta Bowl—->sponsors—->DAMN PHONES
This weekend my parents celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary. I remembered while I was having drinks at the pub, so instead of calling and slurring my words I text messaged my mom.
“Happy anniversary! Thanks for getting married and having all the crazy sex it took to make me!”
My mom has a great sense of humor so I knew she’s shake her head after reading it, but secretly find it funny. Expect there was a slight problem. My mom and dad’s names both start with the letters KA and of course they share the same last name.
In my haste to send the message I inadvertently sent it to my dad, which would be OK if he had a sense of humor. He does not.
I’m really hoping my dad’s phone doesn’t have text messaging, but I’m too scared to call home and find out. My plan is to avoid my family for the next 34 years. It’s safer that way.
“Mom, who is on the phone?”
“Ben. He’s leaving Salt Lake to drive down here.”
“Ohhh, tell him to bring vodka.”
She, of course, didn’t. When she hung up the phone I asked, “So now I don’t have vodka or coffee? How am I supposed to survive?”
“There’s coffee. I bought some for you. It’s in the freezer.”
“Thanks. Did you buy a coffee maker too?”
“Oh, no. Did you need that?”
Instead of trying to explain the complexities of making coffee we drove to the grocery store and purchased a box of coffee singles.
That’s right, nothing says I love you like Western Family brand.
My favorite thing about Christmas is spending time with my niece and nephew. Everything is more entertaining when you have the comedy of four-year-old. EVERYTHING.
I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas. I also hope your mother didn’t force you to put on your pajamas and sit on some strange old man’s lap. Mine did. Because that’s how you celebrate in the country.
My brother, Ben, and I are in the country for the holidays. The country, in case you don’t know, is the most boring thing ever. When we complained to my mother about how bored we were she suggested we do her hair, go caroling to the neighboring cattle or read Christmas stories to one another.
Umm… no thanks.
Instead we opened a few presents. One of which was from my grandmother and contained a package of needles. I’m not really sure why, but it was fun nonetheless.
The needles resulted in all sorts of Nielson madness. Next year I’m asking for surgical tubing.
The last part of the video is by far the best–Ben always makes me laugh. His concentration in this video is remarkable, but not nearly as funny as the other.
Here is my column for this week: “That’s What She Said.”
The issue for this week is all about NYE, if you live locally and want to check out what’s going on do that here. I would, but I’m trying to find an excuse to stay home that night. So far I’ve got: 1) I’m snowed in, and 2) I’m grounded.
Both excuses are sort of lacking, but people stopped believing me when I told them I was too scared of Hannibal Lecter to leave my house.
Sunday my friend Aimee and I had SarAimee adventures.
In the old days, before she let a boy move into her house, our adventures included lots and lots of girly stuff. This adventure, however, included a trip into two snowboarding stores.
It was here I discovered that I’m going to be a lesbian.
Aimee was talking to the clerk about the difference in snowboarding socks when I heard something that changed my life: antibacterial socks.
After questioning the clerk on why anyone would need antibacterial in socks, I found out that people don’t wash their snowboarding gear. And by people I mean boys. The flashback images of all the dirty-footed snowboarding guys I’ve made out with in my life caused immediate hives. I swore off boys right then and there.
On our way home we needed a major infusion of estrogen so we stopped by a coffee shop named Diva. It helped, but I’m probably going to have to stick to my original plan and make 2009 the year of the lesbian.