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My niece and nephew’s mom emailed me to share this story:

Hannah took one of her many cell phones to school for show-n-tell.  In the car she decided it necessary to make some calls. Sarah being first on the list.  She started talking to you about how she was annoyed that I made her wear socks to school today vs. her flip-flops (she even rolled her eyes as I watched her through the rear-view mirror). Then she started telling you how pretty you are and how she wants to be pretty like you.  Then she said, “I know Sarah, I’m very pretty too.”    Carter stepped in and told me, “Actually, I think Aunt Sarah is pretty”.

Let me tell you, it couldn’t have come at a better time.  I’m currently having a fat week, an ugly week, a zit week and to top it all off a bad hair week.  Needless to say, I’m not feeling at all pretty this week.  Kids are as honest as they come so if they think I’m pretty I’m set.

To read my column this week click here.  When you’ve finished please email me, or leave a a list of Sarah friendly hobbies.  I need something, especially after the past few days I’ve had.  And no, wine isn’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.

Each morning as I wake up and get out of bed this is what I find:

Apparently her spins are far more fun than human spins, proving pugs are much better drunks.

It is with medium sadness that I inform you of my once again single status.  Non-Troll Doll has gone back to the kingdom of trolls. Sure I’m sad, but at long last I can don my retro polka-dot heels again.  Oh, how I’ve missed those babies.

NTD is a fantastic guy, but we had one huge problem: he wanted the freedom to date me as well as other women.  Um, hell no!  I’ve been there and done that.  Here’s the thing… I am in my thirties, not my twenties, which, for me, means I’m not as willing to play the dating game anymore.  There’s just no way I’m going to put myself into a situation that will undoubtedly cause me a great amount of anxiety and stress.

Towards the end of our very short, two-month relationship, I found myself more interested in hanging out with my BFF RLO than Non-Troll Doll.  Internet read closely: this in no way means I’m going to be dating RLO. I read your comments and emails; I know your thoughts on the subject.  He’s hot I get it, but RLO is dating Jesus.  And while I can’t compete with Jesus, I bet I could drink him under the table.  Twice.

Last night while walking Daisy we walked past a basketball court near my house.  There’s always a pick-up game going on, and last night was no exception.  Though typically there are only a couple playing, but this time there were close to twenty guys. 

I know this because, despite wearing headphones, I could heard the echo of twenty men laughing at me.  I still don’t see what the big deal was, so what if I was singing way too loudly to Dr. Dre on my iPod while wearing an “I recycle boys” tee-shirt as I half danced/half walked down the street. This happens to everyone, right?  RIGHT?!

Things that make me happy:

Seeing that Willie Nelson is following me on Twitter is pretty much awesome.  Sure, it’s not really him, but who cares.  Although it does serves a reminder that I didn’t buy the Willie Nelson doll at the concert Ben and I went to.  I still covet that damn doll and regret the decision not to buy it.

Things that make me unhappy:

Seeing my face tossed aside into a gutter pisses me off.  First of all, I hate when people litter, and second I absolutely detest being turned into gutter trash.  People, at least have the decency to let me find my own way to the gutter.  Come on.  Given enough time I’m nearly positive I’ll end up a gutter girl.  Have faith.

Saturday night Ben and I went to my uncle’s house for a family dinner.  Since it was a birthday dinner I knew there’d be cake, so we actually arrived on time.  The things the Nielson kids do for cake is ridiculous.

My uncle overheard Ben and I trying to figure out a time to go buy a scooter helmet.

Uncle: “You’re not riding with a helmet, Sarah?”

Me: “Not yet, but I’m driving really, really slow if that counts for anything.”

Uncle: “If you were my daughter I’d divorce you right now.”

Me: “You can divorce me all you want, but I would still show up for dinner.  You cannot get rid of me.  My dad’s been trying for over thirty years without any success.”

Everyone looks over to my dad and he nods in agreement, “You can’t get rid of this one, she’s here to stay.”  The sparkle in his eyes told me he was happy I wasn’t going anywhere.

I think I may have inadvertently confused people last week by my relationships are a motherfucker post.

When I wrote the most significant relationship of my life, I was not referring to Non-Troll Doll. He and I have been dating almost two months. That is not enough time to make a significant relationship. Hell, we can barely tolerate one another yet.

I’m difficult to date. That’s no surprise, but he’s no piece of cake either. Though if he were a piece of cake he’s be chocolate, which is my favorite. Oh and he’d probably have raspberries on the side. Oh my god, NTD is the tastiest piece of cake ever.

I digress, but cake people, CAKE!

NTD is an amazing guy, he really is. He makes me smile, even when I’m pissed.  Plus he tolerates me, and he’s dreamy. Don’t believe me? Ask Bishop Deal. There’s one small thing though: he’s impossible. Seriously, impossible. He claims he’s a relationship person, but frankly I haven’t seen anything that would back up his claim. He doesn’t include me in his life.  It’s sort of weird, and a total red flag. For example, he never invites me to parties he attends, and for some reason that really bothers me. Not that I would go, but still an invite is always nice.

He says he really likes me, but frankly it doesn’t feel that way.  Which certainly doesn’t make me want to invest any real emotion. I think I’m officially in a dating rut. But truthfully there’s no one I’d rather be in a rut with right now than him, which makes it even worse.

Last night I went to AK and Mrs. AK’s house for dinner and Project Runway/Project Keith reruns. Since RLO wasn’t there to complain I brought Daisy along. How anyone couldn’t love her is beyond me. It just proves he’s not as nice as you guys think.

Little C was thrilled Daisy was there. She dressed her up in the skirt she wore to see High School Musical and chased her around the kitchen with a handful of glitter. Daisy looked at me to save her but i ignored that pleading little puppy face. I wasn’t about to risk Little C wanting to chase me around the kitchen with glitter. I love the hell out of that little girl, but even I have my limits. NO GLITTER without Rlo.

Yesterday was a complete waste of my time.  No wine and cheese mixer, just a lot of waiting around in a lobby that thinks children’s books are far more important than gossip magazines.  Puhh-lease.  I’m all about seeing stars in the bedroom, trust me, but this isn’t typically the way I go about it:

Sadly there were no hot cops like you people suggested. Proving you cannot believe everything you read on the Internet. The Internet lied to me. Again. First you let me to believe I could learn to be a master in bed by reading one email, or grow my penis six inches with a vitamin; then you lied and told me the F.B.I was patrolling Facebook. Internet, I’m starting to trust you less and less every single day.

The good news is I have forgiven you, but someone still owes me a hot cop. Get on it.