Thanks!
It’s no secret Asshole Puppy is an asshole, but is she also a wino? Her latest trick is pulling wine corks out of the trash and wandering around the house with them hanging out of her mouth like a baby pacifier.
This is incredibly infuriating because why in the hell have I never thought do do that? And more importantly, does this mean I’ve been outsmarted by a pug?
DO NOT ANSWER THAT QUESTION.
This week’s “That’s What She Said” is all about my family trip to the gun range.
This week’s “That’s What She Said” finds me at a Harmons cooking class followed up with a failed attempt at making my own curry.
Here’s the info if you’re local and interested in Chef Bob’s cooking classes. Throw a flask of vodka in your bag, you know, just in case I’m also attending the class!
“Sarah I think I finally beat you at the grandkid game. I’m officially the favorite.”
“Ben, I highly doubt it. But what makes you THINK you’re the favorite?”
“I took the day off work and drove down to see grandma and grandpa.”
“Yeah, that’s the act of a favorite grandchild alright.”
“They were pretty happy to see me. I’m a fresh memory, unlike the flowers you sent a few months ago. So I win.”
“I don’t know about that… I actually ordered grandma a dozen roses yesterday.”
“Dammit, Sarah, that’s not fair. It takes you five minutes to send flowers and it takes me hours to drive down and back.”
“I’m not only a better grandkid, but I’m also better at time management.”
“I hate you right now.”
Tonight when I got home from work I found Rosie Finlinson waiting patiently for me… ON THE DAMN COUNTER.
I don’t get it. This is the dog who couldn’t figure out how to breathe through her mouth when her nose was stuffed, yet she can manage this stunt. I wonder if it’s too late to take her back and adopt a fish instead.
I’m absolutely terrified of finding a body in my house. It was built in the 50’s and has a creepy crawl space, so chances of discovering skeletal remains are high. I just hope David Boreanaz and the rest of the “Bones” cast is here when it happens.
Oddly enough, I was watching that show when Asshole Puppy’s tennis ball rolled underneath the couch. While retrieving it, I felt something lumpy attached to the couch frame.
DEAD BODY. DEAD BODY. DEAD BODY.
After a moment of hysteria, I realized how ridiculous this assumption was. However, I still waited until a friend arrived to check it out further. You know, just in case.
We found this labeled black bag:
Knowing that killers never leave behind labeled evidence, I fearlessly opened the bag and found extra couch legs. I sighed a deep breath of relief as my friend laughed.
I really should stop watching all things scary. I only have so many friends patient enough to come by each time I think I’ve discovered a body. And this friend? Well… he removed himself from the list. Jerk.
This week’s “That’s What She Said” is my petition to have football removed from the Super Bowl.
Don’t shake your head at me in disgust… I don’t like the NFL getting in the way of viewing new commercials.
Speaking of which, the pug/Doritos commercial was amazing – as a pug owner I can say, without a doubt, that scenario COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN! That’s why I don’t keep Doritos in my house.. well that and the fact I don’t really like Doritos.
1) Bribe a male friend to help.
2) Overlook said friend’s childish (and totally awesome!) alterations to the instructions.
3) Contain annoying puppy in safe spot to avoid possible injury.
4) Drink copious amounts of wine.
5) Unpack beloved books and display.
For this week’s column I created a bucket list. SHUT UP, I’M OLD NOW! This is what I’m supposed to do. Now, if you’ll excuse me…. I have doilies to crochet.
