That's What She Said–In Utah This Week
September 4, 2008 at 12:00 PM
Thanks!
Last night I wasn’t able to meet with Trainer Tracey so I asked RLO to work out with me instead. He’s always trying to murder me so I figured he was the perfect choice.
He wasn’t.
Walking from the parking lot to the building I saw RLO standing outside waiting for me. I promptly turned around and shook my ass at him. I wanted to make sure he saw that I was wearing my favorite sweats. As I got closer I turned around and shook it for the second time yelling, “Want some of this big boy?”
He didn’t reply. Which is odd because RLO always has the perfect smart-ass comment for moments like this. And then I realized it wasn’t actually RLO, but a teenager who had the same build and the same floppy brown hair.
Luckily I wasn’t arrested.
When I walked inside I found RLO flirting with the teenager working at the desk. I can’t help but worry we’re coming across as the Bonnie and Clyde of statutory rape. We headed into the gym worked out together and didn’t make eye contact with anyone the remainder of the night. Just in case.
I’m taking an Interpersonal Communications class this semester. Last night while watching TV I was working on a homework question about noise during a message transfer. Since this is a straightforward, simple question that I remember learning in junior high school I didn’t take it too seriously. Obviously:
Give three examples of disruptive noise that you are experiencing at this moment, and a solution for each of them.
1) Stinky Pug Dog Farts—forcing Gas-X strips onto my dog’s tongue can easily solve this noise interference.
2) 90210—the show I’ve been longing to see for the past ten years is back on air. Yippee! This noise here is both literal and psychological. The show playing on my TV while I am working on homework is a literal noise that could easily be shut off, but hell no! I’m very busy yelling at the TV for not showing me any Tori Spelling cameos. Can you believe that? My inner dialogue on the subject is the psychological noise.
3) The mirror is my closet is also considered noise. After watching “90210” I needed to check the mirror to make sure I aged better than Brenda Walsh. Luckily I did, and the noise was easy to minimize by walking away.
I thought about redoing the question, but the two glasses of wine I consumed told me not to. In fact they told me to have a tubby, put on comfy jammies and go to bed. I always listen to the voices in my wine, so I did just that.
Last night RLO and I went to dinner and then to see Hamlet 2. When we got to the theater there was a long line of people filing into Man on Wire. I’m extremely lucky he still went to the movie I wanted to see, because he’s been wanting to see the other movie since I failed to get tickets for it at last year’s Sundance Film Festival.
I think it’s safe to say he enjoyed the movie, because not once on the way home did he ask me to stop singing the lyrics to “Rock Me Sexy Jesus” at the top of my lungs. I’m sure he’s hoping I will replace my Baby Jesus obsession with Sexy Jesus, to which I say there’s never enough Jesus–proving I have the ability to obsess over both.
Although he did ask about the guest blog post. In fact, now that I think about it that could have been his polite way of shutting me the fuck up.
RLO: “Any ideas who this guys is?”
Sarah: “My readers think you’re Trollpop. A few emailed me about it, and a couple left comments about it.”
RLO: “I’m very disappointed in the Internet right now.”
Sarah: ” I know, but they don’t understand you’re way too lazy to start a blog. I couldn’t even get you to post to the Twitter account I made you.”
After many emails asking me about commenter Trollpop I decided to let him guest post and hopefully explain himself. Other readers have expressed concern that he seems threatening. I don’t know if he is, or not, but the small-town girl in me is going to trust him. For now. I have no idea who he is, but maybe we’ll all get a better idea after reading this very lengthy post:
I.
Tonight, oh children young and old
Rejoice thyselves in this prologue
Observe, my tale shall soon be told
Laboriously, on Nielstein’s blog
Listen closely, friend or stein
Perchance thy shall some wisdom gain
Out poureth my soul into thine
Profusely as the summer rain
Joy and mirth must flow’r from grief
And sadly doth my story start
Nary a drop of cool relief, could
Grace upon my lonesome heart
Longing for a woman’s face
Entreated I the internet;
Sarah Bellum’s smile did place
Tears upon me, white and wet
Every sorrow in my life
Instantly she did consume
Nielson, I would make my wife, and Daisy my cycloptic groom
– Trollpop Janglestein, an excerpt from “Lustful Janglings and Other Short Stories”
II.
The heartiest goulash of salutations to you all! At the request of Madame Sarah Bellum I appear before you now, humbly to add a slab of my mind upon this steamingly lavish pile of witful, charming tales. Even now the stones cry out with joy so strained, one wonders if any mountain will be left untouched! And I, like the stones, must strain to keep inside the hot liquidy excitement which, on account of this monumental occasion, within me bubbles. But alack, for the sake of prudence I shall limit the creamy geyser of celebration to a trickling dribble of gratitude, and leave the rest, oh reader, as but a jigsaw puzzle for yourself to piece together. The elk tastes all the richer, dear friend, when you have clubbed it yourself ;-). Therefore, I shan’t say more on the matter.
III.
I have been instructed to lecture on a few, basic tenants of Trollpopery. The outline for this discussion shall be as follows:
I. Poetic Excerpt
II. Introduction
III. Outline
IV. Who am I, why am I here, and do I mean harm?
V. Q&A
VI. Final Remarks
IV.
Now I turn to the matter at hand. Many ShellyDs, Beaches, and others like them have asked such probing nonsensical questions as “Who is Trollpop?”, “Why is he here?”, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, etc. These are questions of deep significance; my lifeblood, pumping through my veins. Thus they are, metaphorically, the IV of my outline, pumping rich nourishment, through the tubes of the internet, into the wrists of my starved, tattered reputation.
Who am I, you may ask? I find the question increasingly odd. How does one know anyone, except for what he says? And I have spoken tenfold more than anyone else on this Web Log (perhaps more than Her Bellumness herself!) Indeed, I reveal more about my innermost thoughts and outermost pleasures than most anyone on any corner of the entire Internet. I am but a simple Trollpop, with few things to hide. The word Janglestein should, of course, conjure up images of such immense detail, that mere description would serve only to dampen your vision.
Why, then, do I reside upon this particular blog? A cinematic example, I believe, would be of much use here. With the passion that this Puggish creature throws herself at a mere short tail, so do I choose to throw my own self at Miss Nielson’s short tales. Passionately I chase them, spinning words round and round, snorting comments and drooling innuendo as I go in dizzying succession. They are, to me, a simple pleasure, but a tauntingly alluring one at that. For as Captain Daisy and Commadore Bellum elegantly show us, even things of menial importance, be they the stub of a tail or a daily occurrence of equal depth, may bring about unsurpassed joy to millions! Let us each, with the blissfully ignorant fervor of a pug, pursue the Ass of life for as long as our stumpy little legs may carry us! In this, there is great joy.
Finally, I must dispel rumors of grave solemnity. My feisty love biscuit has confided in me that many of you have expressed fear for her safety! THIS IS AN OUTRAGEOUS, OFFENSIVE, PREPOSTEROUS PROPOSITION! While my love for Miss Nielson is quite exquisitely volatile, it is certainly not explosively violent! I am but a joyful, cool-tempered old vessel; a soft and welcoming friend to all. I would lay a hand on no one without his/her/pug’s express permission to do so. Furthermore, as I have expressed only the deepest love, lust, and adoration for said Female without the slightest violen undertones, the concept is increasingly puzzling! Against such rumors I must take firm action, and so I will do my part to silence the mouth of the accusers, forcefully pin the issues down, and tear off the cloak of lies till the true motives for such hatemongering are laid cold and bare. While accusations may scream against me, I will heed them not, continuing to penetrate the falsehoods with the intense power of the truth, till finally a seed of hope may be planted, birthing into full-fledged trust. I trust that never again will the purity of my intentions be put into question.
V.
…very well then.
VI.
Many thanks for listening to the old janglings of a crusted soul as myself, and more thanks a-plentiful to Sarah Bellum and His Pugnicity for allowing me this grave duty. I humbly entreat them both to allow me this opportunity again. I leave thee with a song of gratitude.
Some Day shall i go with thee
Away, Among the forestry
Reach Into these tangled vines
And Shall you then with janglestein
Here Young and joyful dance with ecstasy
Sadly this picture in no way represents my weekend. I gave up soda, and sex gave up me. I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw these abandoned in the isle of a 7-11. Of course that was right after I sad sat down in the isle and cried because I was so jealous.
Sometimes RLO likes to pretend I’m not the most important person in his life, which is obviously ridiculous. However, last night I discovered the truth; I’m way more important than his other friends and even his family. Look who’s first on his phone’s favorites:
Yeah, and if that wasn’t enough proof look at who is so important they get a two-day birthday:
Not his grandpa, but me. I rest my case.
My mother once asked me how she raised a Democrat when she and my father are both devout Republicans. I smiled and said, “Because I had a very loving mother who taught me to be fair and to care enough to want the best for all people.”
This election season has been simply amazing and will be even more so soon enough. I had the opportunity to vote for a woman running for President of the United States. Which is something I’ve always wanted to do. Now that I have, I’m ready to vote Obama into office.
Listening to his speech last night had me in tears. Which isn’t surprising since I’ve been a blubbering mess the entire week while watching the DNC. I’m not usually a crier, but watching political history in the making and losing my Dr Pepper Lip Smacker Lip Gloss all in the same week can be quite emotional. It’s important to have glossy lips while pumping a fist in the air and chanting “that’s not change, that’s more of the same” repeatedly at the TV.
To read my newest column for In Utah This Week go here. Feel free to send sympathy cards… isn’t that what you do when people are almost murdered?
Last night RLO and I decided to take our relationship to the next level.
Calm down, we didn’t hump–it was far more spiritual than physical. RLO introduced me to one of his Mormon friends.
He and one of his female friends had plans to go grab some dinner, and he invited me to come along. It’s always made me feel bad that he keeps me so separate from his other friends, so I happily accepted.
On the way there I started to worry that we’d have nothing in common and the conversation would be not only lacking, but also boring as hell. Luckily that wasn’t the case. The only one bored was RLO. His friend and I talked about The Hills and Gilmore Girls. It was glorious to have someone besides Mrs. AK and Kelli to discuss LC’s newest fingernail polish shade. Which, by the way, I’m liking the purple looking black. So much in fact I’m going to find the shade and make RLO paint my nails. It’s the perfect way to compliment the new ring he picked out for me. Don’t get too excited, it was plastic ring from Forever 21, but that doesn’t make it any less special, or him less gay.
