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Sarah: “I decided how you can get Mom & Dad off your back about your hair. Next time they start complaining about how long it is, just tell them grown up Jesus had long hair.”

Ben: “It wouldn’t’ work. I know Dad and he would say something about Jesus walked everywhere and that I never walk anywhere.”

Sarah: “That’s stupid. Jesus only walked because they didn’t have cars. If they did Jesus would’ve certainly been driving.”

Ben: “I wonder what Jesus would have driven.”

Sarah: “Obviously a Prius. It just seems like a Jesus kind of car.”

Ben: “Really? I don’t see it. He probably would just have angels carry him around everywhere. Sorta makes me want to be Jesus.”

Sarah: “Maybe you’re right, but either way we’ve turned Jesus into a very lazy man.”

Jessica: How was the rest of your weekend?

me: Spectacular!

Jessica: Oh really? That’s great! Do tell…

me: Ira Glass yesterday=BRILLIANT!

Jessica: Oh, right. My office mate, said the same thing. She has a crush on him.

me: Ditto!

Jessica: What did he talk about?

me: He was great. He played some of the better clips, talked about where he gets show ideas, gave advice on people doing their own documentaries.
BUT, forgot to proclaim his love for me, which was sort of annoying!

Jessica: That happened to me when I went to see Mo Rocca. I thought for sure I was going to become engaged that night. But no. He regaled us with his high kicks, and then went home.

me: People are stupid. Don’t they know how fabulous we are?!

Jessica: I don’t think they do. I can’t speak for Ira, but I’m pretty sure Mo is blinded by his gayness.

me: I think Ira just forgot.

Jessica: He might have had a lot on his mind, what with performing and all. He’ll probably call you today to apologize for being such a dork…

me: I’ve got my phone in my pocket, just in case. It’ll happen.

When KCPW announced Jenna Bush would be in town for part of the station’s Forum Speaker Series, I mentioned it to Ben. He has a huge crush on both Bush sisters. And while I’m no fan of the Bush family I’m a huge fan of KCPW, so we went.

Bush spoke about her time in South American with UNICEF, reading from the book she wrote about a young woman she met who was born with HIV. During an especially moving moment Ben leaned over and asked, “I think her boobs are probably a C cup. What do you think?”

I hushed him, but it was useless. He didn’t listen to a word she said, instead stared at her boobs the entire time–only stopping long enough to tell me her poor-fitting skirt ruined his crush.

On the way home he informed me he’d be spending his time focusing on Barbara from here on out. He then called every family member in his phone to let them know his very liberal sister attended something that could be construed as pro-Bush.

When Tommy is in town the majority of free-time is spent at Murphy’s. He’s worth the lung cancer I’m convinced I’ve developed over the last few days. He left this morning, so last night the troops rallied to give him a proper send-off. I promised myself I’d only stay a couple of hours, but that never seems to work. I also promised myself I’d not have any embarrassing moments, which also didn’t seem to work.

Miss D, my all-time favorite woman of the group, was there. I’ve not seen her as she’s been gallivanting around Europe, leaving us to fend for ourselves. (Many Hootie songs were heard on her behalf.) In my excitement to see her I didn’t pay much attention to the others sitting at the table. I started talking to her and another friend about my dating life and in typical Sarah fashion ended the story by uttering the term “dry-humping.” It was at that moment Miss D looked at the man sitting across from her and said, “Sarah, this is my father.” I could feel a slow burn rising to my cheeks and said, “OF course it is!” Miss D laughed and said something about another classic Sarah moment.

He had a great sense of humor and wasn’t bothered at all. Luckily my dating life is in a lull these days; otherwise, I’m afraid of what other non-parental term I may have uttered in front of him.

Later in the evening I was looking for my purse and found it tucked away at his table. I’m guessing he sensed my lack of responsibility and decided he better keep an eye out for me. And I’m sure glad he did! I need all the help I can get.

I had a math test last night. In a frantic rush to get out the door I didn’t take the time to look for my cute Hello Kitty pencil Mrs. Ak brought me from Japan, instead just grabbed the first pencil in my junk drawer. I tossed it and a calculator into my bag and was off.

It wasn’t until half way through the test when I needed to erase something that I noticed the penis pencil topper. I’m not in the habit of adding extra male anatomy to already semi-phallic items–this was all Quinn-diesel’s doing. Last year when he spruced my my pen and pencil jar I laughed and shoved in in a drawer, forgetting about it until today.

As silly as I felt I still scored my highest thus far. Now the debate begins: do I take my good luck pencil back next week, or pass the good luck on and stash it in a co-workers office?

I love Apple products, but absolutely detest The Apple Store. So much in fact, I drive clear out to the ‘burbs to visit ExperCom whenever I need help.

A couple weeks ago Maddie and I were shopping at Gateway and decided (after much pleading on her part) to go inside so she could get a laptop case. Since I was already there and had to wait in line with her, I figured I might as well pick up a much needed pink sleeve for my iBook.

I got home and found it was the wrong size. Which was sort of annoying since the salesperson helping me had looked up the exact dimensions of my computer and recommended that size. But whatever, I knew Marky and I would be down there the next day so returning it would be no big deal. And it wasn’t, I walked in and traded for what I was promised would be the perfect fit for my treasured Stella James.

Again, I got home and it was the wrong size… still way too big, and isn’t the point for the padded sleeve to be snug? When Ben and I went to see a movie a few days later we stopped to return it. While processing the return I asked the salesperson what it would take to get a sleeve that fit my computer. He looked at me and said, “You have to buy a new computer.” I laughed, but quickly realized he wasn’t kidding. “So you’re telling me I have to spend $2,000 to get a $30 sleeve to fit?” “Exactly,” he said. I wanted to tell him how ridiculous he was, but by this time Ben was getting the worried “My sister is going to FREAK OUT” face, so I let it go.

Since I refuse to buy a new computer it looks like I’ll be sleeveless this winter season.

If Ben had a house fire he’d grab two items before running out the door: his baby blanket, and his MC Hammer/Vanilla Ice album. Seriously. As an afterthought, he may go back for Vegan Joe, his roommate. But only after MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice were safe.

Ben let me borrow this cherished CD last night, with the promise I’d return it in exactly one weeks time. I’m going to listen to the wise(?) words of MC Hammer and hope for Christmas gift inspiration. I have a difficult time buying for other people. Attempting to find the perfect gift stresses me out. Ben, however, is easy. Obviously I’ll be buying him a pair of parachute pants.

I went to brunch today with Mrs. AK and Little AK. While we were (im)patiently waiting for our pancakes Little AK made her daily list of things to do.

1. Be cute
2. Wear pink
3. Laugh at Arlo
4. Laugh at Ben
5. Be smart
6. Don’t whine
7. Watch Hannah Montana

After reading her list I realized we have the exact same day planned, excluding Hannah Montana of course, as I had already planned to watch Gilmore Girls.

What is it about this time of year that makes people want to search online for LDS porn? Is that the new trend in Christmas gifts? If so, I missed the memo. In the span of two days I’ve had ten people link to my blog by googling “lds porn.” Last year around this time I had the same problem, so I’m blaming the holidays.

Here are some other gift suggestions for your favorite Mormon this holiday season:

Fabric Scripture Carrier—perhaps something in denim this year? It’s a favorite among someone somewhere, I’m sure.

A New Book of Mormon, complete with single word change–who doesn’t need an updated version?

Or maybe your loved one is political, if so a contribution to the Romney for President fund might be a thoughtful choice.

But if you still have your heart set on something naughty, might I suggest you order the same gift I’m giving my mother this year. I have a feeling she’s really going to love it.