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Should I be concerned that someone found my blog by searching “how to prevent pre-marital sex?” I hope this person knows God monitors Google and has been known to track people down to sterilize their naughty parts.

At dinner with friends last night—a dinner I skipped a party to go to—all I could think about was getting home and putting my jammies on. My friend was talking and if asked I wouldn’t have been able to repeat a single thing he said, because I was too busy trying to decide which jammies I’d put on when I got home.

Internally I’m going over my options: pink stripped pug pj’s, pink flannel pj bottoms, my princess sweats… the list goes on and on. From an innocent bystanders view I probably looked intently interested in every word spoken. I wasn’t. I suck.

It’s safe to say hibernation weather is just around the corner.

Just now as I watched a workmate flip his pen I found myself sitting on my hands in an effort not to reach for my letter opener.

Momentarily I was taken back to a time where my then boyfriend would flip anything and everything in hand: pens, poker chips, panties. “Panties?”… you ask. Okay, not panties but I love alliteration. It used to drive me stark raving mad. You know a relationship is going downhill when you’re tempted on a daily basis to stab his hands. This, people, is NOT a good sign.

I explained to my workmate why his action caused such a dramatic look of disdain. He understood.

I, SarahMiddleNameless Nielson, do solemnly swear not to stab anyone in the hand unless they really do deserve it. My workmate does not deserve it–he’s funny and has good taste in music.

Today, there will be no stabbing.

Ben: “I’m thinking of getting hair extensions for my mullet. What do you think?”

Sarah: “You have my full support–it’s a guarantee you won’t have a girlfriend anytime soon. Which means no sister-in-law! Go for it.”

Ben: “Sweet, I’m doing it!”

To read my column for In Utah This Week go here.

All this online dating talk makes me want to retire from the Match scene. That’s okay, right?

I guess I’m not the only one at my house who feels their life spinning out of control:

Dear Chady-Bear,

It’s just starting to hit me that you’re really gone. Don’t tell Mom, but going home is boring when you’re not around. I miss annoying you to the point you’re going to scream. This is not because I don’t love you, because I do. It’s just my job as a sister. I think you can find it in the bible somewhere: Thou Shalt Drive Your Brothers Insane. Some commandments I follow, some I don’t—I pick which ones to follow by matching them to my shoes.

I think I’m not the only one affected by your absence. Mom and Dad are going on a cruise for Thanksgiving. I love that they are taking more vacations, but the selfish Sarah is going to miss out on having a family dinner. I guess they figured with you gone, Jeff and Matt married there’s only Ben and I to worry about and we can easily be pawned off on extended family or friends.

Are you still sure about this mission thing? Maybe, just maybe you can change your mind and come home for Christmas. Are you allowed to do that? Wouldn’t that be great if you could get in trouble and get sent home for the holidays and then go back? I guess it doesn’t work that way for a reason.

I’m really glad you’re the baby and I won’t have anyone else I love leaving. If Matt and Holli move I’m going with them. I refuse to be more than an hour away from the kids. Yeah, they really are that fantastic. Hannah did the cutest thing the other day. She was helping Holli clean out her grandma’s house (they had to put her in a home) when she found the oldest pair of kid gloves and just had to put them in her purse to give to her new sister Sarah. Needless to say, I need to go visit soon and remind her I’m her auntie not her sister. Ben isn’t allowed to move either, because he still has to hang my shelves up (five months and counting). Since Jeff married whatsherface I don’t ever see him, so he’s allowed to move.

So how are things going there? Thanks for the tea—it was really good. (Still waiting on that Hello Kitty paraphernalia!!) I asked Cathy and her Japanese slaves what the Japanese word your companion called me meant. They think you made it up. Does this mean you are speaking in tongue?

Ben and I were in the car the other day and The Cure’s song Friday I’m in Love came on. Do you remember that being your favorite song when you were in kindergarten? You used to make me play it over and over. Every Friday morning when I was getting ready for school you’d run in my bedroom and tell me it was the day you loved me. It was pretty damn cute. I hope by now you love me every single day, because I do you.

I love you and miss you bear.

Love,
Sissy

Fall is coming and I love it! Winter, however, not so much. I don’t partake of the snow this state has to offer by skiing or snowboarding. Perhaps if I did I’d learn to enjoy winter for more than pretty coats. At the end of every season I promise my friends I’ll take the time to learn to ski or board next year. I’ll continue to do this every single year until my death, or until someone kidnaps me from my warm bed and drags me to a cold mountain with the promise of alcoholic beverages in the lodge.

There are a few reasons I love fall:

My birthday… though lately, it’s just for the cake and presents. I don’t want to tack another year onto my age.
Drives up the canyons to see the leaves changing.
Pumpkin Spice Lattes
Cardigan Weather
Fall Television
Election Day

I got this fortune in a cookie today: You will inherit an unexpected sum of money within the year.

This isn’t a fortune, it’s a curse. A horrible, horrible curse! I’m going to be paranoid for the next year someone I love is going to die. I’m going to buy everyone vitamins for Christmas. And Ben, start wearing your damn seatbelt!