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Jack Bauer. Seriously, who is this guy? I’ve never seen an episode of 24 until last night’s finale. And might I add, not by choice. I have a group of friends who get together on Monday nights for “Family Night”. Our version of the LDS family home evening follows suit with the traditional version with treats and games. However, we substitute the prayer with beer, always making our family nights much better than the ones I recall growing up in an LDS household.

Last night 24 was playing in the background, because blah, blah…”season finale, must be good.”

So we watched.

Had this occurred a week earlier I would have had no idea who Jack Bauer was—luckily for me The Simpsons newest episode was a spoof on 24. Proving The Simpsons is educational and should be watched by everyone.

I have to admit I wasn’t impressed with 24. In fact, I was downright bored with the show. Sure, it might be that I have no idea who these characters, but my guess is even if I took the time to catch up (which I won’t) I’d still find myself bored. I’m more a CW kind of girl. If the Gods of TV are reading, bring Gilmore Girls back!

“hey babe, have i ever told you how good looking i am? well come out with me to the cultural festival and drink beer with me and i’ll tell you.”

i hope chady-bear knows how much i love him. i went to church for him! his talk warmed my heart, not for the spiritual content but the comedic content. my baby brother is funny! who knew?

my mom is the choir director so she was on the stand (what do they actually call that?) as was chad. the rest of our family was on the back row, which says a lot about us. ben and i sat there for the escape factor. our plan was to secure seating and then leave to get drinks, making it back in time just for chad’s talk. but, jesus was onto us– the program listed the speakers but not the order. we were stuck. the gas station is 7 minutes from the church and we didn’t dare risk it. again, that’s how much i love chady, i stayed for the ENTIRE church meeting!

my brothers are as evil as i am. we knew chady had his cell phone in his pocket… so we they called it, over and over–each time seeing his face get redder and redder. only stopping momentarily to let hannah leave him a voicemail telling him to hurry because she needed a diet coke. (the funny thing, is i had nothing to do with that part.)

i lost interest and agreed to read a book to little hula, my brother’s step-daughter. she had a children’s anatomy book my mom gave her. did i mention she’s 3? it was awkward reading the page containing scrotum and vagina to her at church, but i persevered.

until this point, my sister-in-law holli was listening to the speakers and taking no part in our poor behavior. but, then she whipped a card out of her purse and handed it to me, “this is a thank you for watching the kids last week.” it was a starbucks gift card. yup, holli pretty much gave me coffee at a mormon church. she is now one of us… for better or for worse.

Last month I told Ben I’d kill for a Volvo. Somehow the gods of fate got this confused and thought I said I wanted to be killed by a Volvo. Easy mistake.

On my way home from the country today I encountered a nasty accident on the freeway. One of those large trucks transporting cars rolled. I’m not sure how it happened, i was too busy singing along to the radio to notice that part. Wrecked cars were everywhere, but luckily I was able to avoid being hit by a speeding blue Volvo.

When everyone started getting out of their cars I called Ben. I was busy recounting the story to him when a man motioned for me to get out of my car–I hung up and got out. “Hey, I saw you on the phone, how long until the police arrive?” “Umm, I didn’t call 911. I called my brother. Dispatch operators hear this stuff all the time, and I thought he would be more impressed by the story.” He glared and me and walked away without saying a word.  Really, it’s no wonder people hate me.

i’m now an orphan. or i will be when i see my parents next and my mother fires me from being her daughter. we had family pictures this morning and i didn’t make it. i was sick. i swear every time i watch the twins i get sick. and you know what? it’s worth it.

chady-bear has his mission farewell tomorrow, which means i have to go to church. and i really, really hate church. do you think it’s possible the mormon jesus made me sick on purpose, just to keep me out of his church? okay, i swear no more cold medicine–at least this time i took the right pills.

needing something to occupy my time, i logged on my match account tonight. yup, friday night at home. shut up. after reading a few emails i’m reminded of my internet dating rules. so far they’re working– i’ve not been chopped up and stored in a garage freezer.

1) don’t send me the exact same email you send everyone. come on, does anyone actually reply to those?
2) at least make an attempt to spell words correctly. spell checker is a beautiful invention–like caller id!
3) under no condition mention of your season pass to lagoon.
4) don’t offer to send me your bank statements. wtf?

here’s my favorite message tonight. because, i too am picky, which is why i’ll not reply. ( i’m bitchy, get over it.)

I hafve to ask becaue sine I hae dated on match over the past 3 months these profles seem to mean nothin with the girs out in California so I have decided to look out of state for my soul mate.. My name is Todd B******, I am a great guy with a lot to offer … Please review my profile and if I seean email in my inbox from you I know your interested… I hop so becuae I am very picky and it took me a long time to fine you… I;ll bet your worth it though….

Hugz!

Toddy B

I’m in Utah County tonight watching the twins, while my brother and favorite sister-in-law are away on business. It’s almost 1 AM which is way, way past my bedtime. Yet here I sit on their bed typing while listening to Carter cough. I’ve given him medicine, but I couldn’t possibly attempt sleep until he’s resting peacefully. This doesn’t necessarily make me a good person (because after this week, I’m so clearly not one). It’s what happens when you love someone beside yourself… something I’m told I don’t do often. To you I say whatever.

I love these kids. I love them like I never thought I could love someone so short. (I’ve got height issues–get over it.) I remember driving to the hospital to see them for the first time. I’d been around kids enough to know they poop and scream way too much. I was prepared to hold the babies, and lie through my teeth about how cute they are. When in reality they’d likely look like a cross between an alien and a plucked chicken. However, I wasn’t prepared to hold them and say they were the most beautiful babies I’d ever seen, and actually mean it. And I still mean it–even today, after Hannah spit in my Diet Coke.

Family is family, and you love them even when you don’t really like them. There’s never been a moment in the past 3+ years where I didn’t like these two, and frankly I don’t ever see that happening. Unless of course, Hannah continues to spit in my Diet Coke through her teen years. At that point, we might run into a problem.

i know the coolest people. seriously! ak and his perfectly british, perfectly adorable wife had a joint birthday party. the theme was 60’s mod, and it was spectacular! you won’t find me in the picture because i didn’t dress up. not that i didn’t want to–i already had the perfect dress, but i wasn’t able to find my much sought after pink go go boots. it wouldn’t be fair to my dress to wear anything but.

anyway, to read the column go here.

as i’ve mentioned before, i totally heart maverick gas stations. i claim their fountain drinks taste better but today i realized why it is i really go. no, not the hot dogs, but goodies like this:

clerk: “how’s your day?”
customer: “well i just got laid and it was the worst sex i’ve ever had. in other words, i just got screwed.”

the customer, i might add, was as old as dirt and wearing dirty cargo shorts. not that they don’t deserve to get laid too, but…

i’m not just losing my mind, i’m losing my legs too! okay, not my actual legs but i’m losing the feeling in them. the backs of my legs started going numb last month. i chalked it up to bad circulation and vowed to get in shape. (it’s time to start thinking about summer clothes.) i bought an elliptical and have worked out every day for the last three weeks. i’m only doing 5-7 miles a day, i’m pathetically out of shape. but, the numbness didn’t go away. in fact the opposite happened… my legs got bigger so there was more leg surface to go numb. lame!

after trying to self-diagnosis on webmd, i went to see the doctor. my dad is diabetic and numb legs is one of the symptoms. needless to say at this point i had totally freaked myself out. i couldn’t give up my addiction to ice cream–i’d rather die!

when the doc was testing my legs for feeling, he applied warmth, then cold–something soft, and then pressure. if i didn’t know better i’d have thought he was trying to woo my legs. lastly, he told me to turn my head so i couldn’t see what he was doing, and to only say something if i felt anything. i was positive he was back there dry-humping my leg, but as it turns out he was just running a sharp object across them and didn’t want me to see it and imagine pain. who me??

all my tests were fine and my legs are still dry-hump virgins.