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My new column is out.

I ended up going with one of the titles they suggested: “That’s What She Said.” I appreciate all the suggestions sent, and my favorite was “Tune IN” suggested by Beaches369. Rather than send her a gift card she asked I send the money to the local homeless shelter, which I thought was an excellent idea. Consider it done.

That’s What She Said
By Sarah Nielson
After reading the title are you picturing Michael Scott from The Office?  Don’t worry, me too.  His famous “that’s what she said” double entendre line seems to be in nearly every episode.
When my editor suggested naming this column “That’s What She Said” I cringed, stopped, took a deep breath and then cringed again.  Who wants a column name that reminds readers of sophomoric humor?  Not me.  That is until I found myself watching reruns of Gilmore Girls over the weekend.  In one of my favorite episodes the line was repeated so much I couldn’t help but laugh. While I’m not the type of person who calls a coincidence a sign, I am the type of person who happily gives in to a bit of crass humor on occasion. If it’s good enough for my beloved Gilmores it’s certainly good enough for me.  And hopefully you.

Really, who am I to scoff at immature humor?  I’m just as guilty when it comes to telling a dirty joke as any twelve-year-old boy. I loved writing about my dating life, but after a couple of years I was bored silly of my dating life and I assumed my readers were as well.  It was definitely time for a change.   

IN Utah This Week hasn’t had an entertainment/pop culture column since Dan Nailen left the newspaper.  Moving into that role made perfect sense.  I can still write about my life, but leave the dating where it belongs: in my bedroom. 
This column will be chocked full of useless pop culture references, local entertainment, concerts, nightlife, and of course, bits and pieces of my life.  I’m thrilled at the prospects.  Finally I can justify all the gossip magazines that I subscribe to and the many gossip blogs found on my RSS reader.  My friends will also be relieved that I have a formal outlet to discuss pop culture.  I fear they are really tired of hearing about Brittney Spears’   latest episodes of insanity, or what trash TV show I’m addicted to this week. 

I plan on writing a few columns about spending time in the life of some of our local scenesters, as well as the occasional focus on self-improvement.  I will also include fun stuff, like crazy new exercise routines and other random and often odd crazes.  As always, I welcome ideas from readers.  Also, my lovely lady editor, Amy, has a few surprises under her sleeve– stay tuned for what’s to come.

This column is brought to you exclusively by half a bottle of cheap Australian Shiraz.  Note to self: never buy marginal wine on sale– spend the extra two bucks.  

You see this sign and think it means “No Steak.” True story, folks.

Don’t come to work early on the same day you’re working through lunch.    Moodiness prevails.

I am officially a satisfied woman as you can see by the very empty container of Girl Scout Cookies.  Don’t worry, Arlo helped.  Perverts.  He helped eat the cookies, not helped satisfy me.

Stop coming to work.  Sleeping sounds so much better.

Don’t let The Kid delete things without creating a backup.

I’ve been blogging on Blogspot for a couple of years now, and it’s time for a change. I’m going to be moving my blog from Blogspot tomorrow, thanks to lots of help from The Kid. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while but I’m lazy. He, however, is not. He’s got the drive those silly young kids seem to have. Me? Notsomuch.

What does this mean for you? Hopefully not much. Some of you already use the domain www.sarahnielson.com, but will still need to change your RSS feed once my content is moved over. My new site will have an easy RSS feed so just add it. Also, if you have this blog linked on yours please change to www.sarahnielson.com if that’s not the URL you’re currently using.

I’m finally getting around to adding a blogroll to the new site, but it’s a slow process. So if you don’t see your blog linked on there give me a couple of weeks to finish that up. I’m lazy remember? I need to save that energy to lift a wine glass to my lips.

Change can be such a pain in the ass, but I think it will be worth it!

Dear Chady-bear,

You haven’t written me a letter in ages. You’re fired!. And so is your church. What’s the story? No letter certainly feels like no love. Did your mission president ban me?

So things here are absolutely insane. I’ve decided missions are bad luck for our family. When Ben went Jeff lost his mind, now that you are gone Jeff lost his mind again. I’m blaming the mission, not Jeff. It really should be the other way around, but Matt is going through some really hard stuff right now, too. This supports my theory that missions are bad luck. In fact, I think you should come home immediately. This is the only way to prevent anything else horrible from happening to our family. I’m not going to write about Matt’s stuff because I’m sure Mom has, and it makes me cry every time I think about it. Sometimes life is so unfair you wonder why you bother. This is one of those times.

On a happier note, it’s getting warmer here. Summer is just around the corner. I wish you were around so we could go on a camping trip. Ben is always too busy, and by busy I mean lazy. Another bit of good news: Carmen is moving home.

Uncle Bry is having a family dinner tonight, I’m excited because I get to see Jenny’s kids and because Bry will feed me. Ben and I used to go over there for Sunday dinner a couple times a month but not so much lately. I think we’ve been fired.

I’m not writing you anything about me (too bad for you, because I have lots to say) until you get your lazy ass in gear and send your sister a letter. Shame on you, Chady! Now you’ll never get to hear about my snowboarding experience. Yup, I finally went. You’re dying to know if I liked it or hated it, aren’t you? Too bad.

Love,
Sissy

PS. I was kidding about you coming home. Stay put. I need as much Hello Kitty paraphernalia as I can get.

Last night I carefully set out the four pairs of green shoes I own, so that I would have a variety of green to choose from this morning. And somehow I still managed to forget it was St. Patty’s day and wear my purple, polka-dot velvet shoes. Oh well, it’s the thought that counts.

I am a woman obsessed. I’ve been stalking small children on the street, girl children to be specific. I need Girl Scout cookies! I no longer work for a company where parents peddle cookies for their children. I’m thinking about quiting my current job and searching for one with sugar benefits.

The Yuppie works for a company with sugar benefits. He scored me two boxes of my very favorite cookies: Samoas. (I think I ate my weight in Thin Mints a few years ago so I had to find a new favorite.) This was very sweet of him… mmm… sweet like cookies, but I probably won’t see him until Friday. My sweet tooth will not wait patiently until Friday. So, I decided to stalk every grocery store in a 10 mile radius of my house. Finally, today, I found a grocery store with small girl children and cookie boxes. Yay! While I stood in line waiting for my turn, I calculated how many boxes I could justify without having to make an extra trip to the gym.

Then something tragic happened… they were out of Samoas! I panicked and asked for anything chocolate. Nadda. All they had left was some sort of shortbread bullshit. Trying to avoid a string of expletives in front of the children I bit my lip. It bled. And let me tell you, blood tastes nothing like the perfection of vanilla cookies coated in caramel, sprinkled with toasted coconut and laced with chocolate strips. Nothing!