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I showed my Mom and Jen this picture at dinner last night. Immediately afterwards my Mom knocked her drink over. I looked at her and suddenly knew this is where I’d inherited my klutziness. She ruined my theory by blaming the shock factor of the picture. “I just can’t imagine anyone touching my baby Ben like that!” I don’t buy it for a second. I think she was secretly thrilled a girl touched Ben’s ass, taking her one step closer to more grandchildren. God knows she gave up on my cobweb filled womb years ago.

Ben: “Did you hear I’m watching the twins’ tonight?”

Sarah: “Yeah, Holli told me. Otherwise I’d think you were making some sexual reference.”

Ben: “Can you believe they asked me? That’s trust, Sarah.”

Sarah: “No, Ben, that’s desperation. They asked me but I had a date and couldn’t. Her parents are going with them tonight so they couldn’t. Mom and Dad are too far to drive up, so they couldn’t. And Chad is in Japan with God so he couldn’t, and I don’t think her sister baby-sits.”

Ben: “So I’m sixth place. That’s awesome!! I’m excited, but Holli said if I had time to give them a bath. I have no idea how to wash kids, I can barely wash myself.”

Sarah: “Ben, they’re almost four–they are capable of washing themselves. Just throw them in the bath and stay in the same room.”

Ben: “I told Holli for the safety of all those involved, her kids will remain dirty. It’s just the smart thing to do.”

Sarah: “You could practice on Daisy.”

Ben: “I’m not washing your damn dog. Get Shogo to do it.”

A “friend” took me to see the Cinderella exhibit at the UMFA last week. I thought it was a brilliant idea: taking a princess to see a princess. Hello, brownie points!

The exhibit wasn’t exactly what either one of us expected. It was geared towards children. He swears up and down it wasn’t an intentional jab. I did see this little gem which made it worth the trip:This is way better than a silly fortune cookie. I’m going to take this as a promise that a man will fall in love with me AND my shoes, despite our messy state. And if all princes are indeed clueless is that why I don’t have one yet?

It’s no surprise I buy something I don’t need if it’s pink. I have more pink shoes than any sane person needs. My apartment looks like someone threw up Pepto-bismol all over it. My family thinks I’ll grow out of my pink phase, but they also thought I’d grow out of my baby blanket phase… which I haven’t.

Today, while at Costco, buying soy beans I saw something I’ll never use, but convinced myself I needed.I easily justified the purchase. After all, how would I use my cute new pan without a cookbook? Exactly! Now all I need is the pink KitchenAid mixer.

October is the very best time of year for pink shopping. I love breast cancer! And yes, I know the karmic reaction coming my way.

I stepped into a full elevator this morning and pushed the button to the floor I needed. “That’s weird I’ve never seen anyone do that before,” the woman next to me commented. The man on my other side chimed in, “I thought the exact same thing–who does that?” Self consciously I asked what they meant. “You pushed the button with your thumb, rather than your finger!” At that point both reached forward and pushed the buttons to see which felt more natural. “Ewww, it feels so weird to push it with my thumb,” the woman exclaimed. “I agree. It feels completely unnatural,” the man replied.

At this point I wanted to sink into the floor, but instead pointed out I have crack thumb. They turned to one another, hoping the other would understand what I was talking about. I assured them I wasn’t a crack head, but a crackberry user. They had no idea what I was talking about and started looking nervous. I pulled out my phone and showed them when I’m using it I utilize my thumb rather than my fingers. “Ohhhhh, that makes sense. You’re one of THOSE people,” said the woman, unable to mask her contempt.

Rather than kicking her in the throat, I replied “Very much so, ” and stepped off the elevator at the next floor. I continued on the stairs and decided from now on I’m a stair walker. Self-preservation and exercise trump all.

When you enter a movie plan ahead how many seats you’re going need. It’s one thing to ask the people next to you to move down once, but twice… NOT COOL! At that point I’m forced to make a dramatic scene and step over the seats in an effort to move a row ahead, leaving Maddie no choice but to follow. Unfortunately she got her foot stuck in the seat, somehow absorbing my bad karma for being a bitch in public.

We saw “Across the Universe” which was good, but entirely too long for someone who a) had zero patience left due to the above mentioned assholes, and b) self diagnosed attention deficit disorder.

My mood was magically lifted with a glass of red wine and a Red Rock burger. Seriously, that was all it took. Sometimes I’m easy, just don’t mention that to my mom.

are no Tuesdays with Morrie!
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My dad once accused me of being a fair-weathered Ute fan. I denied it, but he’s absolutely right. After attending yesterday’s game in the snow I came home and vowed never again. From now on, I’ll be watching from the comfort of my home, or a well-stocked bar.

It was fun-ish, but I discovered I’m not pretty when I’m miserable and I don’t like that one bit. Thanks to the boy who put up with my whining and let us sneak out early as hypothermia prevention. I promise I’m not mad you tried to kill me, but you still owe me a dry adventure.